The Rollercoaster......of IF!!!!!

  Okay, so maybe that doesn't fit into the turn of Love Roller coaster from Red Hot Chille Peppers.  This past week has definitely been a roller coaster though.  My last entry was on Mother's Day.  The next day, I called my RE's office and was able to go in for my CD3 labwork as well as the reconsult the RE wanted to do.  Hey, why should I have to go for 2 different appointments and pay a copay each time?  Well, I haven't seen them since March, so I felt pretty darn good about myself for having lost the weight he wanted me to and all that.  I got my labs drawn no problem ( Can I just remind you how much I love Kathy my MA) and then waited to talk to Dr. Levrant.
  In he comes, maybe 10 minutes later.  Punctuality isn't his thing.  I crack a joke about him breaking up with me for seeing the RI.  Nope, that's not why he wanted to see me.  He was actually fine with that.  He wanted to talk about my screwy cd3 labs from April.  He then proceeds to tell me that if the labwork I had drawn that day didn't improve, he would not let me use my own eggs and suggested me consider using donor eggs.  Hello ball outta left field.
  He goes on to say that if my FSH remained elevated, that he thinks I am starting to show as diminished ovarian reserve.  He has not had success with IVF with women with FSH greater than 14.3.  Mine had been around 20 in April.  He played up egg donor, saying we can use our IVF benefits to pay for the donor, except their compensation, which is-get ready- $12,000!!!!  That's a huge amount of money!  At that point, I shut down.  I stated that I should just save that money for adoption since IVF isnt guaranteed even with a donor, but adoption isn't a guarantee of getting a baby either.  Either way, I felt screwed.  Not to mention DH and I have not had the egg donor conversation.
  It all rested on the labwork.  Dr. Levrant did make me a protocol for July and I set up the appointments.  It took all I have not to start sobbing at the reception desk.  I cried all the way home and my doom and gloom thoughts kept snowballing.  How was it possible that at 28 (I'll be 29 on the 30th, though I keep saying I won't have a birthday this year), that I might not be able to have a baby that is biologically both of us?  Should we consider egg donor?  Should we adopt? How in the world would we pay for it all?
  I called my mom, which was a gamble.  She's not the most understanding, though she tries hard to be, sometimes I think it just comes out wrong.  She started to cry with me, but then went on to make it about her and how she couldn't give me an egg (creepy mom!) and how she knows how I feel (no, you dont.  You claim dad just had to look at you funny and you were pregnant.-Creepy again Mom!)  Surprisingly enough, I stood up to her.  That she didn't know how this felt.  She tried to liken it to losing my dad, which was Fabulous!  Bring up more grief while I'm trying to process this.  I got frustrated and had to go to the dentist anyways, so I ended the conversation.  I calmed down in time to get to the dentist.  They put me in the chair for my cleaning and asked if there was a possibility I was pregnant.  I started sobbing again.  I'm pretty sure they think I'm crazy.
  When DH got home from work, we talked about what was going on.  DH said if we needed to explore donor we would.  Or if I wanted to stop and think about adoption, we could do that too.  He also reassured me that we'd figure the money out, and that our parents would probably help us if we needed it.  God I love that man.
  It turns out though that we don't need to think about that quite just yet.  I called the following morning to see how the levels were.  my FSH came back down to 11.36!!  I know that's still high, but so much better than last month!  I honestly think that everything the RI is doing is contributing to the improvement.  I also got a phone call friday from Dr. Levrant himself to tell me that we ran an amh level too and that came back at 1.99 (higher than November!  although I still can't figure out how).  He officially gave me the greenlight to use my own eggs in July!!!!!
  Saturday I had more labwork drawn for my Dr. KK appt this Friday.  I have a huge horrible bruise from it and looked like a heroin addict for a family party we went to Saturday.  Funny how I can get drawn from the same vein 3 days in a row from the REs office with no bruise, yet I go to the outpatient lab and look like a junkie.  Oh well though.  If all my labwork is improving, then I can handle some bruises.  Isn't that what happens in infertility though?  You get all bruised up and broken, only to hopefully come out the other side with something wonderful to show for it.  Here's to hoping for my something wonderful.
  I've got to get going.  Today is DH's bday and I have a cake baking in the oven for him.  Take care everyone, I'll be sure to update again after my KK appt on Friday. xoxo