My therapist encouraged me to write letters to people, regardless of if I'd send them. The goal is to help me let go of feelings I harbor. Since I've have so much building anxiety, I thought now might be a good time to write them. Some people I'll refer to by name, others I won't.
Dear J,
I don't thank you often enough for everything you do. You give me support when I need it the most. I know we have had our tough times, and we don't always see eye to eye on the plan, but that has never stopped us from accomplishing our common goals. With you by my side, anything is possible, and everything will be alright. I love our life together. I am sorry for the times I've failed you and I know I've let you down. I am truly blessed to have you in my life. I know that no matter the outcome of the next couple weeks, we will face it together and hopefully begin a new chapter of our life together.
Love always,
M
Dear Mom,
I've struggled with the words to tell you how I feel for quite some time now. I know that most of what you say and do is done out of love. I can't imagine it's easy to have two children at two opposite ends of the spectrum. One expecting a child and the other struggling with possibly never having a child. While I can appreciate the excitement you feel for your soon to be grandson, your lack of restraint about those feelings around me hurt more than I think you realize. I don't want to know what you bought him, or listen to you gush about him. I love him too, but somedays it hurts too much to know I might never be able to give you that. I feel that you bullied me into hosting the baby shower. I told you from the start I wasnt even sure I'd be able to handle going. I needed you to respect that, instead of making me feel bad or unsupportive of my family. If anyone needs support right now, it's me. Yet I can't even tell you that we're going through this cycle because you don't know how to be supportive without getting your feelings bent out of shape when I ask for privacy. I know how contradictory that sounds, but there are some things I need privacy for.
I get angry that you give all the love and support I need to my sibling and seem to have little to no regard for my feelings. I don't want to resent you or our relationship to suffer, but I can see it happening. Our relationship has been strained since Dad died, but I don't think you see it that way. I worry that because this has effected our relationship, if I have children, your relationship with them will be effected as well. I worry that with the way you don't take care of your health, you might not be around to see me have children. I also worry that you are preventing yourself from finding happiness again. I know dad was your first love. Just because he's gone, doesn't mean you cant be happy again. He would want that.
Love,
Your sweet pea
Dear D&J,
I am sorry I haven't been more involved in the goings on of your pregnancy. I know it may seem that I am just being jealous or selfish. Somedays it just hurts, but not for the reasons you may think. I love you both, and I love your son more than you'll probably understand. I am thankful you didn't need to travel down the same road we did. I am thankful that you don't have to experience this. The only thing I can think of worse than having to do this myself is if you two would have had to. Please be patient with me. I am trying. It's okay to ask me about how our treatments are going. It makes me feel like you care and support us. I desperately need that support and love. Please dont shut me out.
Love
M
Dearest sweet baby,
How do I write a letter to someone I don't know yet? I'm your mom. I want you to know how much I've prayed for you and how much I love you. You are already loved more than you know. I am not a perfect person. Far from it, in fact. I have made a lot of mistakes and dumb choices in my life. The best choice I ever made was trying for you. I'll never regret anything I've done that lead me to you. A day will never go by that you don't know how much you are loved. Daddy and I are praying so hard that you decide to stay with us.
Love always and forever,
Mommy
Dear Me,
This is the most difficult letter I've had to write. It's okay to feel hopeful. Just because you've suffered failure and loss in the past, doesn't mean you can't be happy and optimistic for what could happen. Don't let past experiences hinder the present. You also need to forgive yourself. People are young and they make mistakes. What matters is that you learn from them and not repeat them. It doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be a mother or that you are being punished. Stop living in the past. Look forward and be excited for the unknown.
Love Me
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