And the verdict is.....

   We're having a boy AND a girl!!  I had an ultrasound on Monday with Dr. KK.  While we knew that baby B is a boy, baby A was the mystery.  Until Monday.  Nadia, my favorite ultrasound person, was able to get a good view of baby A from below.  She told me that at this point, she usually sees something there if it's a boy (and showed me where to look).  She didn't see anything, so it's a girl!  I can't believe that we're having a son and daughter! 
   Other than that, the appointment went well.  We drew labs, and hopefully will get to stop the progesterone this time.  I'll also be off the prednisone and metformin this Friday.  It's strange to transition to being more "normal" although I doubt I'll ever see myself as such.  I do, unfortunately, have a new pain.  It seems like it's my pubic bone itself.  I'm guessing the pregnancy hormones are kicking in to get my pelvis ready for delivery (in 18ish more weeks), but this really hurts. 
  I also had it confirmed during my ultrasound that those wierd, jabby feelings I've been having is, in fact, the babies moving!  I kind of felt like an idiot for not thinking it sooner, but with the anterior placentas, I thought I'd feel it later than this.  All in all, not a bad week so far.

18w1d

  That's right folks, I'm 18w1d.  I don't think I need to tell you how bad I suck at updating this thing.  Lately though, I've just been so tired and blogging seems to always lose on my list of to dos.  As a quick update, I can say that since we announced, we found out that baby B is a boy!!  Baby A wasn't cooperating for the ultrasound.  My mother in law thinks the baby is a girl and she is being modest.  Hopefully we'll see on my next ultrasound on Monday.  I still see Dr. Kwak-Kim every 2 weeks, and the OB is at every 4.  I don't see the OB again until 12/5 for our anatomy scan. 
   I know I said earlier that I have been very tired.  That is an understatement.  I could sleep all the time.  But the problem is that I can't turn off my brain, or get comfortable.  My hips hurt a lot, as does my tailbone.  From everything I've seen, this is normal, but it's been quite the adjustment.  My nausea has also returned over the past few days.  Honestly, I wish I could've called into work today but calling in on a weekend means I need to make it up the next weekend.  So that won't be happening unless I'm dying.
    On the meds front, I am finally getting to wean off the prednisone.  I should be done with it by the middle of next week as well as the metformin.  I'm thrilled about that.  Hopefully next we can get rid of the progesterone.  I'm still on 200mg daily of that.  I also still take synthroid, calcium, vitamin D, Vitamin E, metanx, fish oil, and a prenatal vitamin.  My lovenox has been every other day and my bloodflow has been in the 0.38-0.39 range (they want it to be less than 0.5).  Dr. KK added an antibiotic for an unsymptomatic UTI, which quite possibly could be why I feel so sick. 
   I suppose the biggest issue I'm facing (aside from worrying about every single thing) is dealing with my mom.  It's no secret she and I have had a strained relationship since my dad died.  After the way she treated me during IVF#2, I said I was going to keep her out of my buisness.  Well, from the moment she knew we were pregnant, she has talked about a shower.  I told her that I would really prefer having one combined shower, as I am afraid I'll end up on bedrest, or worse that the babies will come early.  The talks pretty much stopped after that.  My mother in law happened to offer to throw one last weekend while were at a family party.  I graciously accepted but asked if it would be possible to combine them and that I'm sure my mom would love to help.  My mother in law was thrilled!  I told my mom the next day what had transpired, and that my mother in law wanted to host it at her house, which is an hour north of where my mom lives.  Almost immediately, my mom had issues and tried to talk me into having 2, but said she'd do what I want.  I tried to stand my ground and said I wanted one and she said ok.
   Fast forward to yesterday, my mother in law called me to talk about the shower.  Apparently my mom had called her and made it seem that she really wanted to do something for me, but made up a bunch of excuses about her house being too small etc.  Somehow the conversation progressed and my mother in law was telling me that she's afraid of stepping on peoples' toes and that her feelings were getting a little hurt.  So I caved and told her that maybe it'd be better to seperate the 2 showers.  She agreed to do whatever I wanted, and at this point, I don't want my mom making my MIL feel bad. 
  After I got off the phone with her, I informed my mom what had happened and she tried to play innocent stating my MIL must have misunderstood her.  I don't think I really believe her considering one of my aunts facebooked me in the morning to offer to throw me a shower.  I think my mom has been plotting to get her way.  But after all that nonsense, she still wants to be invited to the party at my MILs house and thinks she can ride with us.  Um no.  I'm so tired of her pulling crap to get her way and not thinking about others concerns.  It is what it is at this point.  Hopefully my body and these babies will cooperate and get us through the parties in January. 

I'm just so disappointed that my mom can't be the mom I want/need her to be.

Announced!

  I just realized that my last post talked about how we were going to announce and I never updated.  Whoops.  I'm officially the worst blogger ever.  So, I ended up making about 300 cookies and dispersed them between our jobs and DH's family.  For our jobs, I wrapped cake boxes in baby wrapping paper, put sugar cookies inside that were rolled in pink & blue sugar and put a note on the inside lid that read,
"We don't know yet if we're pink or blue, all we know is we're having TWO!"  and followed it saying (insert our last name) twins due April 2014.  I left mine in our kitchen at work and waited.  DH took his to work and I believe left it on the counter.  They got quite the reaction.  It was pretty great. 
  For DH's family, we did another box of cookies, but this time I made M&M with pink & blue M&Ms.  On the inside lid we printed "DH & M are pregnant!" and attached an u/s picture of each baby.  We were over for a family birthday party, so we saved them for dessert (after the presents had been opened as to not upstage the birthday people).  My inlaws knew we were going to do this, so I asked my MIL to have her sister open the cookies.  It took her a second to see the note, but once she did she started crying and hugging my MIL.  The rest of the family quickly caught on & it was quite the excitement.  DHs oldest male cousin asked if there were 2 u/s pictures because there's 2 babies, to which I said Yes and the excitement started all over again.  It was wonderful.  Most of my family already knew, thanks to some loose lips, so I sent a text to the remaining family that didn't know.  Not as dramatic, but we don't see them very often. 
  Through all this, DH & I turned off our FB walls to avoid people saying anything on there before we could.  So to finish our big outing, we turned our walls back on on Sunday night, posted a photo of our cats with a sign saying they were going to be big brothers to twins and the message that "DH and I are very excited to share the news that we are expecting twins in April 2014!!  As many of you know, this wasnt an easy road for us and we just wanted to take the time to thank you all for your continued love, support, prayers and encouragement.  It really means the world to us."

It feels so good to have announced.  I still haven't told my mom she could tell people.  I think I'll let it go as long as possible.  I have no doubt she continued to tell people anyways though.  **sigh**

An update

I followed up with my OB today, as I was instructed after being discharged from the ER.  A quick pelvic exam showed my cervix is nice and closed and there was no active bleeding.  He did see some old blood, but nothing much to write home about.  The nurse attempted to find the heartbeats with the portable doppler but had no success.  At one point I thought I heard one, but it might have been my own heartbeat.  Just to play it safe, they did an ultrasound. 
  Twin A is measuring 2 days ahead with a heartbeat of 157.  Twin B is measuring 1 day ahead with a heartbeat of 163.  They barely saw the SCH.  My cervix measured nice an long and closed, just like in the ER.  After a few more measurements, she was done and I got redressed.  The OB came back in and said it's definately a partial placenta previa and told me I am on pelvic rest until it revolves.  I asked if this is common in multiples and he said yes, due to the fact that there are 2 placentas in the same amount of space.  The good news is that more often than not, seeing a previa this early is kind of good because they tend to resolve more than the ones you see later in pregnancy.  He also warned me I may bleed off & on until it does resolve.  I asked if I was still okay to work and he said yes as long as I take it easy when I can.  He wants me to watch for cramping and to stop my activity if I start having bad cramping that doesn't go away.  I see them again next week for a routine appt and my NT scan. 
  I opted not to tell my mom I was in the ER.  She would have panicked and insisted on being there.  With the fear of miscarriage, that's the last thing I want.  Part of me regrets not telling her because I dont think she appreciates what we are going through.  She thinks this is just a regular pregnancy, with the exception of 2 babies.  She doesn't even attempt to understand the concept of measuring them in weeks & days vs months.  DH did tell his parents, because he went out of town with his dad on no sleep after our ER trip.  His mom text me today to see how I was feeling, check in about the appt I had and to tell me she loved me.  Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but that really got to me.  Maybe I have more mommy issues than I thought.
  We are still planning to announce the pregnancy this weekend.  I'm doing work on Friday, to mark 13w.  I'm bringing in cookies and leaving a sign with them in the breakroom.  I'll post a picture when I do it.  We're telling the rest of DH family when we see them for a family party Saturday.  Still not sure how we're gonna do that.  I have one more aunt/uncle to tell from my family, but we never see them so it'll probably be a text so they don't see it on facebook first.  Facebook maybe we'll do sunday.  I'm scared to come out, but I think it's time.  Aside from the bleeding/previa, we've had great ultrasounds and the babies look good.  Time to share them with the world.

Not how I wanted to spend my Friday night

  Yesterday was an uneventful day or the most part.  My plan was to go grocery shopping, as I'd been putting it off for a few days.  I've noticed that normal daily activities get me tired some days, so I've been spreading them out and resting a lot.  I've also been reading a book about multiple pregnancies, since a lot of the baby books don't get too much info about diet and things like that when there's more than one baby.  It's called When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets, or Quads, by Barbara Luke.  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-youre-expecting-twins-triplets-or-quads-barbara-luke/1103372880?ean=9780061803079  It's a lot of information, but a very good read.  Their diet recommendations inspired me to grocery shop. 
  Since I've been feeling pretty good, my plan was to make a real dinner.  I haven't been cooking much, aside from what I can toss in the crockpot.  So for dinner, I made Italian breaded chicken and gnocci with spinach.  It was delicious.  After that, DH and I just watch TV and relaxed.  Which really means I watched TV and DH fell asleep on the couch.  I was going to have a little ice cream, and DH was trying to talk me into getting some for him before he fell asleep.  As I was laying on the couch, I started to not feel so great, so I abandoned the ice cream idea to just stay put on the couch.  About 9:30, I woke DH up and suggested we go to bed, as he was sleeping anyways.  I headed upstairs to get ready for bed as he turned off lights and made sure the cats had food and water.  That's where things started to go wrong. 
  I've been on vaginal antibiotic cream at bedtime for the past week because the swab they did at my first ob appt came back positive for bacteria.  My last dose should have been last night, so I went to the bathroom to get it over with.  When I was done peeing for the 400th time that day, I wiped and noticed bright red blood on the toilet paper.  My heart stopped.  It was like a light period and sure enough when I checked the toilet, there was blood in the water as well, but no clots.  I pulled up my pants, forgoing the antibiotic, and called DH, trying to remain calm.  By the time I told him I was bleeding, I was crying.  He asked me when I meant that I was bleeding and I ran through the situation.  He reminded me that we had been told that if the SCH bled, it might look worse than it is, and that it didn't mean a miscarriage.  I reminded him that the didn't see the SCH anymore on this past week's ultrasound.  I questioned if we should page the OB and DH agreed we should. 
  When the on call OB called me back (there's only 2 in the practice), I ran through the situation.  He felt that it was probably the SCH, and that since I was already 12 weeks, that the babies should be fine.  He also confirmed that this more than likely wasn't due to weaning the progesterone because their placentas should be doing the work now.  He did offer to have me go to the ER for an ultrasound, for peace of mind.  DH agreed we would go to the closer community hospital vs the one I work at.  My hospital is a trauma center, so the wait time would be greater on a friday night.  The OB said he'd check in with the attending so he would know what's going on.  We got redressed, jumped in the car and were off to the hospital.
  It felt weird to go in a car.  Honestly the only time I've ever gone to the ER was by ambulance.  We made it in about 15 minutes, and got checked in right away.  They triaged me and asked a bunch of questions mostly regarding the bleeding and my extensive med list.  At that point, I warned them if they took my blood pressure, it would be really high because I was so worried.  Sure enough, it was 177/100.  I don't think it's been that high ever.  They put me back in the waiting room, until the lab tech called me.  As part of triage, they draw labs before you see the Dr.  It turns out that my phlebotomist is on respiratory therapy school and does his clinicals in my unit.  He was a good stick, got it on the first try and back to the waiting room I went. 
    An ER tech finally brought us back to a room, had me change into a gown and said she'd send in the Dr.  I think we saw him within 20 minutes or so.  He asked lots of questions, seemed kind of skeptial of the meds I'm on from the immunologist and a little arrogant.  He said I'd get an ultrasound, but he also wanted to do a pelvic exam to check the bleeding.  My ER nurse was fantastic though.  Nice and funny.  The Dr finally came back, and DH stepped out.  The exam was uncomfortable (and I'm still sore today), but quick.  He said he just wanted to check the bleeding to be able to report back to the OB.  Next was ultrasound, but we waited a long time for that.  I think they finally took me between 1:30 and 2 am. 
  My ultrasound tech was just as fabulous as my nurse.  As soon as she started, she showed me the babies and said both of them were moving and had heartbeats.  What a relief!!!!!!!!   I thought I would cry.  They both measured one day ahead still, with strong heartbeats of 163(A) and 157(B).  She found that my SCH is, in fact, still there right between the placentas.  She also found that part of Baby A's placenta is overlying my cervix, a partial placenta previa.  She said it's possible the bleeding could come from either the SCH or the placenta.  My cervix was nice and long at a little over 4cm, and tightly closed.  Thank God.
  I was taken back to my little ER room and a lab person came in saying we needed more labs.  I wasn't happy about getting stuck, but got that over with.  I was told all we were waiting for was the radiologist to read the report and give the info to the ER Dr.  Around 2:45 another lab person came saying now they wanted to check my electrolytes.  Both DH & I were like, no, you can't keep sticking me.  They talked to my nurse and came back saying they could use blood already in the lab.  Finally, the Dr came back and told us what the ultrasound tech already told me.  He confirmed the SCH and the placenta previa, and said that my OB wants pelvic rest and to take it easy this weekend.  He also wants to see me Monday.  His final recommendation was to give me Rhogam.  My blood type is O negative and DH is A positive.  I knew I'd get rhogam at some point because of this.  When the rH factors don't match, my body can create antibodies against DH's blood which is dangerous for future pregnancies.  They wanted to give it because we don't know if the bleeding was from the SCH, which is my blood, or the placenta, which could be DHs blood type.
  The nurse came in, gave me my shot then left to make sure they were sending me home.  She came back with my discharge instructions and we were on our way home.  We made it home by about 3:30.  I feel bad because DH had planned to go on a day trip today with his dad to WI and needed to be at their house at 7am, meaning he'd have to leave by 6.  Poor guy got maybe 2 hours of sleep.  Hopefully he slept in the car on the way up.  As for me, my plan is to take it as easy as possible.  I'm still bleeding and having some cramping, but they said that was normal.  I've emailed Dr. KKs office too to let them know what happened and that I am holding my lovenox until I talk to them monday.  That's the standing rule.  bleeding =no lovenox or baby aspirin.  I am trying my best to stay off google.  The ER Dr said it's possible that as there is continued growth, that the placenta can migrate upward.  So I'm praying for that, and expecting that the OB will send me to the MFM sooner than we thought.

11w5d

I had another appt with Dr KKs office today.  Today was a big lab draw day, including my NK cells and cytokines.  I should have some of the labs back this week, the rest will be early next week.  I had an ultrasound too.  Both babies are measuring 11w6d, A's heart rate was 163 and B's was 157.  The best news is that my SCH is officially gone!  Because of that, I have been given the greenlight to start weaning off the PIO!  I start every other day dosing today through sunday then I stop completely.  I can't believe it.  My bloodflow resistance did increase, but not too far away from where they want it, so starting sunday I'll start 2x a day lovenox.  They also said my cervix was measuring the smallest is has before, but the NP thinks it was just a weird measurement thing and said not to worry, we will check it again next week.  All in all, it was a good appt today.

I've been feeling pretty good.  Tired, but I think that's normal.  The only complaint I really have is constipation.  I'd be a happy happy woman if that could get resolved. 

Fear

After our appointment with the OB on Tuesday I told DH how it felt weird to be a regular pregnant person.  I honestly settled into the idea.  Not being a diagnosis or a protocol, and just be pregnant.  Today, however, I emailed the NP at Dr. KKs to ask about my labwork from this week.  My NK cells are still elevated and now my TSH is low.  I've also seen a couple dips in my estrogen and progesterone, but she explained that's fine because we did some weaning.  So of course I've questioned the NK cells.  I've done 2 rounds of IVIg and am on a decent dose of prednisone, yet my labs barely budge.  It makes me question the efficacy of the treatment, and why am I putting myself through it if it doesn't seem to be doing much.  Her arguement is that we don't know what my levels would be if I wasn't on it.  I also questions the thyroid labs.  She advised me to continue my current dose of synthroid and later explained that she wants me to do that because my FreeT3 is also low.  Of course, because I do not deal with a lot of thyroid issues in the area of nursing I am in, I hit up the google.  Big mistake.  Both hyper and hypothyroidism can cause miscarriage.  It's bad enough that my hair is falling out at an alarming rate (which is why I thought to ask her to check it in the first place) but now I'm gonna worry even more that I'll miscarry.  Just when I think I'm getting comfortable, like we can start considering telling everyone, something like this happens.  I'm sure I won't stop worrying until they are in my arms, and even then, I know I'll worry more.  I'm also noticing some cramping.  I can't decide if it's in my head because of the fear of miscarriage or if it's real.  I'm just gonna drink some water and pray it goes away. 

Mixed feelings

  I know I haven't updated in awhile.  Last week was kinda busy.  Friday was my final appt with my RE.  Our ultrasound went well, babies look good.  Baby As heartbeat was 156 and B was 166.  I signed my releases for my records to be sent to my OB, got hugs from everyone and had to promise to visit.  My labwork looked good, so I emailed that information the the NP for Dr. KK.  I spent the rest of the day preparing for my brother and sister in law's baby shower the next day. 
  In the afternoon, I got a call from the NP.   She wanted to tell me to stop my estrogen patches, and to decrease my crinone to every other day for 3 doses.  That makes tomorrow my last crinone.  I'm so excited.  We will check my levels and go from there.  I'm assuming the PIO will be next.  It'll be so nice not to have to be stuck anymore!  She also thinks my ultrasound and the babies' growth sound good, so she wanted me to start every other day lovenox. 
  I had also asked her about not doing 2 ultrasounds a week, since I had seen the RE that day, and am seeing my OB today.  It turns out that works well for her, and as long as the growth is good, we don't have to do an ultrasound with them.  As it turns out, they have been having issues trying to figure out coverage for ultrasounds lately because the one tech is on vacation and the other was just killed in a car accident.  The news caught me off guard when she told me, I wished my condolences and asked who it was.  It turns out that it was the one I had for my first ultrasound.  It's so sad. 
   The shower on Saturday went well, aside from some family drama.  I think everyone had a good time.  Honestly, I think I'm still tired from it.  But that might just be a first trimester thing.  I've also noticed my nausea has increased in the mornings the past couple days.  Still no throwing up, horray!!  Today is my first OB appt.  I don't really know what to expect but DH is going to meet me there after work since I'm having an ultrasound and he hasn't met the Dr.  I'm excited to see the babies again. 

Changes and Anxiety

  I've been uninspired as to what to write lately.  Things are still going good.  I got a break from Dr. KK this week, as long as I promised my RE would do a progesterone & estridiol level check.  I'm relieved to not make that trip this week.  I'm still apprehensive about having that other ultrasound person, but, it is what it is.  At least I get to see my lil ones again.  This Friday is my last appointment with my RE.  I'm having really mixed feeling about it.  I know that it's a great thing.  Things are going well, and it's time for me to see the OB.  But I've been with them for over a year now.  It'll feel weird not to see my nurse and the rest of the staff.  My nurse wont even be there Friday.  She does want me to come visit with my big belly, so I'll have to do that, at a time when they don't have patients of course.  I wouldn't want to make anything worse for someone having a hard day. 
   My anxiety has been through the roof lately regarding this baby shower for my brother and sister in law.  I'm still on restricted activity so I have to depend on DH for a majority of the hard work.  My mom seems to feel that her job is to just throw money at everything, versus actually doing some work.  Granted, she also thinks it's a good thing that I'm restricted.  Part of me is still angry that I got bullied into hosting this thing.  I know we should do something, but the way it was gone about was wrong.  There was no respect or sensitivity.  I'm just glad it'll be over soon.  I love my family, but this has been quite a challenge. 
  In an effort to focus on the good, and try not to be so stressed, I borrowed this survey from another blog.

How far along? 8w5d

Size of Baby: raspberries!

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I've been about the same, with a fluctuation of a lb or so either way

Maternity Clothes: I ordered my first pair of maternity jeans, and a few longer tank tops.  so far most of my clothes still fit.  My pre pregnancy jeans fit wierd from losing weight though, so I caved and got maternity that fit.
Sex of Baby:  Don't know.  I used to think one of each, then I thought 2 boys.  Now I'm back to one of each or 2 girls lol.
Belly Button In/Out: In

Stretch Marks: No new ones, had them when I went through puberty though.
Labor Signs: Nope

Movement: nope

Sleep: Maybe a few hours at a time.  I've been having to get up a couple times a night to go tot he bathroom

Cravings/Aversions: cravings-carbs and green olives.  Aversions- none lately

Symptoms: Back pain, hip pain, fatigue, frequent urination, cramping/pressure in the ute area, breakouts

Feeling: excited, nervous

Best Moment this Week: My husband got to hear the heartbeats at our last appointment and I'll graduate from my RE this Friday
What I Miss:  Sleep, not being so tired.  Not being restricted on my activity

What I am Looking Forward To: our next ultrasound

Milestones:  everyday is a milestone, its always the furthest we've gotten

Baby Milestones: Now she weighs in (yay!) at about .04 ounces and measures about .63 inches. This week, she's growing about a milimeter each day.  You can't feel it yet, but she's moving those arms and legs like crazy!  Her fingers and toes are now only slightly webbed, and her tail (yes, she had one) is gone.  Fun fact: your baby's taste buds are now forming.

Next Appointment: Sept 7th, 9 weeks.  Final RE appt. First OB appt Sept 10th

Busy Busy

   I didn't realize I haven't updated in almost 2 weeks.  I'm now 7w6d.  Since my last post, we've have a few more dr appts, some drama, and some very exciting announcements.  As far as the Dr. appts go, My RE is ready to release me next week.  I can't believe I'll be leaving them and going to an OB.  Part of me is sad,as I have grown close to the office, but another part of me is excited because this is a huge milestone for us.  Granted, everyday is a milestone.  I already have my OB appt made for sept 10th. 
  I've had a couple appts with Dr. KKs office too.  The ultrasounds have been much better since I've been able to be with the other person.  Everytime she shows me something new and takes the time to explain what shes doing.  We officially have 2 strong heartbeats that were both 143 yesterday.  She said they aren't embryos anymore, that they are fetuses and they have amniotic sacs.  She even looked at them in 3D!  DH was able to be there for yesterday's ultrasound and got to hear the heartbeats.  He was so amazed.  The previous week, we had found 2 small subchorionic hemorrhages.  This week, one has resolved and the other is small.  they want me to continue on my limited activity for now.  I also got an IVIg infusion yesterday.  Aside from them having issues getting the IV, then I had a small allergic reaction, it went fine.  The NP spoke with us for awhile about our plan.  Eventually we will be able to back off a little, but for now I still have weekly appts.  I get to skip next week because I'll be seeing the RE though.  All my appts are booked through the first week of October and unfortunately 3 of the 4 ultrasound appts are with the person I don't like.  I don't like it but I don't have much choice.  I have no problem telling her if she's being inappropriate or hurting me. 
  Unfortunately, the drama we've had is with Dr. KKs office too.  We've been dealing with payment issues between columbia pharmacy and our insurance company.  Long story short, we found out that despite my giving my specialty pharmacy information to the office to order my IVIg, they chose to send the order to columbia pharmacy.  I was told that I would be fine because I am preauthorized and that they are contracted through columbia.  Well, now my EOB is stating that I may owe $4600+.  When I discussed this with insurance, it turns out that the charge is because Columbia is out of network.  The insurance company isn't happy w the dr office, but they are working to hopefully approve it as a one time thing.  Its such a headache.  I had to fight to get my preauthorization, now I'm stuck making sure everyone is doing their jobs.  The order if finally at the correct pharmacy so it is what it is.  The Drs office doesn't seem to care that they made a huge mistake though.  It makes it difficult to trust them.  That paired with the inconsistent communication is enough to make me want to leave.  I do plan to consult with a high risk OB/MFM so hopefully I can transition some of their care to the MFM and limit my time w KK.  I'm thankful they were able to play a part in this pregnancy, but at what point can I stop being under a microscope?
  Now that we've got 2 healthy heartbeats, we told our parents, siblings and grandparents.  For the most part, everyone was surprised and thrilled.  My grandma wasn't as excited as I hoped but that might just be her.  I also found out that DHs best friend's wife is due with #2 about 3 weeks before us, so we finally told them.  I also told my boss.  I hadn't wanted to tell her so early, but with the SCH and the need for restricted activity I needed her to talk to the assistant managers for me so I don't get crazy heavy assignments.  She was thrilled for me and even gave me a hug.  All in all, not too bad. 

Go Big or Go Home

  It's been awhile since I wrote.  I didn't mean for that to happen, but work has been kinda nuts.  I'll try harder, I promise.  Today marks 6w!  Every single day is the most pregnant I've ever been.  So far, things are going good.  I'm occasionally nauseous but haven't gotten sick, boobs are sore and feeling kinda huge today, nothing I can't handle.  I started getting ultrasounds this week too.

  My first appointment was on Wednesday with Dr. KKs office.  As soon as I got there, I was taken back by the same person that did my original scan with my preliminary work up.  I didn't care for her much then and I still dont.  We ended up doing the scan in what looked like her personal office.  there was a curtain set up near her filing cabinet for my "privacy," if you could call it that.  She puts my information in the computer and asked me questions about the cycle.  Apparently she hadn't read my chart.  I told her I was 5w5d and she proceeds to argue with me that I'm really 5w based on some calculation she was doing.  Um no, my ER was on 7/19, that makes me 5w5d.  She also put in a fake LMP for me for July.  I haven't had a period since June.  I let it go, but i was so frustrated.  Anyways, she started the scan by checking my cervix.  Nice and long at 4 cm.  yay.  then she starts looking.  We find one sac with a yolk sac, so she measures it.  Then she continues to look, and we found another sac with a yolk sac!  Thats right!  TWINS!!  She measures that one and tells me that twin B is measuring smaller than twin A.  Okay, well that can happen.  She proceeds to tell me that B might not continue to grow.  Talk about pulling the rug out from under me.  I just learned I'm having twins, and now youre telling me that I might lose one?!  I was so upset.  I told her I know that's a possibility.  She continued the scan and at at least 4 points in the scan she felt the need to remind me B might not make it.  I wanted to scream at her.  I get it!  I'm aware I might not get ANY babies.  Instead, I just shut down.  Thankfully she finished the scan.  I wanted to run out of that room.  She didn't even offer me a picture, and acted inconvenienced that I asked for one.
  I went to the MA next, who drew a bunch of labwork.  Some results have already come back and are good.  The NP met with me after that.  We talked for a long time about the plan now.  I feel confident in it.  She told me my blood flow to both babies is in the normal range and that everything looks good.  Twin B measured 2 days behind, but she said that was okay.  We are more looking at growth from week to week.  I will continue to see them weekly through first trimester.  On a side note, I emailed the NP today and asked if I can set up who I have my u/s with and explained the situation.  I hope she doesnt think Im just some crazy lady and I'm not trying to get anyone in trouble.  I just think she needs more sensitivity.  Chances are if shes doing things like that to me, shes doing it to other people too and that's not right.

  The appt with the RE today went much better.  My favorite nurse did my scan and DH could be there.  Both lil ones are there, we see a fetal pole in B now and we even saw a flicker of a heartbeat  in A.  I'm so in love.  The RE was there, and touched base as to what Dr. KKs plans are.  He seems okay with everything.  When I had come out of the room after getting redressed, the RE said congrats and gave me a hug.  It was slightly akward so I cracked a joke about how it only took a year to get the warm fuzzys from him.  My nurse hugged me too.  I'll stay with them until close to 9-10 weeks.  I'll be sad to leave them.
  We still haven't told our families.  DH wanted to wait till we have heartbeats.  Since B is being pokey, that means not yet.  I still can't figure out how to do it.  I want to do something big, but DH is like "why can't we just tell them?"  Men. ha ha ha.   

Transitions

  Hi all!  Things have been going well.  Still settling into the idea that I'm pregnant, but every day it gets more real.  I've been thinking a lot about how to transition this blog.  I know that a lot of my readers are still dealing with IF themselves and therefor hearing the details of my pregnancy might be hard.  I don't want to hurt anyone.  However, I'd also like to believe that because of our journey that maybe it'd be different. 
  Today is 4w5d.  I officially have one week till my first ultrasound.  The RI is doing weekly ones so I'll actually have that one done before I have the "official" one done with the RE.  This caused a scheduling snag for us.  I really wanted DH to be at the one with the RE, since there's a chance we may hear heartbeat(s).  So we opted for one at 7:30 am and he will go to work late.  Thats a week from Fri.  The RI is over an hour away, so for DH to come with for that one would be more difficult.  I also am not sure if they let the husbands in the room.  I know they didn't for the pre pregnancy ultrasounds.  So I'm going to that one alone.  Which kinda sucks since I'll be finding out how many embryos took all by myself.  My plan to turn that into something positive is that I will be getting something special for DH to tell him.  I'm thinking 1 or 2 onsies depending on how many babies.  I have a week to think about it. 
  We still haven't told family.  One of my aunts knows but only because I needed her to do my PIO the other night.  I think we're going to wait till after we hear heartbeat(s).  DH is being very reserved about telling people.  While part of me tends to agree, it's hard to keep quiet.  I know that the world will know once my mom knows though.  And I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.  I think a part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I just need to get to next week. 

Beta #2

I'm too excited to come up with something clever to name this post.  Our second beta is 829!  The RE was very happy with that number and has said I don't need any more betas.  He scheduled our first ultrasound for 8/16!  We'll get to see what's going on in there!  I still can't believe this is happening.

I finally heard back from the RI's office.  I was slightly disappointed that they didn't even say congrats.  They did email me the recommendations now, some of which I think are slightly over the top.  This is what was emailed to me:

Recommendations:
a. Bhcg on Monday, Wednesday and Friday until heartbeat on ultrasound
b. Progesterone and estradiol levels weekly
c. CBC, Aptt, and Chemistry panel monthly
d. TSH, FT3 and FT4 weekly for 8 weeks
e. Ultrasound at our clinic for blood flow weekly
d. Increase prednisone to 10 mg three times daily
f. IVIG if possible
g. Repeat NK and Cytokines in one week with APA, ANA and DNA antibodies



I can tell you right now I am not having betas drawn for the next 1.5 weeks.  There is nothing they would do if something changed.  I was able to talk them into drawing the first round of all that labwork next week when I come for my first u/s with them.  I'll do more IVIg but I'll have to wait until Im a month out from the previous dose so my insurance will pay for it.  I knew there would be a lot more monitoring, but Im still surprised how closely they are watching me.  I should be happy, since this is what it took to get here in the first place.


I had breakfast with my mom today after my lab draw.  I didn't tell her I'm pregnant.  Let me tell you, hardest thing ever!  I think we want to wait till we have an idea what's going on/heartbeat(s) etc so we feel safer telling family.  I have no idea how Im going to keep this secret.

Shock

  I am in complete shock.  Yesterday was by far the longest day of my life.  The RE didn't call until after 5 with our beta results.  You might want to sit down for this.  Beta #1 is 335!!!  I am officially pregnant.  As he gave me the number, I yelled holy shit! and started sobbing.  Then I had to stop and ask him what's next.  I am in completely unknown territory now.  My progesterone came back at 59.79 and Estradiol is 599.  He told me all those numbers look good and that's a strong first beta.  I go back on Monday for beta #2, and then again in 2 weeks for an ultrasound.  I'm not sure if it's sunk in yet. 

   I finally asked DH for all my hpts back.  I lasted until this morning, but I just needed to see the two lines.  So I took a FRER and both lines popped up immediately, so I took an interned cheapie.  again, immediate.  So I caved an took a digital.  Just to be sure. :)  I've never seen anything more beautiful in my life. 

   Needless to say, we aren't telling anyone yet.  Well, I shouldn't say anyone.  A few of my in real life friends that went through IF knew I was having my beta drawn.  There's no way I can lie about that to them.  I want to wait until at least after the ultrasound, possibly closer to 12 weeks.  We've just tried for this for so long that I want to be able to enjoy it with DH first, before everyone else gets involved. 

   It's difficult to turn off the IF part of my brain.  I have a million thoughts all at once.  One of the biggest thoughts is how to I handle this with my IF friends?  Granted, I know that if the roles were reversed, I would be happy for them, but a part of me would be sad for me.  I don't want my friends to hurt over something that's so happy.  However, I know it's not that simple as an infertile.  I don't want to lose the friendships I've gained through the process but I don't want to be in their faces either.  (granted, I'm chubby, so it'll be awhile before I have a bump)I am in uncharted territory for sure.  I just hope my friends still fighting know how much I love and support them and I will do whatever they need to me to.

B-Day

   Nope, it's not my birthday.  That was in May.  Today is Beta day.  I can proudly admit that I have not POAS once this cycle so today's results are a complete surprise.  I honestly don't know which way I think it'll go.  I can picture it both ways.  Part of my brain is already thinking that it's not the end of the world because we have frozen embryos now, unlike our previous cycles.  Am I doing that to protect myself?  possibly.  Am I afraid it'll still hurt to fail? Absolutely.  Am I afraid I'll never get pregnant?  Definitely.  On the other hand, I can imagine getting a positive result.  Sobbing tears of joy instead of pain.  I want that so badly.  
   Wednesday I was in rough shape.  I had myself convinced that it didn't work.  I'd like to think that it was all due to the amount of hormones I'm still on.  Maybe that progesterone finally caught up?  It all came out while DH gave me my PIO that evening.  My hips are starting to get really sore, so when he stuck me, it really hurt.  And I started sobbing.  I felt horrible that I couldn't control it.  He was so understanding though.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  Yesterday and today are better.  I just keep reminding myself that we have done everything possible for this cycle.  If I'm not pregnant, it's not for lack of trying.
  Since we have been doing everything differently this cycle, today was no exception.  I'm off work today.  Our previous cycles I worked the day of beta (BIG MISTAKE.)  I had a hard time falling asleep last night, even with taking the extra 400 mg of progesterone at bedtime.  I woke up with DH's alarm, took my synthroid, crinone and changed my estrogen patch and went back to bed.  I've been having dreams of positive betas, and of camping out in my RE's office until we got results.  I woke up a little after 7 and it was downpouring so I just laid in bed a listened to it.  There's always been something soothing to me about listening to the rain.  However, then the power went out.  And it remained out until 10 am.  This meant brushing my teeth with a bottle of water, doing my best not to look like I just rolled out of bed, and opening the garage door manually (which is not easy when you're on'y 5 foot 2).  I made it to the appt early and got my blood drawn right away.  The nurse told me the RE is in 2 offices today, so not to expect a call till later today.  So now I wait.
   I have taken today to be good to me.  I soaked in the bathtub for a little bit with some guided imagery and a wonderful smelling bath bomb from lush.   I folded the laundry and put it away, had some lunch, painted my toes.  I'm just trying to be good to me today.  DH is coming home from work early today so he can be here when the RE calls.  Thats something we haven't done before.  I've always gotten the phone call at work and had to break the news to him.  Hopefully we are celebrating instead of grieving.
  DH said something interesting to me today that got me thinking.  Before he left for work, he told me it was raining and that it was a sign of good luck.  He's referring to our wedding day.  It monsooned on our wedding day.  We got just enough of a window to get some outside photos done, but started to downpour on our way back to the limo.  But the rain didn't ruin our day.  It just gave us a memory and some pretty great photos.  So the rain wont ruin today either.  Maybe this is a sign.

Wavering

I'm sorry the blog has been quiet.  I can't really decide where my brain wants to be at.  The weekend was fun.  We did end up going to Navy Pier with our friends, had dinner rode the Ferris Wheel, all that fun touristy stuff.  Originally my plan was to do our PIO shot in the parking garage.  Well, we had to park so far away that DH didn't want to go all the way back to the car.  I offered to just go in a corner or behind a staircase.  Nope.  He wanted to find a family bathroom.  Okay fine.  One problem.  We couldn't find one.  We went to Harry Carrey's for dinner, which had bathrooms so we opted to just use one.  Well, there was a ton of traffic going in & out of the ladies room, so I kinda paniced and said no way.  We ended up in the men's room handicap stall.  Oh the things we'll do for a baby!  Later, we found out there was a family bathroom.  I thought it was a closet.  At least I got a cool story out of it.

I heard back from my NP about all that labwork.  She increased my synthroid and reassured me that a higher TSH shouldn't effect implantation.  She also felt that my progesterone level was too low for her comfort so she called in prometrium for me to take orally.  Yes, that's right, now I'm on 3 different progesterones.  PIO, crinone and oral prometrium.  I've been taking it at night to avoid the side effects and will have that level checked on friday when I get my beta drawn.

Speaking of beta, I'm nervous.  I had some cramping yesterday, but I think it was from being on my feet so much at work.  I also managed to play connect the bruises with my lovenox shots, so the entire left side of my abdomen from belly button to hip is now blue with a huge bruise and it hurts.  So maybe its that too.  I still think my boobs feel bigger than normal,  Im tired, sometimes irritable, hungry, some food/smell aversions. ... but again, it could be due to the progesterone.  I have stuck to my promise not to use home tests, but I can feel my will faltering.  Part of me just wants to know.  another part of me if afraid of the answer, so ignorance is bliss.  People at work have said I'm glowing.  Maybe that's the hormones too.  Who knows.  I wish it were Friday already....then again, maybe I don't.

Checking in

   I don't have a whole lot to report.  I went for labs yesterday.  Typically, my RE does the vaginal suppositories for progesterone, so he doesn't check levels.  However, I am special and am on PIO, which CAN be reflected in blood levels.  I asked him for them, and I think because he's tired of me overworrying and knows this will give me peace of mind, he obliged.  He also drew my thyroid labs for Dr. KK, saving me another needle stick.  My p4(progesterone) came back at 31.9, which he said was enough to get the job done, considering Im also on the crinone.  So that was great.  my TSH on the other hand, is deciding to get all nuts at 3.13.  I have an email in for the NP.  I'm assuming we will increase my synthroid dose.

   I will be the first to admit that I am a chronic googler.  In our past 2 cycles, I am guilty of googling every twinge and funny feeling.  I caught myself starting to do it last night with the p4 level.  Then I stopped, reminding myself that the RE said it was fine.  We drew the lab for peace of mind, and he said it was okay, so I need to believe that.  And just like that, I didn't feel the need to keep googling.  Very not me.  We will file that under "things that are different this cycle."  Remember when I said that I gave all my HPTs to DH to hide?  Well, somehow I missed a stash under my bathroom cabinet in our room.  But even knowing they are there, I haven't taken them.  I'm enjoying the ignorance.  I always stressed out with the HPTs.  Not this time.
  I have noticed that I think I'm noticing more symptoms with the PIO.  I'm noticing things taste funny, still bloated, twinging/small cramps in the ute area, bigger boobs(dh says Im crazy, but my bra feels fuller).  I know all of this can be from the PIO though.  Lets hope it continues though.  DH has been rockin the PIO.  We've had one that hurt a lot, but I think we've troubleshooted it.  Im so proud of him.

I've been trying to be normal during this 2ww as well.  I go back to work monday, and yesterday I was off bedrest, so I ran errands.  Originally I was going to go walk on the treadmill at the gym, but changed my mind.  I want to be as active as I can be, but do so safely, since in the past, I stayed very low profile.  I don't think that helps my bloodflow.  So today I have acupuncture, then therapy.  After that, we are meeting some friends that are in town and heading to Navy Pier.  I think the walking around down there should be okay. This also means doing PIO in the parking garage, since DH can't come in the bathroom with me.  This should be interesting.  If needed, I'll just drop trou in the food court.  I have no shame anymore.  ha ha ha

Frosties!!!!!

 

First thing's first.  These are our sweet embies we transferred yesterday.  The RE drew an outline of my uterus, then circled the embryos.  The little white arrow is pointing to them.  I can't stop looking at them.  I think I will frame this photo along with those matching fortunes we got and put them in the nursery.

So, I have been waiting for a call from the embryologist all morning.  It turns out, she called DH instead.  He text me after she called to let me know.....you might want to sit down.....are you sitting?  WE HAVE 3 FROSTIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We have never had anything make it to freeze before!  That means 2 things.  1. If this cycle works, we might not need to do another fresh cycle for more kids.  and 2. if it doesn't work, I don't have to do another fresh cycle yet!!!!! Either way, it's amazing and I couldn't be more excited!  This must mean that my egg quality must have improved.  I think I can relax about donor eggs for awhile.  

I started the estrogen patches today.  I've noticed that between 2 time a day lovenox, 1 time a day pio and a patch i need to wear, I dont have much spare space.  My belly is still bruised from the Lovenox before retrieval, so I've been trying to avoid those spots.  I did notice little drops of blood on the bedsheets.  Turns out that my old injection site from last night was still oozing.  Weird!  I'm sure that's normal though.  I go in for a thyroid and progesterone check tomorrow, so I will also ask how far the embryos made it before freezing.  I'm still so excited, and really starting to think about what happens if this works! 

Embryo transfer #3

Yesterday was our embryo transfer.  That makes another 5dt for us!  I was so excited!  I'm fairly certain that we were the first transfer of the day.  My instructions went like this: hold 6am dose of crinone.  Eat a light breakfast.  Empty bladder at 6:30, then take valium and hit the road.  Arrive by 7am at clinic and start drinking water.  Transfer at 7:30.  Well, my nursing bladder didn't go along with that plan.  I had to drink more water.  As I was doing so, the embryologist herself came out to talk to us.  Usually it's just the RE.  She told us that of our original 9 embryos, 6 were still going strong.  2 of them were fully expanded blasts (which were what we chose to transfer), and 4 were early blasts.  She said she'd watch them another day and if they still looked good, and had caught up to the others, she could freeze them.  I almost cried.
   It was finally time to go back to the transfer.  We changed into our booties and gowns and in we went.  I like that they keep the room dim.  I think the embryos like it too, but for me it's more relaxing.  I got my legs strapped into the giant stirrups and waited.  When the RE came in, he made a comment about how he thinks we found the right drug cocktail for us.  At first I thought he meant because I was so happy (partially from the valium), but later I realized he must have meant the protocol we used for stimming.  I think he's right.  The change in protocol helped.  Along with everything else we did differently. 
  Next came all the prep. get the ultrasound ready, squash the bladder, insert speculum and clean.  check!  I did have some minor cramping, but I think it was because of the speculum.  It stopped before he actually did the transfer.  The whole thing took less than 20 minutes.  By far the least uncomfortable transfer we've had.  I got to use the bedpan, then hang out lying there for about 20 minutes or so.  We got the ceremonious "first baby(ies) photo.  I'm scheduled for beta on 8/2.  Thankfully I am off that day.  The past 2 cycles, I've had to work.  Everything is different this time! 
   DH and I spent the rest of the day together.  We went to see Despicable Me 2 (babies first movie) and to pick up his coronet.  By then, I was ready to hit the couch and was having some cramping.  I spent the rest of the night taking it easy.  DH even made a yummy dinner of stuffed peppers.  I restarted Lovenox injections as well and now will be doing them 2 times a day.  Fun!!  PIO hasn't gone too badly, and I have started letting DH do them.  He's done so well, even when yesterday's stung pretty bad.  I'm so proud of him. 

How I spent my Tuesday

That, folks, is my IVIg infusion.

 

I started my day with my final acupuncture session before our transfer, then headed over to Dr. Kwak-Kim's office for my first IVIg infusion.  Needless to say, there was some downtime between appointments, so I was able to have some lunch and check in at work to give them the schedule I wanted to sign up for.  They finally took me back, along with 2 other women.  I was the only one not yet pregnant, so that was reassuring.  We each got an infusion room, which was about the size of an exam room, but had a huge overstuffed recliner and an IV pole.  The nurse came in with tylenol and benedryl for all of us.  It's standard protocol to premedicate to help ward off allergic reactions.  You should have seen all the consents I had to sign before hand too.  Honestly that made me a little nervous.

  The nurse came back in, took a set of vitals, and started my IV.  It hurt, but possibly because she used the same vein we did for my retrieval.  She got to work setting up the infusion and soon we were on our way.   I think we started running it at 1:30, and I was done around 4.  I got to just sit and hang out.  I read and played candy crush the whole time.  Not too bad.  Occasionally it would burn a little, but not at all as bad as I thought.  When I was done, they took out my IV, and advised me to drink as much as possible to ward off feeling bad later and to take tylenol and benedryl if I needed to.  I may have gotten a little bit of a headache over the next couple days, but took tylenol as soon as I thought one was starting.  Hopefully the infusion helped to quiet down those NK cells and cytokines.  

  Here's some more information on NK cells and IVIg use.  http://haveababy.com/fertility-information/ivf-authority/ivig-intralipid-therapy-in-ivf-natural-killer-cell-activity-for-diagnosis-and-treatment/

Fert report and weekend update

   No, Tina Fey is not writing this entry, though I'm sure if she did, it'd be much more comical.  It's been an eventful past few days. Saturday I woke up not feeling too bad, which always surprises me after a retrieval.  I procrastinated around the house, waiting for the RE to call with our fert report.  Finally I had to get in the shower or I'd be late for acupuncture.  Wouldn't you know it, as soon as I got my hair wet, the RE was calling.  I dashed to the phone, but it went to voicemail before I could get it.  I tried to call back but the RE must have been the only on in the office.  His voicemail said hed call back, so I got back in the shower.  well, wouldn't you know, it happened again.  Only this time I only heard the voicemail ring.  Apparently, the RE didn't want to play phone tag with me anymore and left the fert report on my voicemail.  I might just save the message forever. 

   So, here is our fert report.  We retrieved 14 eggs and did ICSI split on them (where they do ICSI on half, and natural fertilization on half).  Of our 7 eggs we ICSI'ed, 6 were mature and 5 fertilized.  Of our 7 natural fertilization, 5 were mature, and 4 fertilized.  In total, we have 9 embryos and are planning for a 5dt on Weds!  I am so elated.  our fertilization rate is 81%!!!   With IVF#2, it was only 66% and 71% with IVF#1.  I can't help but be excited! 

   After that, I ran to acupuncture and to old navy to attempt to find something to wear for a get together I was going to that night.  Thanks to my bloat, nothing really looked right.  I found a top that was a little forgiving in the belly, so that worked out.  I'll tell you though, I thought I was feeling good, but that trip kinda wore me out.  I came home, had some lunch and took it easy till it was time to get ready to go out.  I met up with my IFBFF who drove us downtown to meet up with some fellow IF ladies from a facebook group we're a part of.  As soon as we got to the restaurant, we needed to duck into the bathroom because this wonderful friend of mine was going to do my first PIO injection.  Let me paint the scene for you.

   We're in the handicap stall of a pizza place, tons of other ladies in the bathroom.  All they can hear is my friend telling me to "drop trou" and to bend over and grab the bar.  I keep repeating that I feel like I'm gonna throw up.  She does the shot and I don't even feel it(till the next morning at least)!  She is a true friend. 
   The evening was tons of fun.  I met lots of new people and it was nice to be able to be myself, crazy IF brain and all.  I had been on the fence about going since I had my retrieval the day before, but I'm really glad I went.  I think I needed that.  Plus those women know what we're going through and care about how things are going for us.  It's so nice to have that kind of support, and from relative strangers no less.

  Sunday, we slept in and DH made me eggs for breakfast.  I've been trying really hard to up my protein to help with all this bloating.  The 2 days of eating carbs didn't help, so when my weight was up 7 lbs from pre retrieval, I was a little concerned but wanted to factor diet in too.  Plus the papers from the RE say 5 lb gain in a day, and mine was 3 lbs one day 4 lbs the next.  So I alternated water and protein powder with almond milk all day.  We ran to Menards and the grocery store.  It was nice to get out of the house and spend some time together.  By the end of grocery shopping, I was wiped out, and hanging on the cart due to discomfort.  I was also pretty irritable, which I'd like to blame on the progesterone.  We came home, put everything away and I headed for the couch.

  MY IFBFF was planning to come over to show DH how to do my PIO shot around 6, so I text her and instead of coming over, we decided to double date and go to dinner.  Our DHs hadn't met yet, so I was excited.  We went to their house first for the shot, so DH didn't have to try to bust into the ladies bathroom at the restaurant.  She walked him through step by step, and again, no pain.  I really think I should just keep her on retainer for these shots.  We went to dinner and hung out with them a little afterwards and really had a great time.  On the way home, DH was asking about the shots.  It's very clear he's nervous.  I keep stressing it's like throwing a dart and once he's through the skin, not to stop.  He said he'd watch some you tube videos.  It's hard for him not being into medical stuff at all, and even harder for me to let go of control.  Who knows, maybe our relationship needed this test, like a team building exercise.  ha ha.

   Today, I am waiting to hear what time we go on Weds. from the RE and to hear from the RI about the IVIg I'm supposed to have done tomorrow.  The nurse on Friday said there might be an issue getting it from the pharmacy.  I'm trying not to worry about that, but I'll be seriously pissed if I drive up there tomorrow and it's not there.  Plus I had to rearrange my acupuncture to make it work out.  I sent a message to the nurse practitioner through the portal, so hopefully I'll hear something today.  

  Overall, I feel good.  I've noticed that since starting the PIO that I've had some more negative ideas pop in my head, but I think that's from the PIO.  I'm walking a thin line between being excited and optimistic and afraid to get too excited because I know it can still not work.  I can't wait to hear how our embryos are doing!

Fortunes

I have been so good on my low carb diet that I asked dh for Chinese for dinner.  These were our fortunes.  Yes they are the same and yes I think its a sign!  Someone do a happy dance w me!

Egg retrieval day!

Well, today was the day!  Our egg retrieval.  As instructed, last night I stopped eating and drinking at 10pm.  We were to show up at the clinic at 9.  They took dh back for his contribution first.  I unintentionally told him to have fun.  Most awkward thing I've said in that office so far.  They also have a new "men at work" sign to hang on the door.  Cue snickers. 

Next was my turn.  My favorite nurse took me back to go over instructions for after.  I changed into my paper gown, hat and booties and waited.  Finally they moved me to the procedure room, I got my iv and it was time to sleep.

I woke up maybe half an hour later and they moved me to recovery.  My nurse left to find out how many eggs we got.  It seemed like a lifetime before she came back.  We got 14 eggs!!  More than we anticipated!  The re poked his head in, seemed happy with himself and said he'll call me tomorrow w a fert report.  They are planning to do an icsi split if we have at least mature eggs.  We are also planning for a 5day transfer as long as things look okay. 

Overall, I feel good.  A little sore, but nothing like I expected.  I've been hanging out watching movies all day anyways.  I start pio shots and crinone tomorrow.  Oh boy!

Locked and loaded

So we triggered last night at 10pm.  I'm officially done w stims and done with shots until Sunday when I start pio.  This is a photo of the aftermath.  I'll apologize because my belly is very bloated and no those are not freckles. 

The re ended up calling me yesterday evening to tell me to change my trigger dose to a half dose.  Apparently it helps to reduce my risk for ohss.  I asked about my e2 level, since it'd only been 1200 on Monday.  Get ready for this.  2546!  No wonder I was having all those meltdowns yesterday.  I also asked what he thinks we can anticipate egg wise.  He thinks around 11, give or take.  That'd put this er in the middle of the other 2.  I'm hoping for enough to get us to a 5dt again, and hopefully some to freeze.  I also told him I was worried that I stimmed the longest this time.  He told me that he's not worried and this is typical for women on lupron protocols.  I did feel a bit better after that.

I still haven't heard back from Dr kks office about getting me preauthorized for ivig.  Its irritating that this all happened last minute but it is what it is. 

Letters I'll never send

My therapist encouraged me to write letters to people, regardless of if I'd send them.  The goal is to help me let go of feelings I harbor.  Since I've have so much building anxiety, I thought now might be a good time to write them.  Some people I'll refer to by name, others I won't.

Dear J,
  I don't thank you often enough for everything you do.  You give me support when I need it the most.  I know we have had our tough times, and we don't always see eye to eye on the plan, but that has never stopped us from accomplishing our common goals.  With you by my side, anything is possible, and everything will be alright.  I love our life together.  I am sorry for the times I've failed you and I know I've let you down.  I am truly blessed to have you in my life.  I know that no matter the outcome of the next couple weeks, we will face it together and hopefully begin a new chapter of our life together.
Love always,
M


Dear Mom,
  I've struggled with the words to tell you how I feel for quite some time now.  I know that most of what you say and do is done out of love.  I can't imagine it's easy to have two children at two opposite ends of the spectrum.  One expecting a child and the other struggling with possibly never having a child.  While I can appreciate the excitement you feel for your soon to be grandson, your lack of restraint about those feelings around me hurt more than I think you realize.  I don't want to know what you bought him, or listen to you gush about him.  I love him too, but somedays it hurts too much to know I might never be able to give you that.  I feel that you bullied me into hosting the baby shower.  I told you from the start I wasnt even sure I'd be able to handle going.  I needed you to respect that, instead of making me feel bad or unsupportive of my family.  If anyone needs support right now, it's me.  Yet I can't even tell you that we're going through this cycle because you don't know how to be supportive without getting your feelings bent out of shape when I ask for privacy.  I know how contradictory that sounds, but there are some things I need privacy for.
   I get angry that you give all the love and support I need to my sibling and seem to have little to no regard for my feelings.  I don't want to resent you or our relationship to suffer, but I can see it happening.  Our relationship has been strained since Dad died, but I don't think you see it that way.  I worry that because this has effected our relationship, if I have children, your relationship with them will be effected as well. I worry that with the way you don't take care of your health, you might not be around to see me have children.  I also worry that you are preventing yourself from finding happiness again.  I know dad was your first love.  Just because he's gone, doesn't mean you cant be happy again.  He would want that.
Love,
Your sweet pea

Dear D&J,
  I am sorry I haven't been more involved in the goings on of your pregnancy.  I know it may seem that I am just being jealous or selfish.  Somedays it just hurts, but not for the reasons you may think.  I love you both, and I love your son more than you'll probably understand.  I am thankful you didn't need to travel down the same road we did.  I am thankful that you don't have to experience this.  The only thing I can think of worse than having to do this myself is if you two would have had to.  Please be patient with me.  I am trying.  It's okay to ask me about how our treatments are going.  It makes me feel like you care and support us.  I desperately need that support and love.  Please dont shut me out.
Love
M

Dearest sweet baby,
  How do I write a letter to someone I don't know yet?  I'm your mom.  I want you to know how much I've prayed for you and how much I love you.  You are already loved more than you know.  I am not a perfect person.  Far from it, in fact.  I have made a lot of mistakes and dumb choices in my life.  The best choice I ever made was trying for you.  I'll never regret anything I've done that lead me to you.  A day will never go by that you don't know how much you are loved.  Daddy and I are praying so hard that you decide to stay with us.
Love always and forever,
Mommy

Dear Me,
  This is the most difficult letter I've had to write.  It's okay to feel hopeful.  Just because you've suffered failure and loss in the past, doesn't mean you can't be happy and optimistic for what could happen.  Don't let past experiences hinder the present.  You also need to forgive yourself.  People are young and they make mistakes.  What matters is that you learn from them and not repeat them.  It doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be a mother or that you are being punished.  Stop living in the past.  Look forward and be excited for the unknown.
Love Me

Pulling the trigger

   I had my final monitoring appointment this morning.  Yep.  That's right, I said final.  I have at least 3 follies in the 18-22 mm range, so I was given the green light to trigger tonight.  I've been so focused on that right ovary, and it seems like I have 3 good contenders on that side.  I watched as my nurse wrote measurement after measurement in my chart.  Honestly, I didn't really count.  Maybe part of me wants a surprise friday, or maybe I'm just afraid to get my hopes up.  My lining dipped from a 10 to an 8, but I still have time before transfer to get it back up.  I'm trying not to worry about it.
  It's ER week at the office, so my RE has been around more than usual during monitoring.  That always throws me off.  I think my nurse tells me more details when he's not around.  They gave me my trigger instructions after going back & forth over using a half vs whole dose.  I said, let's do the whole thing, I can take it.  That brought out a little smirk from the RE-a rare feat.  He agreed to the whole dose, but said it was dependent on my E2 level today.  If it skyrocketed, then I'll have to take a half dose to avoid putting me at risk for OHSS.  I definitely don't want that.  With my E2 level being 1200 on Monday, I don't think that I'll have to worry about it.  Typically, around this time, I'm very weepy and anxious.  I blame the rising E2 level.  I haven't been as "unstable" as I have been in the past, so I think I'm seeing more of a steady rise.  Slow and steady rise and growth is best for egg quality, or so that's what I keep telling myself.
    Speaking of feeling unstable, I had a complete panic attack yesterday.  Again, I blame the hormones, but it was horrible.  I started worrying about my egg quality, since I've been stimming longer than normal.  That lead to me worrying about the fact that my NK cells and cytokines are elevated.  Which lead to me worrying if insurance will cover IVIg.  Which lead to worrying about the cycle failing and what we'd do from there.  My therapist would have yelled at me for letting my thoughts get that out of control.  In my defense, I did try to control it.  I took a bath with my favorite bath bomb from Lush, I listened to about 3 guided imagery recordings and nothing!  Finally I mentioned it to my acupuncturist and he did a few more points that are supposed to help with anxiety.  And you know what?  It DID!  He also showed me some pressure points and tips for when I'm not in his office.  It was wonderful.
  I think it's normal to be apprehensive at this time.  I wish I was all sunshine and rainbows, like I was with the first IVF.  I wish I had that ignorance of what failure feels like.  I know being negative wont help us have success.  We've spent the past 2.5 years having failure after failure.  It's hard to try to find that optimism.  I felt it after my appointment last friday.  I need to keep reminding myself of all the good changes.  If this one fails, it won't be for lack on trying, that's for damn sure.  Granted, that won't make failure any easier.  I think part of me wants to be happy and excited and believe this will work this time.  However, another part of me is so afraid of the failure that it makes me hold back, as if to protect myself.  I have to wonder if my fear is holding me back.

I mean, honestly, what do I have to lose?  I've seen failure.  I sat in the room that would be our nursery(assuming we'd have one baby) and imagined sitting there, rocking my sweet baby in a rocking chair, singing them to sleep.  Furniture layed out perfectly, sunlight streaming in the windows.  I can see it.  I haven't lost hope of having that.  Its that image that gets me through the bad days.  

  I'd like to put the plea out to ask for good thoughts and prayers for us over the next few days.  I'd appreciate it.  I know I've never prayed harder in my life.  Thanks everyone!

Day 10 update

I just got back from monitoring.  My lead follicle is at 17mm on the left.  The largest on the right is 12 (that's right, it went from 9 on saturday to 12 today!)  My nurse feels I have at least 7 that'll be good, although, I have a bunch of small ones that may catch up.  My lining is 10.4 and triple striped, so I'm good there so far.  I go back for another round of monitoring Weds, so I hold the course till then unless the RE calls.  I'm thinking I'll probably trigger weds for a Friday retrieval.  It's getting so close!!!

Hopeful

Hello blogworld!  It's been a busy past couple days, so let me recap by the day.

Friday:  Went for monitoring, bright and early.   DH took the day off to spend some time with me, and to use a vacation day he would lose if he didn't use.  On ultrasound, we saw that my follicles are still chugging along, although that right side is still lagging behind.  The great news is that there are more follicles, 7 on the left, 5 on the right.  My lining was a 7, which is right where they want to see it for day 7 of stims.  All in all a pretty great appt.  I learned Saturday that my E2 level was in the 400s.  kinda low, but I have a lot of little follies so it lines up.
  After Monitoring, DH & I jumped back in my trusty jeep and high tailed it 1.5 hours north to Vernon Hills to go for our followup ultrasound w Dr. KK.  We made it there about 15 min before my appt time, which was perfect because it was time for my shots.  We can now add the bathroom there to my list of weird places Ive shot up.  When I came out, the ultrasound tech was waiting for me.  We got down to business and the ultrasound was pretty quick.  She remeasured a few of my follies and the lining, and was a touch more generous in sizing than my REs nurse.  We repeated the doppler to check the flow and seemed happy with what she saw.  When she was done, I put my pants back on and we waited for the nurse practitioner.
  Margaret (the NP) came to meet with us and review all our results.  (why am I saying we & our?  lets face it, it's my results.  No one touched DH lol)  We started with the ultrasound.  If you remember, on the initial ultrasound, I had restricted blood flow to my uterus and left ovary with no blood flow to zone 3 (the implantation layer).  Well, guess what folks!  I have bloodflow in normal range now and adequate bloodflow in zone 3!!!  I could have cried!  Those bruises from the lovenox are totally worth it!  Next we talked about labs.  My thyroid is now 0.78.  That's crazy!  They want to check it next week, so hopefully my RE can just add it on to one of the monitoring appts.  My NK cells and cytokines are still elevated.  She suggested we try IVIG, but we are unsure if insurance will cover it.  They will work to see if insurance will cover it.  If they will, I'll do that too.  If not, it's 2-3 thousand dollars not counting the time for the infusion.  So I don't think we'll pursue it.  In the meantime, they doubled my prednisone dose, saying that was a good other option.  It'd be different if she told me that IVIG is necessary, then we'd do it & figure it out later.  She just said it'd be a good tool to use, but the increased prednisone will be helpful too.  We reviewed what medications I'm on, she gave me instructions on how to manage the lovenox around the ER and told me to increase it to 2 times a day after the transfer.  Oh joy, even once I'm done with stims, I'll still be on 3 shots a day.  She also advised me to do 1ml of PIO after retrieval in addition to the crinone.  Overall, great appts.  DH & I spent the rest of the day floating around in his parents pool, since the live about 15 minutes away from Dr. KKs office. 

Saturday:  Early morning monitoring again.  The ultrasound revealed my 7 follies on the left, with the largest one being 14 mm.  The big surprise was that that right side now has 11 follies, ranging from 6-9 mm.  The nurse feels that we'll be looking at a friday retrieval.  We want at least 3 follies around 20 mm before we trigger, so there's still time for that right side.  If I can get some on the right to about 14-16 mm by the time we trigger, they'll probably be good for ER.  After that, I went to the local Revolve meeting.  It felt so good to go especially since I missed the previous 2 for work.  From there I made a mad dash for acupuncture.  I ended up being late thanks to bad traffic.  I hate being late, they they werent upset.  My session was so relaxing!  After that, I dashed back home to assemble a fruit tart to take to my brother's house.  He was BBQing for my mom's birthday. 
  Lately, the family get togethers have caused some anxiety, with my sister in law being 26 weeks pregnant and my mom being less than supportive of our struggles.  It was okay for the most part.  Sometimes it's hard to swallow the excitement between the 3 of them.  They opted to tell mom the baby's name yesterday, since she bought their furniture and they had set up the nursery.  I'm genuinely very happy for them, but honestly, it was kind of difficult to go in the nursery.  I tried to crack a few jokes about putting up a huge canvas photo of me in there, but there was a part of me that just ached. 

  Today is dedicated to relaxing, cleaning up the house and preparing for the week ahead.  My mom is coming over tomorrow after I get home from monitoring to talk strategy for the baby shower.  She has no idea we're doing this IVF cycle.  I figure that if we hammer out some details and I can give her some tasks to accomplish, maybe that'll buy me some time to get past the ER without having to talk to her.  I know that sounds bad, but trust me, I think it's the best thing for me at this point.  I love her to death, but she doesn't offer the support I need.
  After all the appts the past couple days, I've finally begun to feel hopeful and excited.  We have all these improvements and great outcomes.  I really feel like we have an amazing chance of success.  Also, it might just be strange coincidence but it seems like everytime i get in the car to go to an IF related appt, there are positive songs on the radio.  Songs I usually use to pump me up, or get me in the right mindset.  I think it's a sign.  Wanna know what's been playing?  Check out the lyrics and tell me it's not a sign lol.
Try-Pink
Don't you worry child-Sweedish house Mafia
Lose yourself-eminem (ok, I know that one it weird, but I used to use this one to pump myself before a performance/audition when I was a vocal major)
Stay-Rihanna

there are a bunch of country songs too, but I can't think of their names right now.  I blame the meds.  I think they're making me dumb.  Pretty soon my entries will be 2 sentences long.  Symptom wise, as of last night, I have fairly constant bloating, an occasional cramp.  Hot flashes, irritable, tired, increased CM (my E2 must be climbing!) and a low grade headache.  I say Bring it!