Survival

        I survived the holidays, and with minimal bloodshed at that.  I think I deserve a medal or something.  It wasn't without drama though.  I got the BFN on Friday while I was at work.  I wasn't even supposed to work that day, but had switched with someone to have Saturday off to go to Hanukkah with my mother in law's family.  Now, I love my in-laws, don't get me wrong.  But sometimes they just need to learn to take a hint.  It's more so one aunt in particular.  She means well, but it's just too much sometimes.  On our 2 hour drive to her house, I was telling my husband how I was nervous about getting cornered by her and that I couldn't make any promises about being polite if she was too persistent.  Surprisingly, most of the party was fun.  The food was good, we had fun with white elephant and there was no baby talk.  That is, until we were trying to leave.  We were under curfew to leave, since I had to be up at 5am the next day & we had a long drive home. 
         We were in the kitchen, putting on our coats, grabbing leftovers & saying goodbyes, when his aunt cornered us.  She started talking about how great it'd be to hold a newborn and how we should have kids etc.  My husband interjected and said something about how it's not lack of trying (or something similar) and she got all excited.  I think the only part of the conversation she noticed was the "trying."  She started going on about how when she got pregnant the first time, she & a friend went to AZ for a vacation, and indulged in lots of booze & drugs.  I snarkily turned to my husband & said, guess we're going to AZ!  She also said her dr told her to take robitussin.  I'm assuming that's how they tell people to take mucinex now to help with cervical mucus.  She left the conversation for a bit but then came back & wanted to hug & kiss me, saying she's sorry for being pushy etc.  I have to wonder if my MIL might have said something, since she knows about our struggle and had watched the whole thing unfold.  His aunt starts saying how it'll happen when it's supposed to etc and I can feel my strength wavering & tears starting to well up.  I did manage to escape without crying, so Im proud of myself for that.
        I also managed to snap at a coworker on Sunday morning during report.  I'm caring for twins from IVF and she indicates that in report.  Then she goes on to say how she (a single woman, in her 30s) is just going to go through IVF and have some twins since it seems to be the popular thing to do.  I tried to politely tell her that she should watch those preconceived notions, thinking she'd move on & finish report.  Nope.  She continues to state about how 19 year olds use it and they have so much time on their side.  I stated that all the time in the world can't change things for people with a medical reason to not be able to TTC naturally and that IVF isn't a guarantee of twins/successful pregnancy.  She kept going and since I just wanted her to STFU, I told her that Ive had 2 failed IVF cycles and she should keep her opinions to herself.  She started to backpedal then, stating that it's different because I'm married.  UGH.  I am so tired of the ignorance about infertility!!!
      Our Christmas was nice.  We went by my inlaws on Christmas eve and of course AF decided to show up too.  This one was way worse than after the first IVF, but I think it's because I wore the estrogen patch longer.  I was so sick I considered not going to my inlaws, but large amounts of motrin/tylenol & alcohol made it possible.  I got some more barnes and nobel gift cards, so I am well on my way to get the nook Ive been saving for.  My inlaws also gave me 2 tickets to see Maroon 5 in April!  My mother in law & sister in law have the seats right next to mine, so it's like a girls night.  She told me to invite whoever I want.  I just have to figure out who.  Im so excited. 
     Christmas day my family came over for brunch.  Nice and low key.  I felt slightly better than the day before, so that helped a lot.  My mom went all out this year, but not as bad as I worried she would.  we got a keurig!  I'm excited to play with it, and maybe it'll help me keep a control on the amount of caffeine I drink.  I can even get decaf cups for when Im cycling again!  My brother & sister in law gave me fuzzy moccasins and a giftcard for victoria secret.  It was nice just to spend time with my family.  Other than that, my husband and I just hung out & watched christmas movies with a couple bottles of leftover champagne.
   Im starting to think about making my WTF appt.  Its nice to have the time off, but it's weird not to be doing something.  AF has been wonky.  It started heavy on Christmas eve.  Normally I spot for a couple days first.  It was also super clotty (sorry for the TMI).  The weirdest part is that it was only 2 days long.  2 super bad days, then nothing!  where did it go?  I used to have week long periods. Thanks a lot IF!

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Needless to say, my negative home tests were right and my beta level today is 0.  I had been braced for this, but it still stings.  My RE feels IVF will work for us and we're getting closer to success.  He was happy with the cycle besides the BFN.  I told him I need some time before cycling again, but I want to be more aggressive and persue more testing in the mean time.  I'll make a WTF appointment with him, but I want to get through the holidays first. 

Things on my list to ask about are:
Immune & RPL testing.  I know I haven't technically had a loss yet, but maybe there's something at play I don't know about.

Endometrial biopsy and/or saline sonogram. 

Any alternative therapies to add on such as accupuncture etc.

Part of me is afraid to stop all treatment, so I questioned if IUIs in the meantime would be okay.  He didn't feel theyd help a whole lot but we can talk about it.  I also know I need to lose weight.  Again, we'll worry about that after the holidays.

On the plus side, my amh level was 1.82.  He told me he isn't concerned until its less than 1.  So at least theres that.

Holding onto Hope

    It's been a week today since our transfer.  The little twinges & cramps are becoming less and less, but the bloat is still there (oh YAY!)  One of the girls on the message boards who did her procedures at the same time as me got a BFP last friday.  So naturally I caved and tested on saturday.  BFN.  Now, I know this is way too early.  I have that trusty chart from NYU saying I won't even have detectable hcg until like Weds.  I'm keeping hope that I just tested too early.  These hormones are doing a number on me.  I've even begun garbage picking.  Let me explain.
     I woke up at 5 am on saturday to do my Crinone & change my estrogen patch.  I wasn't even planning on taking a test but something in my head said just do one!  So after waiting the 5 minutes, I saw it was negative, tossed it in the garbage & went back to bed.  A few hours later, I get up & go to brush my teeth & get ready for the day since my father in law was coming over.  Again, that pesty voice in my head said look at the test!  So I garbaged picked and found the test.  Holy Eff there was a super faint 2nd line!!  I stared at it for a long time, debating on if I tell my husband or not.  I asked him to come see it since I really thought I was seeing things.  He agreed he saw it & then scolded me for testing already.  We agreed not to read too much into it since we knew it was too early.  That didnt stop me from calling up Dr. Google and consulting him about if it was an evap line or not.  I also told DH that I was bringing another pregnancy test with us on the overnight we were going on to a friend's Christmas party.  Well, the test on sunday was negative, so I'm thinking it was an evap line.  Todays test is negative too.  Like I said though, it's still too early, so I'm trying not to worry yet. 
    Seeing the negative tests has made me think though.  What are we going to do if it's another failed cycle.  We haven't talked about it yet.  Part of me wonders if we should take a break.  I've already used up 2 retrievals off my insurance and I'm not exactly excited to have to start over with my deductible again.  Then there's another part of me that just can't give up.  I already know the RE will make me wait out a cycle inbetween.  Should we maybe just do a few IUI's with injectables?  we only did IUIs with clomid before plus I really don't think I was being timed appropriately for the IUIs. 
    I also have to wonder about our diagnosis.  We're unexplained IF.  Is there anything else we can do as far as testing to figure out why this isn't working?  Not like I really want to have an endometrial biopsy or saline sono, but if it'd help us figure out why, then why not?  I also wondered about additional labwork.  I asked them to run an AMH level with one of my lab draws with this cycle.  I've never had it checked, and I need to find out the result.  I've never been checked for the thrombophillias or any of the immune testing.  I do have eczema, so I have to wonder if there's something immunological at play.  Some days I think I'm just looking for an answer that might just not be there.  Sometimes unexplained is unexplained. 
   There have been days I considered giving it all up, persuing adoption, all of that.  I just can't give up on myself yet.  I am stronger than this.  I will beat this. 

P.S.  I don't remember if I mentioned this before or not, but I found out that the person I sent my leftover Ovidrel to (I never ended up needing to use it for our IUIs) if pregant!  I can't even begin to explain how happy I am for her & her husband.  I'm glad that I was able to help her.  She gives me hope that this will work.  You gotta have hope.
    

Crazy Hormones

Well, I think any question I had of if the Crinone and estrogen were working have been completely dispelled.  I am a hot mess today.  My time off of work is coming to a close so I wanted to get my holiday baking at least started.  I love to bake, especially at the holidays.  I think a lot of it's psychological.  It reminds me of a time when I'd bake cookies all day with my mom.  The house would be all decorated and it'd smell so good.  Its one of my favorite memories.  It was a simpler, happier time.  Before I even knew about infertility, before we stopped talking to my dad's family, before my mom got sick and was left disabled and before we lost my dad.  Back then, I was the only one that had the patience to hang out with my dad while he made his fudge.  I'd sit & talk with him or he'd park me on a chair in front of the stove & let me stir.  He made it every year, so when he died, I wanted to try to keep making it.  Luckily for me, I remember the steps since he only wrote down the ingredients.  Thanks dad!

So as I channel my childhood, radio blaring, I couldn't help but imagine having a baby or babies next year at this time.  I could continue the traditions my parents started.  So of course that made me cry.  Then that Gary Allen song came on the radio about how every storm runs out of rain & it made me think of our journey with Infertility & that made me cry.  Then, it got worse!

I had text my mom to find out if she had gotten some news she was waiting for (she didn't btw).  She proceeds to ask me when I'll know if I'm pregnant.  I didn't want to give her the exact beta date for fear of having to face her if it's another failed cycle.  So I told her I have a blood test next week and asked that she respect that regardless of the outcome, we will tell her when we are ready.  Well, she took that as an insult and got off hurt & offended.  So I got to go a couple rounds with her, trying to get her to understand that it's a stressful time & would like some privacy.  So she's mad at me and that made me cry.  I can't expect her to understand the incredible pressure that comes with people knowing too much.  When people know too many of the details, like when the beta is for example, then I don't get the time to process anything privately.  And if it's successful, I want to be able to "surprise" our families with the good news and make a big deal about it.  Because it is a BIG DEAL.  Her knowing takes that away from me.  It's bad enough that I haven't been able to get pregnant the "traditional" way.  Can't I try to retain some sense of normalcy with a pregnancy?

DH called when he was on the way home from work and I told him about it.  Of course I started crying, stating how I am terrified that theres a potential this cycle didn't work.  He told me we can't think like that.  I'm glad I have him to help me through the rough days and I totally blame the waterworks on the estrogen patch.  We need to go to Target when he gets home to find some white elephant gifts for a Christmas party this weekend.  I'm thankful to get out of the house, but I better not cry in target or DH will think I'm nuts.  today is 4dp5dt.  7.5 more days till beta.  AND I haven't POAS since my trigger has been out.  God give me strength!!  Here's a couple photos from Christmas when I was little.

And now, we wait.

  Well folks, the two week wait is upon us.  I know Im being heard too, since I see I actually have followers now.  Thanks to all my loyal listeners!  Both the ER & ET are over and now Im just in limbo.  So let's que the dream sequence.....

ER was on 12/5.  We arrived bright and early and thanks to having gone through it before, I didn't get too nervous until I was on the table & they were going to start my IV.  The nurse anesthetist had a hard time finding a good vein which just skyrocketed my anxiety, but once she got it, it was smooth sailing.  She even gave me some zofran because I told her I sometimes get sick from anesthesia.  What a sweetheart, but talk about a horrible case of drymouth!  The RE came in all ready to get started then next thing I knew I was waking up.  IVF & IF sucks, but man do they give good drugs!  I worried when I woke up cause I felt strangely fine.  Then they told me we got 16 eggs!  Thats right folks, double what I got last time!!  I got moved to a recovery room, lots of vitals & more IV fluids.  And the best juicebox I've ever had in my life!  They took out my IV & told me I could get redressed & go home.  They didnt go get DH this time, but thats okay, I just wanted to go home.  I spent the rest of the day resting on the couch and drinking more gatorade than is humanly possibly.  Which consequently lead to having to go to the bathroom every 20-40 min.  I must have done something right though cause I really haven't felt at all like I did last cycle.

The REs office called the next day with the fert report.  When I answered the phone, it was the RE himself.  I immediately asked what's wrong!?  Nothing was wrong, he just had my fert report & the nurse wasn't in the office that day (okay girl, breathe!) Okay, sit down & brace yourself for this.  ready?  Of our 16 eggs, 12 of them were mature!  It gets better, they had enough eggs to divide them into two groups.  One group, they would let fertilize naturally and the other they would ICSI.  Of the mature eggs, 3 fertilized naturally and 5 fertilized with ICSI!  The best part of the phone call?  He was pushing us to a 5 day transfer!!!  OMG!!!!  a 5dt means we would be transferring our sweet lil embies back in on mine & dh's dating anniversary (we've been together 10 years, can you believe it??!)  I think it's a sign!

So flash forward to yesterday.  I follow all my directions to the letter & show up nice and early.  The valium was already kicking in by the time the nurse brings me back to check my bladder.  My nursing bladder didn't win this time, I drank double the water I was supposed to & was good to go!  DH & I get put in a room to get ready, ie paper gown & nothing on from the waist down for me & some kind of smock thing for him.  Plus booties for our feet.  The RE comes in to give us the scoop on the embies.  Turns out we had 3 that made it to day 5.  One was a morula (stage before a blast) that they would continue to watch to see if it caught up to freeze.  We also had 2 blasts!  One was an early blast that came from the natural fertilization group, the other was a fully expanded blast, which is what happens right before they hatch!  OMFG get outta TOWN!  We have MotherTruckin blasts!!!!!!  obviously, we chose to transfer the 2 blasts back in.  They took us in the room, strapped my legs into the huge stirrups & away we went.  Last transfer, I barely felt anything.  This one was more painful but nothing unbearable.  First the speculum was too short I think, so they got a longer one.  Then it felt like he was digging around in there for what felt like FOREVER, like how many options do you have doc?  I caught myself tensing up & had to keep deep breathing to make myself relax.  Finally it was time to put them in.  They were handed into the room through the little door in the wall (dh's favorite part) and I focused on the ultrasound screen.   Then they were in!  the embryologist checked the catheter to make sure they weren't hiding out & all systems were a go!  Speculum came out, thank god & the nurse was waiting with the bedpan.  I swear if it had gone on much longer, I might have peed on the RE.  That's what I get for trying to outsmart my bladder!  In the glory of using the bedpan, it definately overflowed and got the table and the back of my shirt.  Epic fail!  I had to lay put for 20 min then we could go.

The RE noted that my cervix looked pretty irritated and suggested we change my progesterone from the endometrin (remember I had bleeding with that one last time too) to Crinone gel.  They gave me enough to get through the week & if it works well, then we'll order through my mail order pharm & I'll replenish their stock.  I also got a Dr. note for work to limit my lifting, since I'm on restriction until at least the beta.  We set our beta appt for a week from friday & home we went. 

All & All, I feel pretty good.  Occasional cramping & twinges, but nothing too bad.  The Crinone isn't bad either.  I start estrogen patches tomorrow & oh boy I can't wait.  Those made me nuts before. 

The embryologist called today to update me on the morula.  Unfortunately, it couldn't be frozen, but she told me she was glad I was resting and to send her a photo in 9 months.  I'm thankful for her optimism.  If anyone should be able to be optimistic, it should be the embryologist.  This is it.  I can feel it!  Oh, my trigger is pretty much gone too (it's a super uber faint shadow at 7dptrigger).

If anyone is curious to know how things progress after a 5dt, this is the reference I've been using.http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer

Thanks for stoppin by!

It's been awhile....

Oh my poor neglected blog, I'm so sorry for ignoring you!  It's been a busy few months.  Let's see, where did we leave off.  Oh yeah.  The failed IVF cycle.  That sucked.  When we met with the RE for our WTF appt, he said that on paper, the cycle went just fine.  He recommended we cycle again with the same protocol.  He changed me doses a little & added baby aspirin to the routine.  We ops ted to join in the December cycle group, partially because I was was afraid that if we stopped treatments for too long, that we wouldn't start back up, and also because I've already met my deductible this year. 

I started BCPs around Halloween and had my baseline the day after Thanksgiving.  Stims started the day after that.  Honestly, I was surprised that he didn't cancel me.  During my baseline, they found a cyst on mt right ovary.  Apparently, it wasn't that big and must not have been affecting my estrogen levels, so I got the green light.  Stims this time went so much more smoothly than last time.  I did 10 days this time, and never hit the "I can't do this" crazies.  I triggered last night at 8pm and am going in for my retrieval in the morning. 

This whole time, I've said that I have a feeling about this one.  It feels different than IVF#1.  I don't know if its just because I know what to expect or what, but I really think this is the one.  I even had a fortune cookie tell me "your present plans are going to succeed."  How can a cookie be wrong?!  I've taken some extra steps this time, vitamins, a St. Gerard medal, meditation, we went to church.  I've sent meds I didn't need to people that are OOP.  That all has to mean something right?  Granted, I'd be just as happy just to help someone. 

I've been trying really hard not to get all caught up in things and get ahead of myself.  I did however, look ahead to what days could be transfer days.  (In my defense, I have to let my husband know for work)  If we make it to a 5dt this time, it'll be on monday, which is mine & my husband's dating anniversary.  We've been together 10 years.  It's really hard to believe where we are now vs 10 years ago.  It's funny because I wasn't even sure I wanted to date someone initially, but now I can't imagine my life without him.