Busy Busy

   I didn't realize I haven't updated in almost 2 weeks.  I'm now 7w6d.  Since my last post, we've have a few more dr appts, some drama, and some very exciting announcements.  As far as the Dr. appts go, My RE is ready to release me next week.  I can't believe I'll be leaving them and going to an OB.  Part of me is sad,as I have grown close to the office, but another part of me is excited because this is a huge milestone for us.  Granted, everyday is a milestone.  I already have my OB appt made for sept 10th. 
  I've had a couple appts with Dr. KKs office too.  The ultrasounds have been much better since I've been able to be with the other person.  Everytime she shows me something new and takes the time to explain what shes doing.  We officially have 2 strong heartbeats that were both 143 yesterday.  She said they aren't embryos anymore, that they are fetuses and they have amniotic sacs.  She even looked at them in 3D!  DH was able to be there for yesterday's ultrasound and got to hear the heartbeats.  He was so amazed.  The previous week, we had found 2 small subchorionic hemorrhages.  This week, one has resolved and the other is small.  they want me to continue on my limited activity for now.  I also got an IVIg infusion yesterday.  Aside from them having issues getting the IV, then I had a small allergic reaction, it went fine.  The NP spoke with us for awhile about our plan.  Eventually we will be able to back off a little, but for now I still have weekly appts.  I get to skip next week because I'll be seeing the RE though.  All my appts are booked through the first week of October and unfortunately 3 of the 4 ultrasound appts are with the person I don't like.  I don't like it but I don't have much choice.  I have no problem telling her if she's being inappropriate or hurting me. 
  Unfortunately, the drama we've had is with Dr. KKs office too.  We've been dealing with payment issues between columbia pharmacy and our insurance company.  Long story short, we found out that despite my giving my specialty pharmacy information to the office to order my IVIg, they chose to send the order to columbia pharmacy.  I was told that I would be fine because I am preauthorized and that they are contracted through columbia.  Well, now my EOB is stating that I may owe $4600+.  When I discussed this with insurance, it turns out that the charge is because Columbia is out of network.  The insurance company isn't happy w the dr office, but they are working to hopefully approve it as a one time thing.  Its such a headache.  I had to fight to get my preauthorization, now I'm stuck making sure everyone is doing their jobs.  The order if finally at the correct pharmacy so it is what it is.  The Drs office doesn't seem to care that they made a huge mistake though.  It makes it difficult to trust them.  That paired with the inconsistent communication is enough to make me want to leave.  I do plan to consult with a high risk OB/MFM so hopefully I can transition some of their care to the MFM and limit my time w KK.  I'm thankful they were able to play a part in this pregnancy, but at what point can I stop being under a microscope?
  Now that we've got 2 healthy heartbeats, we told our parents, siblings and grandparents.  For the most part, everyone was surprised and thrilled.  My grandma wasn't as excited as I hoped but that might just be her.  I also found out that DHs best friend's wife is due with #2 about 3 weeks before us, so we finally told them.  I also told my boss.  I hadn't wanted to tell her so early, but with the SCH and the need for restricted activity I needed her to talk to the assistant managers for me so I don't get crazy heavy assignments.  She was thrilled for me and even gave me a hug.  All in all, not too bad. 

Go Big or Go Home

  It's been awhile since I wrote.  I didn't mean for that to happen, but work has been kinda nuts.  I'll try harder, I promise.  Today marks 6w!  Every single day is the most pregnant I've ever been.  So far, things are going good.  I'm occasionally nauseous but haven't gotten sick, boobs are sore and feeling kinda huge today, nothing I can't handle.  I started getting ultrasounds this week too.

  My first appointment was on Wednesday with Dr. KKs office.  As soon as I got there, I was taken back by the same person that did my original scan with my preliminary work up.  I didn't care for her much then and I still dont.  We ended up doing the scan in what looked like her personal office.  there was a curtain set up near her filing cabinet for my "privacy," if you could call it that.  She puts my information in the computer and asked me questions about the cycle.  Apparently she hadn't read my chart.  I told her I was 5w5d and she proceeds to argue with me that I'm really 5w based on some calculation she was doing.  Um no, my ER was on 7/19, that makes me 5w5d.  She also put in a fake LMP for me for July.  I haven't had a period since June.  I let it go, but i was so frustrated.  Anyways, she started the scan by checking my cervix.  Nice and long at 4 cm.  yay.  then she starts looking.  We find one sac with a yolk sac, so she measures it.  Then she continues to look, and we found another sac with a yolk sac!  Thats right!  TWINS!!  She measures that one and tells me that twin B is measuring smaller than twin A.  Okay, well that can happen.  She proceeds to tell me that B might not continue to grow.  Talk about pulling the rug out from under me.  I just learned I'm having twins, and now youre telling me that I might lose one?!  I was so upset.  I told her I know that's a possibility.  She continued the scan and at at least 4 points in the scan she felt the need to remind me B might not make it.  I wanted to scream at her.  I get it!  I'm aware I might not get ANY babies.  Instead, I just shut down.  Thankfully she finished the scan.  I wanted to run out of that room.  She didn't even offer me a picture, and acted inconvenienced that I asked for one.
  I went to the MA next, who drew a bunch of labwork.  Some results have already come back and are good.  The NP met with me after that.  We talked for a long time about the plan now.  I feel confident in it.  She told me my blood flow to both babies is in the normal range and that everything looks good.  Twin B measured 2 days behind, but she said that was okay.  We are more looking at growth from week to week.  I will continue to see them weekly through first trimester.  On a side note, I emailed the NP today and asked if I can set up who I have my u/s with and explained the situation.  I hope she doesnt think Im just some crazy lady and I'm not trying to get anyone in trouble.  I just think she needs more sensitivity.  Chances are if shes doing things like that to me, shes doing it to other people too and that's not right.

  The appt with the RE today went much better.  My favorite nurse did my scan and DH could be there.  Both lil ones are there, we see a fetal pole in B now and we even saw a flicker of a heartbeat  in A.  I'm so in love.  The RE was there, and touched base as to what Dr. KKs plans are.  He seems okay with everything.  When I had come out of the room after getting redressed, the RE said congrats and gave me a hug.  It was slightly akward so I cracked a joke about how it only took a year to get the warm fuzzys from him.  My nurse hugged me too.  I'll stay with them until close to 9-10 weeks.  I'll be sad to leave them.
  We still haven't told our families.  DH wanted to wait till we have heartbeats.  Since B is being pokey, that means not yet.  I still can't figure out how to do it.  I want to do something big, but DH is like "why can't we just tell them?"  Men. ha ha ha.   

Transitions

  Hi all!  Things have been going well.  Still settling into the idea that I'm pregnant, but every day it gets more real.  I've been thinking a lot about how to transition this blog.  I know that a lot of my readers are still dealing with IF themselves and therefor hearing the details of my pregnancy might be hard.  I don't want to hurt anyone.  However, I'd also like to believe that because of our journey that maybe it'd be different. 
  Today is 4w5d.  I officially have one week till my first ultrasound.  The RI is doing weekly ones so I'll actually have that one done before I have the "official" one done with the RE.  This caused a scheduling snag for us.  I really wanted DH to be at the one with the RE, since there's a chance we may hear heartbeat(s).  So we opted for one at 7:30 am and he will go to work late.  Thats a week from Fri.  The RI is over an hour away, so for DH to come with for that one would be more difficult.  I also am not sure if they let the husbands in the room.  I know they didn't for the pre pregnancy ultrasounds.  So I'm going to that one alone.  Which kinda sucks since I'll be finding out how many embryos took all by myself.  My plan to turn that into something positive is that I will be getting something special for DH to tell him.  I'm thinking 1 or 2 onsies depending on how many babies.  I have a week to think about it. 
  We still haven't told family.  One of my aunts knows but only because I needed her to do my PIO the other night.  I think we're going to wait till after we hear heartbeat(s).  DH is being very reserved about telling people.  While part of me tends to agree, it's hard to keep quiet.  I know that the world will know once my mom knows though.  And I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.  I think a part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I just need to get to next week. 

Beta #2

I'm too excited to come up with something clever to name this post.  Our second beta is 829!  The RE was very happy with that number and has said I don't need any more betas.  He scheduled our first ultrasound for 8/16!  We'll get to see what's going on in there!  I still can't believe this is happening.

I finally heard back from the RI's office.  I was slightly disappointed that they didn't even say congrats.  They did email me the recommendations now, some of which I think are slightly over the top.  This is what was emailed to me:

Recommendations:
a. Bhcg on Monday, Wednesday and Friday until heartbeat on ultrasound
b. Progesterone and estradiol levels weekly
c. CBC, Aptt, and Chemistry panel monthly
d. TSH, FT3 and FT4 weekly for 8 weeks
e. Ultrasound at our clinic for blood flow weekly
d. Increase prednisone to 10 mg three times daily
f. IVIG if possible
g. Repeat NK and Cytokines in one week with APA, ANA and DNA antibodies



I can tell you right now I am not having betas drawn for the next 1.5 weeks.  There is nothing they would do if something changed.  I was able to talk them into drawing the first round of all that labwork next week when I come for my first u/s with them.  I'll do more IVIg but I'll have to wait until Im a month out from the previous dose so my insurance will pay for it.  I knew there would be a lot more monitoring, but Im still surprised how closely they are watching me.  I should be happy, since this is what it took to get here in the first place.


I had breakfast with my mom today after my lab draw.  I didn't tell her I'm pregnant.  Let me tell you, hardest thing ever!  I think we want to wait till we have an idea what's going on/heartbeat(s) etc so we feel safer telling family.  I have no idea how Im going to keep this secret.

Shock

  I am in complete shock.  Yesterday was by far the longest day of my life.  The RE didn't call until after 5 with our beta results.  You might want to sit down for this.  Beta #1 is 335!!!  I am officially pregnant.  As he gave me the number, I yelled holy shit! and started sobbing.  Then I had to stop and ask him what's next.  I am in completely unknown territory now.  My progesterone came back at 59.79 and Estradiol is 599.  He told me all those numbers look good and that's a strong first beta.  I go back on Monday for beta #2, and then again in 2 weeks for an ultrasound.  I'm not sure if it's sunk in yet. 

   I finally asked DH for all my hpts back.  I lasted until this morning, but I just needed to see the two lines.  So I took a FRER and both lines popped up immediately, so I took an interned cheapie.  again, immediate.  So I caved an took a digital.  Just to be sure. :)  I've never seen anything more beautiful in my life. 

   Needless to say, we aren't telling anyone yet.  Well, I shouldn't say anyone.  A few of my in real life friends that went through IF knew I was having my beta drawn.  There's no way I can lie about that to them.  I want to wait until at least after the ultrasound, possibly closer to 12 weeks.  We've just tried for this for so long that I want to be able to enjoy it with DH first, before everyone else gets involved. 

   It's difficult to turn off the IF part of my brain.  I have a million thoughts all at once.  One of the biggest thoughts is how to I handle this with my IF friends?  Granted, I know that if the roles were reversed, I would be happy for them, but a part of me would be sad for me.  I don't want my friends to hurt over something that's so happy.  However, I know it's not that simple as an infertile.  I don't want to lose the friendships I've gained through the process but I don't want to be in their faces either.  (granted, I'm chubby, so it'll be awhile before I have a bump)I am in uncharted territory for sure.  I just hope my friends still fighting know how much I love and support them and I will do whatever they need to me to.

B-Day

   Nope, it's not my birthday.  That was in May.  Today is Beta day.  I can proudly admit that I have not POAS once this cycle so today's results are a complete surprise.  I honestly don't know which way I think it'll go.  I can picture it both ways.  Part of my brain is already thinking that it's not the end of the world because we have frozen embryos now, unlike our previous cycles.  Am I doing that to protect myself?  possibly.  Am I afraid it'll still hurt to fail? Absolutely.  Am I afraid I'll never get pregnant?  Definitely.  On the other hand, I can imagine getting a positive result.  Sobbing tears of joy instead of pain.  I want that so badly.  
   Wednesday I was in rough shape.  I had myself convinced that it didn't work.  I'd like to think that it was all due to the amount of hormones I'm still on.  Maybe that progesterone finally caught up?  It all came out while DH gave me my PIO that evening.  My hips are starting to get really sore, so when he stuck me, it really hurt.  And I started sobbing.  I felt horrible that I couldn't control it.  He was so understanding though.  I don't know what I'd do without him.  Yesterday and today are better.  I just keep reminding myself that we have done everything possible for this cycle.  If I'm not pregnant, it's not for lack of trying.
  Since we have been doing everything differently this cycle, today was no exception.  I'm off work today.  Our previous cycles I worked the day of beta (BIG MISTAKE.)  I had a hard time falling asleep last night, even with taking the extra 400 mg of progesterone at bedtime.  I woke up with DH's alarm, took my synthroid, crinone and changed my estrogen patch and went back to bed.  I've been having dreams of positive betas, and of camping out in my RE's office until we got results.  I woke up a little after 7 and it was downpouring so I just laid in bed a listened to it.  There's always been something soothing to me about listening to the rain.  However, then the power went out.  And it remained out until 10 am.  This meant brushing my teeth with a bottle of water, doing my best not to look like I just rolled out of bed, and opening the garage door manually (which is not easy when you're on'y 5 foot 2).  I made it to the appt early and got my blood drawn right away.  The nurse told me the RE is in 2 offices today, so not to expect a call till later today.  So now I wait.
   I have taken today to be good to me.  I soaked in the bathtub for a little bit with some guided imagery and a wonderful smelling bath bomb from lush.   I folded the laundry and put it away, had some lunch, painted my toes.  I'm just trying to be good to me today.  DH is coming home from work early today so he can be here when the RE calls.  Thats something we haven't done before.  I've always gotten the phone call at work and had to break the news to him.  Hopefully we are celebrating instead of grieving.
  DH said something interesting to me today that got me thinking.  Before he left for work, he told me it was raining and that it was a sign of good luck.  He's referring to our wedding day.  It monsooned on our wedding day.  We got just enough of a window to get some outside photos done, but started to downpour on our way back to the limo.  But the rain didn't ruin our day.  It just gave us a memory and some pretty great photos.  So the rain wont ruin today either.  Maybe this is a sign.