Yesterday was our followup appt to talk about all the testing we've been doing. Overall it was a good appt and I feel good about our plan. We talked about the labwork, and for the most part it was all okay. I do not have PCOS, insulin resistance, or diabetes. The immune stuff he drew came back fine and I don't have a clotting disorder. We got our genetic panels back as well. It turns out I am a carrier for MTHFR gene mutation and DH actually has it or is "affected." The RE explained it as a deficiency in the ability to properly metabolize folic acid & because of that, there's a higher risk for blood clots. So we've both received a prescription for folic acid. He said that on the spectrum of genetic disorders, this one is relatively minor.
We then talked about the saline sonogram from Friday. He said that there is a polyp in there. Then he brings out the pictures. Now, I could've sworn on Friday he said it was "small." Well, on the photos, it looks like it takes up my whole uterus! Holy smokes! No wonder my embryos don't want to stick around! Next, we talked about what to do about it. He gave us 3 options. 1. do nothing 2. hysteroscopy 3. hysteroscopy & laproscopy. Option 1 was not an option for us, so that was nixed right away. For option 2, essentially, they put me under general anesthesia, thread a camera through my cervix and once they find what they are looking for, either snip it out, or scrape out the uterus. It'll depend what it looks like in there. Recovery is about 3-4 days and he would manage my pain with Toradol and Ibuprofen ( since I am allergic to codeine) Option 3 includes option 2, but they would also do a laproscopy to look at the outside of my ute/ovaries etc. They do this by making a few small incisions in my abdomen, put a camera through one of them and inflate the area with a little air. If they found scar tissue or endometriosis, they could take care of it then. Recovery would be closer to a week.
Initially, I said we should go with option 3, because I would already be under and it'd be nice to have the piece of mind. After talking about it with the RE and DH, we opted for option 2. There really isn't much evidence to suggest I have endo, nor have I had abdominal trauma/surgery to think there'd be scar tissue. My recovery will be shorter, and we still get that polyp the heck outta my ute.
After signing the consents, the surgery scheduler got me preverified, and because I am still on the BCPs, they were able to have some flexibility with scheduling it. I'll be having my hysteroscopy on Monday. Yes, this monday. I can't believe it happened so quickly!
The RE wants a cycle inbetween having this done and the IVF cycle, so it looks like I'll be cycling in May. I'm okay with that. I emailed my boss today and gave back the time off for april and asked about time for May. Im not worried about that though. My work for the most part has been fantastic.
I bet you're thinking, wait a minute. Doesn't she have that RI appt next tuesday? Well, I did. I thought I probably wouldnt want an ultrasound the day after the ute scraping, so I called & rescheduled it for March 27th. However, I'm not sure if I will keep it or not since all the immune stuff so far has been okay. The problem might have been the polyp, not my immune system, ya know? Maybe I'll send them my new labs & see what they think.
Wish me luck!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Rough day thoughts
Today's been a rough day. Mostly because of work, hence the lack of details. It just made me think that even if I do get pregnant, I doubt I'll ever feel safe. I'll always be waiting for something to happen. Granted, that's all I feel like I'm doing now. Waiting.
Friday, February 22, 2013
The hits just keep on commin
I had my saline sonogram today (SIS or SHG depending on what other REs call it). Basically, they use a catheter, go through my cervix and fill the uterus with fluid. This is done to look as the shape, as well as to see if anything else could being going on in there (polyps, fibroids etc). When you do a notmal ultrasound, the uterus is like a deflated balloon, so you can't really see if anythings growing in there. When you fill it with saline, anything growing floats away from the uterine wall.
I was told this test was similar to the HSG (hysterosalpingogram-where they instill dye through a catheter to check the patency of your fallopian tubes) but is less uncomfortable. Knowing this, immediately I was nervous. I fall into a small group of women that have really bad experiences with the HSG. When I had mine done, I cramped so badly when they put the catheter in that I could not straighten my legs. I made sure to take a lot of ibuprofen about a half an hour before the test this time. My poor Liver must hate me. First, the tech did a regular ole transvag u/s. Then came part 2. My RE came in and put in the speculum, cleaned my cervix and got going. I will say, I had some of the same cramping, it just wasnt as intense. I could feel him inflating the balloon, speculum comes out, then the u/s probe goes back in. I'd have cramping with the manipulation of the catheter, but then it would subside. It felt like he was looking at things forever. The whole test lasted maybe 30-40min. When they were done, I got to get dressed and meet him outside the room.
The RE told me to make an appt to come talk to him about the results. I told him that was making me nervous. He said that he saw a polyp and that we should take care of it before going further. When I asked him if I would still probably be okay to cycle with April, he said probably not. On the plus side, he told me all my labwork so far has come back okay (except my cholesterol's a little high). I made an appt to see him wednesday to talk about our options. When I got to the car, I cried. Partially because I don't feel well from the test, partially because I feel like this is a setback. I had everything arranged at work finally to make this cycle work. But the more I think about it, it's good that we caught this. If this damn polyp is the reason why I'm not getting pregnant, then I need it out like yesterday! Maybe it's all supposed to work out this way. I have my RI appt on March 5th. maybe between that & the polyp, we'll have a super strong plan when it's time to cycle again. At least maybe we're finding answers.
I was told this test was similar to the HSG (hysterosalpingogram-where they instill dye through a catheter to check the patency of your fallopian tubes) but is less uncomfortable. Knowing this, immediately I was nervous. I fall into a small group of women that have really bad experiences with the HSG. When I had mine done, I cramped so badly when they put the catheter in that I could not straighten my legs. I made sure to take a lot of ibuprofen about a half an hour before the test this time. My poor Liver must hate me. First, the tech did a regular ole transvag u/s. Then came part 2. My RE came in and put in the speculum, cleaned my cervix and got going. I will say, I had some of the same cramping, it just wasnt as intense. I could feel him inflating the balloon, speculum comes out, then the u/s probe goes back in. I'd have cramping with the manipulation of the catheter, but then it would subside. It felt like he was looking at things forever. The whole test lasted maybe 30-40min. When they were done, I got to get dressed and meet him outside the room.
The RE told me to make an appt to come talk to him about the results. I told him that was making me nervous. He said that he saw a polyp and that we should take care of it before going further. When I asked him if I would still probably be okay to cycle with April, he said probably not. On the plus side, he told me all my labwork so far has come back okay (except my cholesterol's a little high). I made an appt to see him wednesday to talk about our options. When I got to the car, I cried. Partially because I don't feel well from the test, partially because I feel like this is a setback. I had everything arranged at work finally to make this cycle work. But the more I think about it, it's good that we caught this. If this damn polyp is the reason why I'm not getting pregnant, then I need it out like yesterday! Maybe it's all supposed to work out this way. I have my RI appt on March 5th. maybe between that & the polyp, we'll have a super strong plan when it's time to cycle again. At least maybe we're finding answers.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
And now back to our regularly scheduled programming
Okay, I'll admit I took the news of my brother's baby pretty rough last night. I've had some time (and a good workout & a half of a bottle of wine) to think about it. I've had the following thoughts.
1. It's not their fault that I can't have a baby without some kind of medical intervention.
2. I am excited to be an aunt.
3. It won't matter if they take "my" baby names, because we will still use them.
4. I'm not looking forward to dealing with his mother in law.
5. At least my brother and I can switch off babysitting each other's kids, since we both work 12 hr shifts.
6. My mom is going to be too much to handle, so I need to be careful.
7. I am glad that they aren't having to deal with infertility as well. I was really worried about that.
Don't get me wrong, there is a part of me that is still sad and bitter. I am just trying to keep her on a leash. If anything, it's a huge motivator to get my butt back in the gym. I took a break, since I was sick and didn't feel up to doing much. Now, I'm thinking that if lowering my BMI will increase my chances, I have to do it. I know it's been awhile, so here is a check in on the weight situation.
Starting weight: 228.5
Starting BMI:41.8
Weight today: 215
BMI today: 39.3
Total lbs lost: 13.5
Change in BMI:-2.5
I'm still 52 lbs away from getting my BMI out of the Obese range. I don't think that's obtainable in the time before our next IVF, but the more I can lose the better anyways. I'd like to be under 200 by the time of the cycle. That is obtainable I think.
I started birth control pills today. It's still funny to think I need to take BCPs to get pregnant. I also started all my vitamins again. The saline sonogram is on Friday. I'm still nervous, but I'll suck it up. I have every intention of telling my RE on Friday that he needs to step up his game now that my brother's wife is pregnant. Hopefully some of my labwork will be back by then too. I want to make myself perfectly clear to him that I want to do everything we possibly can. Balls to the Wall baby!
1. It's not their fault that I can't have a baby without some kind of medical intervention.
2. I am excited to be an aunt.
3. It won't matter if they take "my" baby names, because we will still use them.
4. I'm not looking forward to dealing with his mother in law.
5. At least my brother and I can switch off babysitting each other's kids, since we both work 12 hr shifts.
6. My mom is going to be too much to handle, so I need to be careful.
7. I am glad that they aren't having to deal with infertility as well. I was really worried about that.
Don't get me wrong, there is a part of me that is still sad and bitter. I am just trying to keep her on a leash. If anything, it's a huge motivator to get my butt back in the gym. I took a break, since I was sick and didn't feel up to doing much. Now, I'm thinking that if lowering my BMI will increase my chances, I have to do it. I know it's been awhile, so here is a check in on the weight situation.
Starting weight: 228.5
Starting BMI:41.8
Weight today: 215
BMI today: 39.3
Total lbs lost: 13.5
Change in BMI:-2.5
I'm still 52 lbs away from getting my BMI out of the Obese range. I don't think that's obtainable in the time before our next IVF, but the more I can lose the better anyways. I'd like to be under 200 by the time of the cycle. That is obtainable I think.
I started birth control pills today. It's still funny to think I need to take BCPs to get pregnant. I also started all my vitamins again. The saline sonogram is on Friday. I'm still nervous, but I'll suck it up. I have every intention of telling my RE on Friday that he needs to step up his game now that my brother's wife is pregnant. Hopefully some of my labwork will be back by then too. I want to make myself perfectly clear to him that I want to do everything we possibly can. Balls to the Wall baby!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
straight outta left field.....
Having infertility should come with super powers. If I can't have a child, I should at least get some kind of badass super power to make up for it. Right about now I'd kill to be able to predict the future. I was driving home tonight after a long, trying day at work when my phone rang. It was my sister in law. I should have been tipped off right there cause she doesn't really call me a whole lot. She was calling to let me know I'm going to be an auntie in October. I swear I almost crashed the car. All of a sudden, I didn't know what to do. It felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. A million thoughts flooded my mind at once. "October? how many weeks does that make her?" "I thought they were waiting like 5 years"and of course the inevitable..."why?"
I held it together pretty well while talking to her, but then she handed the phone to my brother. My strength failed me and I started crying. I congratulated him, calling him "daddy." We ended the phone call and all I could do was sob. I feel like the worlds worst sister, because even though Im happy for them, in the back of my mind, I'm throwing myself a huge pity party. I am angry that I have to deal with IF and that it is robbing me of such a joyful event. I am scared that my next IVF will fail again and that I will never have children. But I am also relieved that my brother and sister in law do not have to fight this fight too. My brother had a testicular torsion when he was younger, so I worried IF was in his future too. For that I am thankful.
I think I need to get a cape for my next IVF cycle.
I held it together pretty well while talking to her, but then she handed the phone to my brother. My strength failed me and I started crying. I congratulated him, calling him "daddy." We ended the phone call and all I could do was sob. I feel like the worlds worst sister, because even though Im happy for them, in the back of my mind, I'm throwing myself a huge pity party. I am angry that I have to deal with IF and that it is robbing me of such a joyful event. I am scared that my next IVF will fail again and that I will never have children. But I am also relieved that my brother and sister in law do not have to fight this fight too. My brother had a testicular torsion when he was younger, so I worried IF was in his future too. For that I am thankful.
I think I need to get a cape for my next IVF cycle.
Monday, February 18, 2013
an Update
Friday I went in for my quarterly blood letting. 9 vials of blood. Yuck! Now I wait for results. My saline ultrasound is on Friday and I am starting to get nervous. I know they told me it won't be as bad as my HSG, but part of me is still dreading it.
On the plus side, I finally got my protocol and dates. It finally feels real. I start BCPs on Wednesday, Lupron (20 units) on 3/10, Baseline is 3/22 and stims start 3/23 as well as decreasing my lupron dose. I'll be back on the baby aspirin too (we'll see about heparin once we know if I have a clotting disorder). I do get steroids this cycle too (prednisone). The nurse in me was very happy to see there is a tapered dosing schedule for it too. I'll start w 10 mg daily through stims, then after retrieval it increases to 3x a day for a week. then I taper off. Very safe way to manage the steroids. I also get my standard estrogen patches, crinone, doxycycline and valium.
I'm still planning to see Dr Kwak-Kim on 3/5. I am worried about the cost, but it's better than not knowing/missing something. I am just hoping I have my lab results by then so we don't have to double draw.
I've been really bitter lately and I want to blame the fact that I got my period and got sick all at the same time. Talk about stress on the body! One good thing that is coming out of it is that I am learning to be a little selfish and not worry so much about making everyone else happy. I know my limits and have been sticking to them instead of putting on the brave face and suffering in silence.
I need to go stock up on my vitamins now that my labs are drawn. I also want to set up an appt for acupuncture and possibly find a therapist that specializes in infertility. I also need to get my butt back in the gym and restart tracking my calorie intake. I've fallen off since getting sick, but on the plus side, I haven't regained anything I've lost. Once my nose stops running like a faucet, I'll start working out again. It's Go time!!!
On the plus side, I finally got my protocol and dates. It finally feels real. I start BCPs on Wednesday, Lupron (20 units) on 3/10, Baseline is 3/22 and stims start 3/23 as well as decreasing my lupron dose. I'll be back on the baby aspirin too (we'll see about heparin once we know if I have a clotting disorder). I do get steroids this cycle too (prednisone). The nurse in me was very happy to see there is a tapered dosing schedule for it too. I'll start w 10 mg daily through stims, then after retrieval it increases to 3x a day for a week. then I taper off. Very safe way to manage the steroids. I also get my standard estrogen patches, crinone, doxycycline and valium.
I'm still planning to see Dr Kwak-Kim on 3/5. I am worried about the cost, but it's better than not knowing/missing something. I am just hoping I have my lab results by then so we don't have to double draw.
I've been really bitter lately and I want to blame the fact that I got my period and got sick all at the same time. Talk about stress on the body! One good thing that is coming out of it is that I am learning to be a little selfish and not worry so much about making everyone else happy. I know my limits and have been sticking to them instead of putting on the brave face and suffering in silence.
I need to go stock up on my vitamins now that my labs are drawn. I also want to set up an appt for acupuncture and possibly find a therapist that specializes in infertility. I also need to get my butt back in the gym and restart tracking my calorie intake. I've fallen off since getting sick, but on the plus side, I haven't regained anything I've lost. Once my nose stops running like a faucet, I'll start working out again. It's Go time!!!
Worried and Anxious
I've been trying to organize my thoughts for this post. I have typed and deleted, and typed and deleted. I need to stop deleting and just talk. How bout a weekend recap first?
Saturday was the Resolve meeting. I'll admit, when I went to the first one, I was apprehensive. That quickly changed and I finally felt like I found a place for me. As sad as it is that so many women are having the same struggle as me, it's nice not to feel so alone. I also got to have breakfast with a couple of the girls afterwards, so that was great! The rest of saturday consisted of cleaning and baking for sunday.
Sunday, the chicagoland ladies from the Infertility board had our get together. I had a blast! It was so great to finally put faces with names. It's nice be able to speak openly about what's on my mind, especially infertility wise without having to censor myself like I do with a lot of my friends. In the evening, my brother, sister in law, and my brother's best friend came over to watch walking dead. I turned it into a party and served cocktail weenies, guacamole, chips, beef sandwiches, and Irish carbomb cupcakes. My sister in law brought a yummy pizza dip. It was fun!
So, now we get to all the worry and anxiousness. One of my friends who is also going through IVF, has been getting second opinions. Which of course made me go back & look at my REs SART data for DOR patients. He had ZERO successful DOR fresh IVF cycles. Cue freakout. My husband could tell something was wrong, and finally got it out of me. He told me that I put it in the REs mouth that I'm DOR. I honestly can't recall if I did that or not. So I was starting to worry that maybe I should get another opinion. I just dont want to waste any more of my cycles. I think that part of the anxiety is the fear of another failure.
I keep reminding myself of all the changes the RE is going to make this time. Plus I have the RI appt coming up too. I told my husband that if she suggests anything minor (steroids, blood thinners) I'm on board with doing that with this cycle. If she wants to something more extreme (IVIG or intralipids) that I would save that for IVF#4 if we needed to. I'm hoping that I'll have some results for the labs I'm having drawn tomorrow before that appt and that she can make some suggestions for dosing since I think he'll do steroids anyways. I've been working on this post for too long, and now I have more to update so I'll end here & start a new post.
Saturday was the Resolve meeting. I'll admit, when I went to the first one, I was apprehensive. That quickly changed and I finally felt like I found a place for me. As sad as it is that so many women are having the same struggle as me, it's nice not to feel so alone. I also got to have breakfast with a couple of the girls afterwards, so that was great! The rest of saturday consisted of cleaning and baking for sunday.
Sunday, the chicagoland ladies from the Infertility board had our get together. I had a blast! It was so great to finally put faces with names. It's nice be able to speak openly about what's on my mind, especially infertility wise without having to censor myself like I do with a lot of my friends. In the evening, my brother, sister in law, and my brother's best friend came over to watch walking dead. I turned it into a party and served cocktail weenies, guacamole, chips, beef sandwiches, and Irish carbomb cupcakes. My sister in law brought a yummy pizza dip. It was fun!
So, now we get to all the worry and anxiousness. One of my friends who is also going through IVF, has been getting second opinions. Which of course made me go back & look at my REs SART data for DOR patients. He had ZERO successful DOR fresh IVF cycles. Cue freakout. My husband could tell something was wrong, and finally got it out of me. He told me that I put it in the REs mouth that I'm DOR. I honestly can't recall if I did that or not. So I was starting to worry that maybe I should get another opinion. I just dont want to waste any more of my cycles. I think that part of the anxiety is the fear of another failure.
I keep reminding myself of all the changes the RE is going to make this time. Plus I have the RI appt coming up too. I told my husband that if she suggests anything minor (steroids, blood thinners) I'm on board with doing that with this cycle. If she wants to something more extreme (IVIG or intralipids) that I would save that for IVF#4 if we needed to. I'm hoping that I'll have some results for the labs I'm having drawn tomorrow before that appt and that she can make some suggestions for dosing since I think he'll do steroids anyways. I've been working on this post for too long, and now I have more to update so I'll end here & start a new post.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Bitter Betty, table for one?
It seems to be a trend with me that I'll go on a blog streak then a dry spell. I feel like it's been awhile since I wrote, though it probably hasn't really been THAT long. I've been finding myself increasingly bitter lately. Is this a delayed reaction from the BFN? possibly. Maybe I've just been on the IF rollercoaster way too long.
I've been trying to find more sources of support so that I don't completely lose it. In my search, I decided to intro on the Infertility Veterans board on thebump. It's not that I don't love being on the Infertility or 3T boards, but I am becoming more the minority now that I have 2 failed IVFs under my belt. I want to be loving, helpful and supportive for the other girls, but some days it's really hard for me to see the first timers to be all hope and rainbows, get their BFPs and leave the board while I'm still stuck behind in IF hell wondering if it'll ever happen for me. I know how horrible of a person that must make me sound. I don't want to be bitter and jealous. I hate that IF is doing this to me as it's not my normal personality. On the IFV board, the members have all been active on IF/3T for at least 6 months and have at least 2 failed cycles under their belt. Sounds like a good fit for me, right?
The Chicago girls from the IF board are all getting together for brunch on Sunday. I'm really excited about it and happy to finally put faces to names. I also have a Resolve meeting on Saturday morning. IF weekend!!!!!
I heard back from the RI's office later last week. They reviewed my chart and would like to see me March 5th. I took the appt to hold it, but some days I'm still on the fence about going. Maybe half of the workup they would do, my RE will do. He's not completely sold on the idea of RI though so some of the tests he opted out of. When the girl on the phone called, I was at the gym and almost fell off the elliptical trying to talk to her. I got instructions not to eat after 10pm the night before, and about an hour before my appt to drink 32 oz of water. I had asked if it was okay if I was on bcps and/or lupron (since I don't have my firm calender yet for the IVF cycle) and she said that was fine, they just didnt want me to be on my period. I don't think that should be a problem, especially if I'm already on bcps.
I think I'm going to keep the appt. When we do our workup with the RE in the middle of Feb, I plan to get a copy of those test results so that I don't have to repeat any tests with the RI (unless she wants to). I just don't want to miss anything, especially if the next IVF cycle fails.
The next couple weeks need to hurry up. I just want to get started and get my plan in action. On the lighter side, I am beyond excited that the Walking Dead will be back on this Sunday! I am even throwing a party to watch it. I hope pinterest has some great Zombie party ideas! Oh, and after today, I am off work for 5 whole days!!! I can't wait. Work has been very trying on me lately and I could really use a break.
I've been trying to find more sources of support so that I don't completely lose it. In my search, I decided to intro on the Infertility Veterans board on thebump. It's not that I don't love being on the Infertility or 3T boards, but I am becoming more the minority now that I have 2 failed IVFs under my belt. I want to be loving, helpful and supportive for the other girls, but some days it's really hard for me to see the first timers to be all hope and rainbows, get their BFPs and leave the board while I'm still stuck behind in IF hell wondering if it'll ever happen for me. I know how horrible of a person that must make me sound. I don't want to be bitter and jealous. I hate that IF is doing this to me as it's not my normal personality. On the IFV board, the members have all been active on IF/3T for at least 6 months and have at least 2 failed cycles under their belt. Sounds like a good fit for me, right?
The Chicago girls from the IF board are all getting together for brunch on Sunday. I'm really excited about it and happy to finally put faces to names. I also have a Resolve meeting on Saturday morning. IF weekend!!!!!
I heard back from the RI's office later last week. They reviewed my chart and would like to see me March 5th. I took the appt to hold it, but some days I'm still on the fence about going. Maybe half of the workup they would do, my RE will do. He's not completely sold on the idea of RI though so some of the tests he opted out of. When the girl on the phone called, I was at the gym and almost fell off the elliptical trying to talk to her. I got instructions not to eat after 10pm the night before, and about an hour before my appt to drink 32 oz of water. I had asked if it was okay if I was on bcps and/or lupron (since I don't have my firm calender yet for the IVF cycle) and she said that was fine, they just didnt want me to be on my period. I don't think that should be a problem, especially if I'm already on bcps.
I think I'm going to keep the appt. When we do our workup with the RE in the middle of Feb, I plan to get a copy of those test results so that I don't have to repeat any tests with the RI (unless she wants to). I just don't want to miss anything, especially if the next IVF cycle fails.
The next couple weeks need to hurry up. I just want to get started and get my plan in action. On the lighter side, I am beyond excited that the Walking Dead will be back on this Sunday! I am even throwing a party to watch it. I hope pinterest has some great Zombie party ideas! Oh, and after today, I am off work for 5 whole days!!! I can't wait. Work has been very trying on me lately and I could really use a break.
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