Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Losing my safety net

2 posts in one week?  Can it be?!  Yes, my dear readers, it's true.  I looked back on my posts and saw how pathetic I've been with keeping this blog updated, so I'd like to try to make a better effort-at least before the babies arrive.  I've been noticing I've had some increased anxiety lately as well.  Hopefully posting will help that as well.  Especially since my therapist has been on maternity leave.

Today I am 33w4d.  All along the plan has been that if I go into labor after 34w, the OBs won't try to stop it and rather do our c-section.  They also won't administer steroids after 34w.  As a NICU nurse, that makes me apprehensive.  Fetal lung maturity isn't complete until approximately 36w.  If the babies came now, they would probably need some form of respiratory support.  Granted, we're delivering at the hospital I work at, so I know they'd be in good hands.  I just don't want to see it happen.  Its scary to think that any day now, in theory, we could have outside babies.  I think dealing with infertility jaded me to pregnancy.  Between the IF and my job, a part of me has stayed very guarded about actually having take home babies.  Like part of me is still protecting my brain/heart.  I know it's kind of odd.  I had a hard time setting up the nursery, washing their clothes etc.  Like it was an abstract concept.  DH and I talked names again this weekend, and we're set unless the babies really don't fit with what we've chosen.  He even referred to our little girl by name Sunday and it caught me off guard.  (btw, sorry, they're still going to be a surprise.  You'll have to wait till delivery)

Then I think about down the road.  Fearing I won't be a good mom.  I want them to have amazing, happy lives.  It makes me think about my own relationship with my mom and worrying that it'll repeat with them.  She's not a bad mom at all.  She's just not the type of support I've needed throughout the years.  I don't want them to ever feel like they can't come to me with something.

I've also worried about what happens if something happens to me during the c section.  I know that's pretty morbid, but between what I see at work and losing my dad so early, I think it's normal to worry about.  I told DH that I think I should have advanced directives and a living will and he kinda got nervous.  I just want everything spelled out so he doesn't have to make any difficult decisions.

I'm praying this is just normal nerves.  I'm sure it's normal to be scared, right?

Friday, February 21, 2014

Survivors' guilt?

This has been a topic on my mind for awhile and I didn't really know how to address it.  Honestly, I still dont.  At times, I feel like I'm stuck in some wierd limbo.  Part of my brain is still stuck in IFworld-where I wake up in the middle of the night expecting my water to have broken, or to no see both heartbeats on an ultrasound.  I start to worry when I don't think the babies are moving as much as they should.  In fact, that got me sent to triage at the hospital a few weeks ago.  I had called the OB because I didn't think the little boy was moving like he normally does, despite doing things that usually get them going.  They sent me to the hospital to be safe.  Well, after 4.5 hours on the monitor and a horrible OB resident that felt it was necessary to attempt to ultrasound my spine through my belly, the babies were both fine and we got to go home.  However, there's other times that my brain relaxes and believes I'm just a pregnant lady.  That doesn't happen too often, but the break is nice. 

I suppose the hardest part of being in this place is that many of my friends from the IF world are still fighting their battles.  Some are dealing with loss, others waiting for adoption, a few still haven't seen 2 pink lines on a test save for the triggers.  A huge part of me still associates with them.  Then my anxiety kicks in.  I avoid talking about my pregnancy around them.  Not because I think they don't care, but for fear of being insensitive.  These people were sometimes the only thing that helped me stay sane-ish throughout our journey.  I miss them.  I know they are happy for me, as I would be were the roles reversed.  Sometimes I feel as if I've downplayed my joy for the sake of others.  I try to avoid my bump ending up on facebook, because I remember how hard that was when I was having a bad IF day for example.  I love these babies and wouldn't change this for the world.  It's horrible that anyone has to go through infertility.  But at what point will I say it's okay to just let go of feeling guilty that things have gone well these past months?  I know it's not my fault that bad things have happened to my friends.  It's just a wierd place to be in.  Sometimes I just feel very alone.  I don't associate as well with some of my mommy friends because not all of them went through IF so I don't always feel they understand.

On a funny-ish note, DH and I were talking about what happens after this pregnancy.  Ideally, I'd like to breastfeed until the twins are a year, then wean and try again.  He sometimes thinks we're done.  I remind him we still have 3 frozen embryos, but his response is that "maybe it'll happen on it's own."  I about died.  Sure, 3 IVfs, countless shots, pills, immune suppression, IV infusions.....and it'll happen naturally.  He can dream right?

Thursday, January 16, 2014

What do you even say?

I swear, I haven't been neglecting this blog on purpose.  There are days I sit and stare at the blank screen and just can't find the words.  Pregnancy-wise, we are doing well.  I'll be 28 weeks tomorrow.  The babies are very active most of the time.  On our last u/s, baby girl weighed in at 1 lb 12 oz & baby boy is 1 lb 13 oz.  I measured a fundal height of 33 weeks then (I was 25 weeks at the time).  We get another scan tomorrow.  For the most part, I feel okay but work is getting rough.  My pelvis hurts most of the time, which makes it difficult to be on my feet for 12 hours.  I can't really complain, since we've made it this far.  I'm just starting to understand why my OB asks me about when I'll stop working.  We also had our first baby shower this past weekend.  This one was hosted by my family.  It was very overhelming, given how there was a time I never thought we'd get to this point.  We have one a week from saturday with my in laws and one the following week with my work family.

I suppose part of the reason for my silence is because I don't know how to talk about my happiness when someone I care for greatly is hurting.  Last month, my IF BFF was found to have complications with her pregnancy(out of respect, I will not divulge details).  She ended up delivering her sweet baby boy at 20 weeks.  It's taken me a long time to figure out what to say about it all.  I'm angry for her.  I don't think it's fair that after enduring a long battle with IF, this happened.  How much is one couple supposed to take?  I am simply amazed by her.  To have even a fraction of her strength would be more than most people have.  I selfishly fear that what has happened to them will change the friendship she and I have.  I'm so used to talking to her about everything from IVF protocols to nausea that it's been quite an adjustment.  I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to shelter her, but I don't want to be insensitive either.  I know that I'll do whatever she needs me to, even if that means she needs some space.  My heart just aches for her.  Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.     

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

And the verdict is.....

   We're having a boy AND a girl!!  I had an ultrasound on Monday with Dr. KK.  While we knew that baby B is a boy, baby A was the mystery.  Until Monday.  Nadia, my favorite ultrasound person, was able to get a good view of baby A from below.  She told me that at this point, she usually sees something there if it's a boy (and showed me where to look).  She didn't see anything, so it's a girl!  I can't believe that we're having a son and daughter! 
   Other than that, the appointment went well.  We drew labs, and hopefully will get to stop the progesterone this time.  I'll also be off the prednisone and metformin this Friday.  It's strange to transition to being more "normal" although I doubt I'll ever see myself as such.  I do, unfortunately, have a new pain.  It seems like it's my pubic bone itself.  I'm guessing the pregnancy hormones are kicking in to get my pelvis ready for delivery (in 18ish more weeks), but this really hurts. 
  I also had it confirmed during my ultrasound that those wierd, jabby feelings I've been having is, in fact, the babies moving!  I kind of felt like an idiot for not thinking it sooner, but with the anterior placentas, I thought I'd feel it later than this.  All in all, not a bad week so far.

Saturday, November 9, 2013


  That's right folks, I'm 18w1d.  I don't think I need to tell you how bad I suck at updating this thing.  Lately though, I've just been so tired and blogging seems to always lose on my list of to dos.  As a quick update, I can say that since we announced, we found out that baby B is a boy!!  Baby A wasn't cooperating for the ultrasound.  My mother in law thinks the baby is a girl and she is being modest.  Hopefully we'll see on my next ultrasound on Monday.  I still see Dr. Kwak-Kim every 2 weeks, and the OB is at every 4.  I don't see the OB again until 12/5 for our anatomy scan. 
   I know I said earlier that I have been very tired.  That is an understatement.  I could sleep all the time.  But the problem is that I can't turn off my brain, or get comfortable.  My hips hurt a lot, as does my tailbone.  From everything I've seen, this is normal, but it's been quite the adjustment.  My nausea has also returned over the past few days.  Honestly, I wish I could've called into work today but calling in on a weekend means I need to make it up the next weekend.  So that won't be happening unless I'm dying.
    On the meds front, I am finally getting to wean off the prednisone.  I should be done with it by the middle of next week as well as the metformin.  I'm thrilled about that.  Hopefully next we can get rid of the progesterone.  I'm still on 200mg daily of that.  I also still take synthroid, calcium, vitamin D, Vitamin E, metanx, fish oil, and a prenatal vitamin.  My lovenox has been every other day and my bloodflow has been in the 0.38-0.39 range (they want it to be less than 0.5).  Dr. KK added an antibiotic for an unsymptomatic UTI, which quite possibly could be why I feel so sick. 
   I suppose the biggest issue I'm facing (aside from worrying about every single thing) is dealing with my mom.  It's no secret she and I have had a strained relationship since my dad died.  After the way she treated me during IVF#2, I said I was going to keep her out of my buisness.  Well, from the moment she knew we were pregnant, she has talked about a shower.  I told her that I would really prefer having one combined shower, as I am afraid I'll end up on bedrest, or worse that the babies will come early.  The talks pretty much stopped after that.  My mother in law happened to offer to throw one last weekend while were at a family party.  I graciously accepted but asked if it would be possible to combine them and that I'm sure my mom would love to help.  My mother in law was thrilled!  I told my mom the next day what had transpired, and that my mother in law wanted to host it at her house, which is an hour north of where my mom lives.  Almost immediately, my mom had issues and tried to talk me into having 2, but said she'd do what I want.  I tried to stand my ground and said I wanted one and she said ok.
   Fast forward to yesterday, my mother in law called me to talk about the shower.  Apparently my mom had called her and made it seem that she really wanted to do something for me, but made up a bunch of excuses about her house being too small etc.  Somehow the conversation progressed and my mother in law was telling me that she's afraid of stepping on peoples' toes and that her feelings were getting a little hurt.  So I caved and told her that maybe it'd be better to seperate the 2 showers.  She agreed to do whatever I wanted, and at this point, I don't want my mom making my MIL feel bad. 
  After I got off the phone with her, I informed my mom what had happened and she tried to play innocent stating my MIL must have misunderstood her.  I don't think I really believe her considering one of my aunts facebooked me in the morning to offer to throw me a shower.  I think my mom has been plotting to get her way.  But after all that nonsense, she still wants to be invited to the party at my MILs house and thinks she can ride with us.  Um no.  I'm so tired of her pulling crap to get her way and not thinking about others concerns.  It is what it is at this point.  Hopefully my body and these babies will cooperate and get us through the parties in January. 

I'm just so disappointed that my mom can't be the mom I want/need her to be.

Saturday, October 19, 2013


  I just realized that my last post talked about how we were going to announce and I never updated.  Whoops.  I'm officially the worst blogger ever.  So, I ended up making about 300 cookies and dispersed them between our jobs and DH's family.  For our jobs, I wrapped cake boxes in baby wrapping paper, put sugar cookies inside that were rolled in pink & blue sugar and put a note on the inside lid that read,
"We don't know yet if we're pink or blue, all we know is we're having TWO!"  and followed it saying (insert our last name) twins due April 2014.  I left mine in our kitchen at work and waited.  DH took his to work and I believe left it on the counter.  They got quite the reaction.  It was pretty great. 
  For DH's family, we did another box of cookies, but this time I made M&M with pink & blue M&Ms.  On the inside lid we printed "DH & M are pregnant!" and attached an u/s picture of each baby.  We were over for a family birthday party, so we saved them for dessert (after the presents had been opened as to not upstage the birthday people).  My inlaws knew we were going to do this, so I asked my MIL to have her sister open the cookies.  It took her a second to see the note, but once she did she started crying and hugging my MIL.  The rest of the family quickly caught on & it was quite the excitement.  DHs oldest male cousin asked if there were 2 u/s pictures because there's 2 babies, to which I said Yes and the excitement started all over again.  It was wonderful.  Most of my family already knew, thanks to some loose lips, so I sent a text to the remaining family that didn't know.  Not as dramatic, but we don't see them very often. 
  Through all this, DH & I turned off our FB walls to avoid people saying anything on there before we could.  So to finish our big outing, we turned our walls back on on Sunday night, posted a photo of our cats with a sign saying they were going to be big brothers to twins and the message that "DH and I are very excited to share the news that we are expecting twins in April 2014!!  As many of you know, this wasnt an easy road for us and we just wanted to take the time to thank you all for your continued love, support, prayers and encouragement.  It really means the world to us."

It feels so good to have announced.  I still haven't told my mom she could tell people.  I think I'll let it go as long as possible.  I have no doubt she continued to tell people anyways though.  **sigh**

Monday, September 30, 2013

An update

I followed up with my OB today, as I was instructed after being discharged from the ER.  A quick pelvic exam showed my cervix is nice and closed and there was no active bleeding.  He did see some old blood, but nothing much to write home about.  The nurse attempted to find the heartbeats with the portable doppler but had no success.  At one point I thought I heard one, but it might have been my own heartbeat.  Just to play it safe, they did an ultrasound. 
  Twin A is measuring 2 days ahead with a heartbeat of 157.  Twin B is measuring 1 day ahead with a heartbeat of 163.  They barely saw the SCH.  My cervix measured nice an long and closed, just like in the ER.  After a few more measurements, she was done and I got redressed.  The OB came back in and said it's definately a partial placenta previa and told me I am on pelvic rest until it revolves.  I asked if this is common in multiples and he said yes, due to the fact that there are 2 placentas in the same amount of space.  The good news is that more often than not, seeing a previa this early is kind of good because they tend to resolve more than the ones you see later in pregnancy.  He also warned me I may bleed off & on until it does resolve.  I asked if I was still okay to work and he said yes as long as I take it easy when I can.  He wants me to watch for cramping and to stop my activity if I start having bad cramping that doesn't go away.  I see them again next week for a routine appt and my NT scan. 
  I opted not to tell my mom I was in the ER.  She would have panicked and insisted on being there.  With the fear of miscarriage, that's the last thing I want.  Part of me regrets not telling her because I dont think she appreciates what we are going through.  She thinks this is just a regular pregnancy, with the exception of 2 babies.  She doesn't even attempt to understand the concept of measuring them in weeks & days vs months.  DH did tell his parents, because he went out of town with his dad on no sleep after our ER trip.  His mom text me today to see how I was feeling, check in about the appt I had and to tell me she loved me.  Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but that really got to me.  Maybe I have more mommy issues than I thought.
  We are still planning to announce the pregnancy this weekend.  I'm doing work on Friday, to mark 13w.  I'm bringing in cookies and leaving a sign with them in the breakroom.  I'll post a picture when I do it.  We're telling the rest of DH family when we see them for a family party Saturday.  Still not sure how we're gonna do that.  I have one more aunt/uncle to tell from my family, but we never see them so it'll probably be a text so they don't see it on facebook first.  Facebook maybe we'll do sunday.  I'm scared to come out, but I think it's time.  Aside from the bleeding/previa, we've had great ultrasounds and the babies look good.  Time to share them with the world.