Pulling the trigger

   I had my final monitoring appointment this morning.  Yep.  That's right, I said final.  I have at least 3 follies in the 18-22 mm range, so I was given the green light to trigger tonight.  I've been so focused on that right ovary, and it seems like I have 3 good contenders on that side.  I watched as my nurse wrote measurement after measurement in my chart.  Honestly, I didn't really count.  Maybe part of me wants a surprise friday, or maybe I'm just afraid to get my hopes up.  My lining dipped from a 10 to an 8, but I still have time before transfer to get it back up.  I'm trying not to worry about it.
  It's ER week at the office, so my RE has been around more than usual during monitoring.  That always throws me off.  I think my nurse tells me more details when he's not around.  They gave me my trigger instructions after going back & forth over using a half vs whole dose.  I said, let's do the whole thing, I can take it.  That brought out a little smirk from the RE-a rare feat.  He agreed to the whole dose, but said it was dependent on my E2 level today.  If it skyrocketed, then I'll have to take a half dose to avoid putting me at risk for OHSS.  I definitely don't want that.  With my E2 level being 1200 on Monday, I don't think that I'll have to worry about it.  Typically, around this time, I'm very weepy and anxious.  I blame the rising E2 level.  I haven't been as "unstable" as I have been in the past, so I think I'm seeing more of a steady rise.  Slow and steady rise and growth is best for egg quality, or so that's what I keep telling myself.
    Speaking of feeling unstable, I had a complete panic attack yesterday.  Again, I blame the hormones, but it was horrible.  I started worrying about my egg quality, since I've been stimming longer than normal.  That lead to me worrying about the fact that my NK cells and cytokines are elevated.  Which lead to me worrying if insurance will cover IVIg.  Which lead to worrying about the cycle failing and what we'd do from there.  My therapist would have yelled at me for letting my thoughts get that out of control.  In my defense, I did try to control it.  I took a bath with my favorite bath bomb from Lush, I listened to about 3 guided imagery recordings and nothing!  Finally I mentioned it to my acupuncturist and he did a few more points that are supposed to help with anxiety.  And you know what?  It DID!  He also showed me some pressure points and tips for when I'm not in his office.  It was wonderful.
  I think it's normal to be apprehensive at this time.  I wish I was all sunshine and rainbows, like I was with the first IVF.  I wish I had that ignorance of what failure feels like.  I know being negative wont help us have success.  We've spent the past 2.5 years having failure after failure.  It's hard to try to find that optimism.  I felt it after my appointment last friday.  I need to keep reminding myself of all the good changes.  If this one fails, it won't be for lack on trying, that's for damn sure.  Granted, that won't make failure any easier.  I think part of me wants to be happy and excited and believe this will work this time.  However, another part of me is so afraid of the failure that it makes me hold back, as if to protect myself.  I have to wonder if my fear is holding me back.

I mean, honestly, what do I have to lose?  I've seen failure.  I sat in the room that would be our nursery(assuming we'd have one baby) and imagined sitting there, rocking my sweet baby in a rocking chair, singing them to sleep.  Furniture layed out perfectly, sunlight streaming in the windows.  I can see it.  I haven't lost hope of having that.  Its that image that gets me through the bad days.  

  I'd like to put the plea out to ask for good thoughts and prayers for us over the next few days.  I'd appreciate it.  I know I've never prayed harder in my life.  Thanks everyone!