Is Third Time really a Charm?

     Alright folks.  I know I am guilty of posting and running yesterday.  I'm back now and want to talk about this horrible funk of a mood I'm in.  I want to believe this is how the jitters are coming out for this cycle.  It just feels different.  All of our cycles have been important, but somehow this one feels like the ultimate cycle.  I think that partially comes from the stress of knowing that our insurance limits how many times we try IVF for our first baby.  Illinois mandates that we get 6 attempts at fresh cycles.  However, it is also broken into 4 for the first baby.  If you don't achieve that, then you don't get the other 2.  I know I shouldn't complain about that, many people dont have any infertility coverage.  I am incredibly grateful for the coverage we have.  But it also puts a lot of stress on this cycle.  If it doesn't work, assuming we have no frosties, what do we do?  Change REs, try one last time with my eggs?  Or do we move on to donor eggs so that we can use the insurance benefits to cover the medical expenses of the donor?  Or do we scrap the whole idea, move toward adoption, either baby or embryo.  See why this cycle is so important? 
     The low antral follicle count (AFC) on weds didn't help.  I did look back at the other 2 previous cycles and am trying to convince myself that AFC didn't hold much water for us then.  My lowest AFC cycle yielded the most eggs, got us to blasts and a 5dt.  I've also had people on a facebook group say they got twice as many eggs as they saw at the baseline scan.  And were successful in getting pregnant.  I am praying that the lupron just really shut everything down.  I also keep trying to remind myself that it's quality, not quantity.  But lets face it, getting frosties would probably be the most amazing thing in the world to happen, aside from getting pregnant of course. 
  My therapist wants me to focus on mindfulness and staying in the moment.  I think it's fairly obvious by now that I am a crazy planner.  I want to have a plan for everything, and then backup plans too.  Infertility doesn't always allow for that.  I need to step back and be able to say to myself that I can't control everything, and it's okay that I can't.  I'm not good at that. 
  I also am starting to think hosting my brother and sister in law's baby shower might not have been a good idea.  I want to be happy and excited.  I love that I'm getting a nephew.  However, I'm starting to get the feeling that the whole thing was just expected of me.  That no one was really worried about my feelings at all.  They certainly don't ask about our process or how we are, but don't seem to mind talking at length about the pregnancy and baby.  Is it possible that infertility makes them nervous and uncomfortable?  Yes, it's very possible, but how do they think I feel listening to them talk about the baby?  It's such an odd position.  Before infertility, I never had thoughts like this.  I was so excited about pregnancies and babies.  Now, I'm just a nervous wreck. 
   Honestly, I don't know what I want from my family.  Part of me wants them super involved and supportive.  Another part of me wants to keep them in the dark.  I guess I just wish I felt like my mom supported me half as much as she's being involved in their pregnancy.  I was talking with her earlier, in an attempt to buy myself some time without talking to her while stimming (she doesn't know we're going through another cycle).  She went on and on and on about the baby and what she bought for it and how she thinks my brother will be as a father.  And all I can do is say oh, thats nice, mmhmm, okay.  She doesn't get that she needs to be more cautious with me.  That what seems like a simple conversation can actually be very hurtful.  I'm sure it's not easy to be in her position.  Somedays, it doesn't seem like she's trying very hard though.  I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but she didn't even stand up for me when my brother complained about my lack of questions about how my sister in law is feeling. 
   I started looking at adoption agencies online today.  I blame it on wanting to have a backup plan.  I just want to know what's out there.  In the process, I did find that my company will help with adoption costs up to $4,000.  So I know that's there.  I didn't tell DH that I was doing that, so I think I'll keep that info to myself for now. 
   So, in order to get my brain in the right mindset, I want to focus on all the good things we've done leading into this cycle. 
1. polypectomy- there's no way our embies would want to share their home with those polyps. 
2. Fixed thyroid-my last TSH was 0.97.  Dr Kwak wanted it less than 2 to cycle.
3. Fixed High PAI-1-Thank you metformin!
4. Eating WAY better, and stuck to low carb diet other than the couple cheat meals I had.
5. I've lost almost 40 lbs- the RE wanted me to lose 10% of my weight.  That was almost 23 lbs.  My BMI has dropped from 41 to 36. 
6. Acupuncture
7. Seeing a therapist to help better manage stress.

Im sure there are more things that belong on this list, I just can't think of them right now.  Still a pretty good list right?  So with all of this wonderful change, why am I still so nervous?  Great changes have to yield great results.  I just need to remind myself that it'll be alright in the end.  If it's not alright, then it's not the end.