B-Day

   Nope, it's not my birthday.  That was in May.  Today is Beta day.  I can proudly admit that I have not POAS once this cycle so today's results are a complete surprise.  I honestly don't know which way I think it'll go.  I can picture it both ways.  Part of my brain is already thinking that it's not the end of the world because we have frozen embryos now, unlike our previous cycles.  Am I doing that to protect myself?  possibly.  Am I afraid it'll still hurt to fail? Absolutely.  Am I afraid I'll never get pregnant?  Definitely.  On the other hand, I can imagine getting a positive result.  Sobbing tears of joy instead of pain.  I want that so badly.  
   Wednesday I was in rough shape.  I had myself convinced that it didn't work.  I'd like to think that it was all due to the amount of hormones I'm still on.  Maybe that progesterone finally caught up?  It all came out while DH gave me my PIO that evening.  My hips are starting to get really sore, so when he stuck me, it really hurt.  And I started sobbing.  I felt horrible that I couldn't control it.  He was so understanding though.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  Yesterday and today are better.  I just keep reminding myself that we have done everything possible for this cycle.  If I'm not pregnant, it's not for lack of trying.
  Since we have been doing everything differently this cycle, today was no exception.  I'm off work today.  Our previous cycles I worked the day of beta (BIG MISTAKE.)  I had a hard time falling asleep last night, even with taking the extra 400 mg of progesterone at bedtime.  I woke up with DH's alarm, took my synthroid, crinone and changed my estrogen patch and went back to bed.  I've been having dreams of positive betas, and of camping out in my RE's office until we got results.  I woke up a little after 7 and it was downpouring so I just laid in bed a listened to it.  There's always been something soothing to me about listening to the rain.  However, then the power went out.  And it remained out until 10 am.  This meant brushing my teeth with a bottle of water, doing my best not to look like I just rolled out of bed, and opening the garage door manually (which is not easy when you're on'y 5 foot 2).  I made it to the appt early and got my blood drawn right away.  The nurse told me the RE is in 2 offices today, so not to expect a call till later today.  So now I wait.
   I have taken today to be good to me.  I soaked in the bathtub for a little bit with some guided imagery and a wonderful smelling bath bomb from lush.   I folded the laundry and put it away, had some lunch, painted my toes.  I'm just trying to be good to me today.  DH is coming home from work early today so he can be here when the RE calls.  Thats something we haven't done before.  I've always gotten the phone call at work and had to break the news to him.  Hopefully we are celebrating instead of grieving.
  DH said something interesting to me today that got me thinking.  Before he left for work, he told me it was raining and that it was a sign of good luck.  He's referring to our wedding day.  It monsooned on our wedding day.  We got just enough of a window to get some outside photos done, but started to downpour on our way back to the limo.  But the rain didn't ruin our day.  It just gave us a memory and some pretty great photos.  So the rain wont ruin today either.  Maybe this is a sign.