Wow, blogworld, this is my 50th post. Aside from the diatribe livejournal I maintained throughout my emo late teens, I'm not sure I've ever been able to keep a blog going this long. I'll continue to try not to disappoint.
Today is Mother's Day. I was supposed to work all day today, and let me tell you, I was dreading it. Being surrounded by the babies isn't so bad, as I feel like I am contributing to giving them a better life. It's the families that don't visit or my coworkers that complain about their kids or pregnancies or talk about their perfect lives so much despite knowing the infertility hell I'm in that bother me the most. Thankfully, I was cancelled for the first 8 hours of my shift, so I'll only have to keep it together for 4 hours. Then I can come back home and pretend it's not mother's day again.
I know my therapist said that just because I've never truly been pregnant, that doesn't mean I'm not a mom. That's a great idea, but it doesn't fix the emptiness I feel. If our first IVF had worked, I would be 36 weeks pregnant right now. I'd be putting finishing touches on our yellow baby room, since we would've had a shower by then. I can't help but get those ideas out of my head, which make it difficult to think it might never happen.
I am terrified that even with both the IVF plan from the RE and the protocol from the RI, I will put myself through ANYTHING to have a baby and it still might not happen. There is no guarantee I'll even have kids. There isn't even a guarantee with adoption.
On the plus side, I finally lost the 10% that the RE wanted. That makes me feel pretty darn good :)
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