I've been feeling more anxious that usual actually. I tried talking about it in therapy but all she wanted to talk about was the babies and my plan for when I go back to work. I'm starting to wonder if I have a form of PTSD from our infertility. I have an overwhelming fear that something will happen to the babies. Like I will never be safe. I don't really understand it. I never had a BFP before the twins, so it's not like it's caused by previous loss, unless you count all the embryos that never made it. I just feel like I'm still waiting for the other foot to drop. I know I'm not the same as I was before IF. I liken it to going to war. Except the war has been, and apparently continues to be, with myself.
I visited my RE's office yesterday. I thought bringing Will and Lucy to meet the people that helped us get them would give me some closure. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't. I did ask when a good time would be, as I didn't want to parade them in front of ohter IFers. I managed to catch the tail end of their day, after procedures. One patient was coming out of her IVF consultation, and asked if my babies were from IVF. I told her yes, that we were in his July group last year and that it was our 3rd cycle. she smiled and hopefully found some hope in our success. It was an emotional visit, as I was able to time it during a cycle week and our embryologist was there. I joked about scheduling a frozen transfer, and that I wanted to name the babies Lupron and Lovenox. I introduced her to the babies, telling them that Melissa and Dr. Levrant held them before I did and Melissa picked them for us. It's very overwhelming to think about it all. I also got to see my favorite nurse, and since then we've become facebook friends. And of course I needed photos (babies ahead):
Lucy with our embryologist Melissa