Yep, that's right. It's my birthday. I'll admit I had problems with this one. Yes, I know 29 is still young. However, it's the same age my mom was when she finished having kids. I guess that kinda bugs me. I know times were different yadda yadda yadda. So I've tried to adopt a better attitude about it, especially considering the less than wonderful appt I had with Dr. KK last week. My new thought is that 28 (and 27 too kinda) sucked. 29 is going to be better. And ya know what? I already think it will be.
I woke up to a couple emails from Dr. KKs office. One was telling me that my PAI-1 level is now normal (thank you magic metformin) and the other was my modified protocol including dates from Dr. KK. I"VE BEEN GIVEN THE GREEN LIGHT TO CYCLE IN JULY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes that needed to be all in caps. I can't even believe it! best birthday gift ever. Once I get my calender figured out, I'll clue you all in on what extra is going into this round, but for now, I'm off to enjoy my birthday with my husband.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
He put needles where??
Well, I survived acupuncture. Honestly, it was pretty relaxing. The appointment started with an interview. I think he asked me more questions about my cycles than my RE did. Little details down to color & flow even. The interview took maybe 20 min or so, there were a lot of questions. Next he looked at my tongue. I forgot to ask why, though I've heard that the traditional chinese medicine places do that. I'll have to ask next time. We moved to the treatment room, and he had me lay down and did some instructions for breathing. Next thing I knew he was sticking needles in my feet and legs. I also had 2 in my left ear and one in the top of my head. Then he left me to relax for about 40 minutes. They play really quiet music and I was right by a window so I could watch the clouds go by. It was really nice.
I had a lot of time to think while I was laying there. He told me ideally, 3-4 months should get us egg improvement. That falls right in line with the wait till september idea DH had. Maybe it's not such a bad idea. It gives me more time to lose weight and get into the healthiest state I can be. Plus then I can stop birth control for awhile. Who knows, maybe it'd happen naturally? Wouldn't that be crazy?
Well, I'm off to therapy. Seriously, if you've even considered acupuncture, try it! Just make sure they specialize in infertility. There's a huge difference between having it done by someone like I did today, and going to someone that took an extra class ( like chiropractors-no offense chiros!)
I had a lot of time to think while I was laying there. He told me ideally, 3-4 months should get us egg improvement. That falls right in line with the wait till september idea DH had. Maybe it's not such a bad idea. It gives me more time to lose weight and get into the healthiest state I can be. Plus then I can stop birth control for awhile. Who knows, maybe it'd happen naturally? Wouldn't that be crazy?
Well, I'm off to therapy. Seriously, if you've even considered acupuncture, try it! Just make sure they specialize in infertility. There's a huge difference between having it done by someone like I did today, and going to someone that took an extra class ( like chiropractors-no offense chiros!)
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Who's afraid of needles??
When I went to the RI last week, I asked her about acupuncture. She said there's a lot of studies saying it helps. I asked for a referral, and this is the one she gave me http://easternhealing.org/. So I have an appointment for tomorrow for a consult and a session. I'm nervous. As a person that is phobic with needles, I have a hard time thinking people find it relaxing, but if it will help us have a baby, I'm willing to try it.
I'm still waiting to hear back about the missing labwork results. I sent Dr KK an email today, so I should hear back within a couple days. I reminded her that I am still scheduled for IVF in July, and want to be aggressive as possible to make that happen. Hopefully she'll greenlight me. It's either that or waiting till September. Last September wasn't too lucky for us. It's out of my hands now though.
I'm still waiting to hear back about the missing labwork results. I sent Dr KK an email today, so I should hear back within a couple days. I reminded her that I am still scheduled for IVF in July, and want to be aggressive as possible to make that happen. Hopefully she'll greenlight me. It's either that or waiting till September. Last September wasn't too lucky for us. It's out of my hands now though.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Stop the Ride, I want to get off.
Today was the day of my followup with Dr. Kwak-Kim. I left my house 2 hours before my appt time, since it's a holiday weekend and all. I made it in just over an hour. They didnt take me back until about 20 min past my appt time. I asked the nurse if they received my cd3 labs from the RE. They didn't. So I jump on the phone with a new fax number and the RE sends them right over. Dr. KK finally comes in and we talk briefly about the cd3 labs. She wasn't overly too worried about them. Then she proceeds to tell me that we're going to draw my thryoid levels. I remind her that I had them drawn a week ago. Apparently ACL didn't send the results. She leaves to go find out what happened. 20 minutes or so later, she comes back. They were able to get some of my results, but the PAI-1 and a few others weren't done yet. We were able to talk about what she did get and was told things are going in the right direction. She doubled my synthroid, since my level is hanging out around 2.5. She changed my folic acid to metanx, which apparently is a digested form. This should help my homocystine level come down. My DEAS level came down, but my testosterone levels aren't in yet.
Due to PAI-1 and testosterone not being in yet, she couldn't talk more about the plan and has also said she may need me to push back the July cycle. That set me over the edge. I reminder her that we asked her 4 times in last months consult if she was sure July would be okay to schedule. She said yes so I scheduled it. I rearranged my work schedule, which is NOT easy during the summer. I have rescheduled this IVF cycle 4 times. My boss is going to see me as unreliable. I understand she wants me to be in my best shape and that it'll help my success, but when is enough enough? I feel like there is always going to be something not 100% perfect. She told me if the missing labs dont come back good, we increase the metformin. I wish she had just gone ahead and done it. That way I don't lose time waiting for labs to show up.
I know that all of this is for a reason. I need to keep my eye on the prize. I am just getting so tired of living my life month to month. I can't plan anything and I feel so out of control. But what else am I supposed to do?
Due to PAI-1 and testosterone not being in yet, she couldn't talk more about the plan and has also said she may need me to push back the July cycle. That set me over the edge. I reminder her that we asked her 4 times in last months consult if she was sure July would be okay to schedule. She said yes so I scheduled it. I rearranged my work schedule, which is NOT easy during the summer. I have rescheduled this IVF cycle 4 times. My boss is going to see me as unreliable. I understand she wants me to be in my best shape and that it'll help my success, but when is enough enough? I feel like there is always going to be something not 100% perfect. She told me if the missing labs dont come back good, we increase the metformin. I wish she had just gone ahead and done it. That way I don't lose time waiting for labs to show up.
I know that all of this is for a reason. I need to keep my eye on the prize. I am just getting so tired of living my life month to month. I can't plan anything and I feel so out of control. But what else am I supposed to do?
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The Rollercoaster......of IF!!!!!
Okay, so maybe that doesn't fit into the turn of Love Roller coaster from Red Hot Chille Peppers. This past week has definitely been a roller coaster though. My last entry was on Mother's Day. The next day, I called my RE's office and was able to go in for my CD3 labwork as well as the reconsult the RE wanted to do. Hey, why should I have to go for 2 different appointments and pay a copay each time? Well, I haven't seen them since March, so I felt pretty darn good about myself for having lost the weight he wanted me to and all that. I got my labs drawn no problem ( Can I just remind you how much I love Kathy my MA) and then waited to talk to Dr. Levrant.
In he comes, maybe 10 minutes later. Punctuality isn't his thing. I crack a joke about him breaking up with me for seeing the RI. Nope, that's not why he wanted to see me. He was actually fine with that. He wanted to talk about my screwy cd3 labs from April. He then proceeds to tell me that if the labwork I had drawn that day didn't improve, he would not let me use my own eggs and suggested me consider using donor eggs. Hello ball outta left field.
He goes on to say that if my FSH remained elevated, that he thinks I am starting to show as diminished ovarian reserve. He has not had success with IVF with women with FSH greater than 14.3. Mine had been around 20 in April. He played up egg donor, saying we can use our IVF benefits to pay for the donor, except their compensation, which is-get ready- $12,000!!!! That's a huge amount of money! At that point, I shut down. I stated that I should just save that money for adoption since IVF isnt guaranteed even with a donor, but adoption isn't a guarantee of getting a baby either. Either way, I felt screwed. Not to mention DH and I have not had the egg donor conversation.
It all rested on the labwork. Dr. Levrant did make me a protocol for July and I set up the appointments. It took all I have not to start sobbing at the reception desk. I cried all the way home and my doom and gloom thoughts kept snowballing. How was it possible that at 28 (I'll be 29 on the 30th, though I keep saying I won't have a birthday this year), that I might not be able to have a baby that is biologically both of us? Should we consider egg donor? Should we adopt? How in the world would we pay for it all?
I called my mom, which was a gamble. She's not the most understanding, though she tries hard to be, sometimes I think it just comes out wrong. She started to cry with me, but then went on to make it about her and how she couldn't give me an egg (creepy mom!) and how she knows how I feel (no, you dont. You claim dad just had to look at you funny and you were pregnant.-Creepy again Mom!) Surprisingly enough, I stood up to her. That she didn't know how this felt. She tried to liken it to losing my dad, which was Fabulous! Bring up more grief while I'm trying to process this. I got frustrated and had to go to the dentist anyways, so I ended the conversation. I calmed down in time to get to the dentist. They put me in the chair for my cleaning and asked if there was a possibility I was pregnant. I started sobbing again. I'm pretty sure they think I'm crazy.
When DH got home from work, we talked about what was going on. DH said if we needed to explore donor we would. Or if I wanted to stop and think about adoption, we could do that too. He also reassured me that we'd figure the money out, and that our parents would probably help us if we needed it. God I love that man.
It turns out though that we don't need to think about that quite just yet. I called the following morning to see how the levels were. my FSH came back down to 11.36!! I know that's still high, but so much better than last month! I honestly think that everything the RI is doing is contributing to the improvement. I also got a phone call friday from Dr. Levrant himself to tell me that we ran an amh level too and that came back at 1.99 (higher than November! although I still can't figure out how). He officially gave me the greenlight to use my own eggs in July!!!!!
Saturday I had more labwork drawn for my Dr. KK appt this Friday. I have a huge horrible bruise from it and looked like a heroin addict for a family party we went to Saturday. Funny how I can get drawn from the same vein 3 days in a row from the REs office with no bruise, yet I go to the outpatient lab and look like a junkie. Oh well though. If all my labwork is improving, then I can handle some bruises. Isn't that what happens in infertility though? You get all bruised up and broken, only to hopefully come out the other side with something wonderful to show for it. Here's to hoping for my something wonderful.
I've got to get going. Today is DH's bday and I have a cake baking in the oven for him. Take care everyone, I'll be sure to update again after my KK appt on Friday. xoxo
In he comes, maybe 10 minutes later. Punctuality isn't his thing. I crack a joke about him breaking up with me for seeing the RI. Nope, that's not why he wanted to see me. He was actually fine with that. He wanted to talk about my screwy cd3 labs from April. He then proceeds to tell me that if the labwork I had drawn that day didn't improve, he would not let me use my own eggs and suggested me consider using donor eggs. Hello ball outta left field.
He goes on to say that if my FSH remained elevated, that he thinks I am starting to show as diminished ovarian reserve. He has not had success with IVF with women with FSH greater than 14.3. Mine had been around 20 in April. He played up egg donor, saying we can use our IVF benefits to pay for the donor, except their compensation, which is-get ready- $12,000!!!! That's a huge amount of money! At that point, I shut down. I stated that I should just save that money for adoption since IVF isnt guaranteed even with a donor, but adoption isn't a guarantee of getting a baby either. Either way, I felt screwed. Not to mention DH and I have not had the egg donor conversation.
It all rested on the labwork. Dr. Levrant did make me a protocol for July and I set up the appointments. It took all I have not to start sobbing at the reception desk. I cried all the way home and my doom and gloom thoughts kept snowballing. How was it possible that at 28 (I'll be 29 on the 30th, though I keep saying I won't have a birthday this year), that I might not be able to have a baby that is biologically both of us? Should we consider egg donor? Should we adopt? How in the world would we pay for it all?
I called my mom, which was a gamble. She's not the most understanding, though she tries hard to be, sometimes I think it just comes out wrong. She started to cry with me, but then went on to make it about her and how she couldn't give me an egg (creepy mom!) and how she knows how I feel (no, you dont. You claim dad just had to look at you funny and you were pregnant.-Creepy again Mom!) Surprisingly enough, I stood up to her. That she didn't know how this felt. She tried to liken it to losing my dad, which was Fabulous! Bring up more grief while I'm trying to process this. I got frustrated and had to go to the dentist anyways, so I ended the conversation. I calmed down in time to get to the dentist. They put me in the chair for my cleaning and asked if there was a possibility I was pregnant. I started sobbing again. I'm pretty sure they think I'm crazy.
When DH got home from work, we talked about what was going on. DH said if we needed to explore donor we would. Or if I wanted to stop and think about adoption, we could do that too. He also reassured me that we'd figure the money out, and that our parents would probably help us if we needed it. God I love that man.
It turns out though that we don't need to think about that quite just yet. I called the following morning to see how the levels were. my FSH came back down to 11.36!! I know that's still high, but so much better than last month! I honestly think that everything the RI is doing is contributing to the improvement. I also got a phone call friday from Dr. Levrant himself to tell me that we ran an amh level too and that came back at 1.99 (higher than November! although I still can't figure out how). He officially gave me the greenlight to use my own eggs in July!!!!!
Saturday I had more labwork drawn for my Dr. KK appt this Friday. I have a huge horrible bruise from it and looked like a heroin addict for a family party we went to Saturday. Funny how I can get drawn from the same vein 3 days in a row from the REs office with no bruise, yet I go to the outpatient lab and look like a junkie. Oh well though. If all my labwork is improving, then I can handle some bruises. Isn't that what happens in infertility though? You get all bruised up and broken, only to hopefully come out the other side with something wonderful to show for it. Here's to hoping for my something wonderful.
I've got to get going. Today is DH's bday and I have a cake baking in the oven for him. Take care everyone, I'll be sure to update again after my KK appt on Friday. xoxo
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Happy Mother's Day
Wow, blogworld, this is my 50th post. Aside from the diatribe livejournal I maintained throughout my emo late teens, I'm not sure I've ever been able to keep a blog going this long. I'll continue to try not to disappoint.
Today is Mother's Day. I was supposed to work all day today, and let me tell you, I was dreading it. Being surrounded by the babies isn't so bad, as I feel like I am contributing to giving them a better life. It's the families that don't visit or my coworkers that complain about their kids or pregnancies or talk about their perfect lives so much despite knowing the infertility hell I'm in that bother me the most. Thankfully, I was cancelled for the first 8 hours of my shift, so I'll only have to keep it together for 4 hours. Then I can come back home and pretend it's not mother's day again.
I know my therapist said that just because I've never truly been pregnant, that doesn't mean I'm not a mom. That's a great idea, but it doesn't fix the emptiness I feel. If our first IVF had worked, I would be 36 weeks pregnant right now. I'd be putting finishing touches on our yellow baby room, since we would've had a shower by then. I can't help but get those ideas out of my head, which make it difficult to think it might never happen.
I am terrified that even with both the IVF plan from the RE and the protocol from the RI, I will put myself through ANYTHING to have a baby and it still might not happen. There is no guarantee I'll even have kids. There isn't even a guarantee with adoption.
On the plus side, I finally lost the 10% that the RE wanted. That makes me feel pretty darn good :)
Today is Mother's Day. I was supposed to work all day today, and let me tell you, I was dreading it. Being surrounded by the babies isn't so bad, as I feel like I am contributing to giving them a better life. It's the families that don't visit or my coworkers that complain about their kids or pregnancies or talk about their perfect lives so much despite knowing the infertility hell I'm in that bother me the most. Thankfully, I was cancelled for the first 8 hours of my shift, so I'll only have to keep it together for 4 hours. Then I can come back home and pretend it's not mother's day again.
I know my therapist said that just because I've never truly been pregnant, that doesn't mean I'm not a mom. That's a great idea, but it doesn't fix the emptiness I feel. If our first IVF had worked, I would be 36 weeks pregnant right now. I'd be putting finishing touches on our yellow baby room, since we would've had a shower by then. I can't help but get those ideas out of my head, which make it difficult to think it might never happen.
I am terrified that even with both the IVF plan from the RE and the protocol from the RI, I will put myself through ANYTHING to have a baby and it still might not happen. There is no guarantee I'll even have kids. There isn't even a guarantee with adoption.
On the plus side, I finally lost the 10% that the RE wanted. That makes me feel pretty darn good :)
Friday, May 10, 2013
Memories
I'd like to take a break from the infertility talk for a post and talk about something else. This week, I learned that a girl I graduated high school with passed away, rather unexpectedly from a tragic accident. Those of you in the Chicagoland area have probably heard this story, as it has been on the news and in all the papers. Maureen was at a Cubs game Sunday with her brother when she choked on a hot dog. Despite valiant efforts of her brother and medical staff, Maureen did not survive. However, she was able to be kept alive on life support long enough for her to donate her organs. It only seems fitting that a girl that was so loving, kind and generous has continued to give to others even after she has passed away. Here it one of the stories about her I liked the best. http://southtownstar.suntimes.com/19977448-418/teacher-who-loved-cubs-killed-in-choking-accident-at-wrigley-field.html
I honestly can't wrap my head around the fact that she's gone. It seems so wrong. I remember Maureen as the girl who always had a huge smile on her face. She was so nice to everyone, despite what social circle they ran with. (You know in high school how rare that is!) If there is one thing I learned from her and this experience, it's that life is too short to be so serious. I can remember getting irritated at her our senior year. We were both in the honors choir. We got 45 minutes of rehearsal a day to prepare for performances. There were times she and her group would goof around, which would irritate me considering I planned to go to college for music. Looking back, I realize now that life is too short to be so serious. There has to be time for laughing and smiling.
So, Maureen, thank you for the lesson. I'll always remember it.
I honestly can't wrap my head around the fact that she's gone. It seems so wrong. I remember Maureen as the girl who always had a huge smile on her face. She was so nice to everyone, despite what social circle they ran with. (You know in high school how rare that is!) If there is one thing I learned from her and this experience, it's that life is too short to be so serious. I can remember getting irritated at her our senior year. We were both in the honors choir. We got 45 minutes of rehearsal a day to prepare for performances. There were times she and her group would goof around, which would irritate me considering I planned to go to college for music. Looking back, I realize now that life is too short to be so serious. There has to be time for laughing and smiling.
So, Maureen, thank you for the lesson. I'll always remember it.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Non-Mother's Day?
I am feeling a lot of anxiety about Mother's Day. I thought I was safe, because I will be at work that day. However, I still need to plan another day to celebrate with my mom which leaves the potential to possibly celebrate with my sister in law as well. I know I am a horrible person for it, but I am just not excited. It's hard to be left out and to be happy for others when you are sad for yourself. Honestly, I'd rather just take my mom out to lunch or something and leave it at that. Hopefully everyone understands. I also thought I was safe from my in laws party however, the new plan is that we will do a delayed mother's day. DH's grandparents are snowbirds and are coming back from FL after mother's day so my MIL's plan is to do Mother's Day and mine and DH's birthday since they are both the end of May. She also planned it for a day that I'm off so I can't get out of it (especially because my birthday is tied into it).
I wish everyone could understand how difficult celebrating those days are for me. I'm not just being a selfish Biotch. I hate having to go to things and fake being happy when I'm hurting so much. I'd rather just stay home and pretend it's just another day. I talked about this anxiety with my therapist the other day. I told her that it's painful to celebrate something I want so bad but might never be. What she said to me really caught me off guard. She told me I already am a mother, regardless of if I've actually gotten pregnant or not. I have made sacrefices for the benefit of my eggs/embryos. I loved the children they could have been, and dreamed and planned a life with them. They were real and even though they didn't stick, they are still mine. I guess I never really thought about it like that.
She also suggested I do something nice for myself to commemorate the day. A lot of people tend to forget women like me on Mother's day. She suggested maybe planting a tree or doing something that makes me feel good. I had been saving getting a pedicure for once I lose 22 lbs, as that is the 10% that the RE wanted me to lose. I do like the idea of planting a tree or something. I thought maybe I'd find a flowering tree for the backyard and maybe make a planter around it as well. Maybe I could put 4 perennial plants in it as a reminder of the embryos that didn't take. I'm not sure yet.
So my question is, what would you do for yourself to commerate your mother's day?
I wish everyone could understand how difficult celebrating those days are for me. I'm not just being a selfish Biotch. I hate having to go to things and fake being happy when I'm hurting so much. I'd rather just stay home and pretend it's just another day. I talked about this anxiety with my therapist the other day. I told her that it's painful to celebrate something I want so bad but might never be. What she said to me really caught me off guard. She told me I already am a mother, regardless of if I've actually gotten pregnant or not. I have made sacrefices for the benefit of my eggs/embryos. I loved the children they could have been, and dreamed and planned a life with them. They were real and even though they didn't stick, they are still mine. I guess I never really thought about it like that.
She also suggested I do something nice for myself to commemorate the day. A lot of people tend to forget women like me on Mother's day. She suggested maybe planting a tree or doing something that makes me feel good. I had been saving getting a pedicure for once I lose 22 lbs, as that is the 10% that the RE wanted me to lose. I do like the idea of planting a tree or something. I thought maybe I'd find a flowering tree for the backyard and maybe make a planter around it as well. Maybe I could put 4 perennial plants in it as a reminder of the embryos that didn't take. I'm not sure yet.
So my question is, what would you do for yourself to commerate your mother's day?
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