Irrational fears

   Well folks, I am less than 24 hours away from surgery.  Yes I know they are not cutting my skin, but I'll be in a surgical center, under general anesthesia (meaning IV drugs and being intubated) so in my book, that's surgery.  Plus they are still cutting something out of me.  Nerves are starting to set in.  I was thankful this was my weekend to work.  I likened it to being like when I took my nursing boards right before my weekend to work so that it would keep my mind busy while I waited for what I couldn't speed up.  However, working hasnt gotten my mind off things, especially when I was cancelled from my first 8 hours today. 

   I was lucky enough to be assigned to a good set of patients in the same room as one of my friends.  I needed a day like that after they past couple weeks I've had at work.  I really haven't said anything to anyone at work about tomorrow, besides my friend I was with yesterday, my supervisor yesterday (only because I was asking for thursday & friday off), and my unit manager.  As my day progressed, I kept thinking more & more about monday.  It isn't even the huge stuff-will the polyp be cancer etc.  It's all little stuff.  I suppose I'll blame the nurse in me for a lack of control and the fact that the last time I had surgery, save for the egg retrievals and having my wisdom teeth removed, was when I was 15. 

   I've started to develop a list of irrational fears.  I think it's kinda funny, but perhaps that's the fear talking.  I'd like to share that list.
1.  I'm afraid that they'll knock my teeth out & I'll choke/swallow them while they are intubating me. 
2.  I'm afraid that I'll get the paralytic medicine and not the sedation (basically being awake but unable to move & tell them)
3.  I'm afraid I'll need a foley and that they'll put it in/take it out while Im awake.
4.  inability to get the IV on the first attempt.  I can't eat or drink after midnight, dont have to be there till 10:45 & wont be in the OR until noon.  There's a high likelyhood that I'll be dehydrated by then thus making an IV difficult.
5.  Im afraid of extreme pain.  There's just something about uterine pain that is like nothing I've ever felt before-this coming from the girl that has broken her leg 2 times and had 5 surgeries on it.
6.  Let's be honest.  I worry that this polyp could be something bad.  I know the RE said there's a less than 1% chance of that, but cmon.  I broke the same leg, same bone on two seperate occasions.  stranger things have happened.
7.  I worry it'll be worse than he thinks when he gets in there and that he might need to done something more extensive than we planned.
8.  I worry that maybe he wont let me cycle in May.
9.  Air embolism in my IV.  We can blame my friend Lisa for that one.  I wonder if they would mind if I bring them a tubing filter from work.
10. I worry that even after we do this, I still won't get pregnant.

There.  I think that's everything.  Now that they're out there for all to see, maybe I can move past these fears and work on staying focused and positive for tomorrow.

I've decided to send the newest labs to the RI's office and let them know of the new developments.  Maybe they'll tell me not to come.  I really don't know if I should go or not.

I wonder which lucky socks I should wear tomorrow.  

Change in Plans

  Yesterday was our followup appt to talk about all the testing we've been doing.  Overall it was a good appt and I feel good about our plan.  We talked about the labwork, and for the most part it was all okay.  I do not have PCOS, insulin resistance, or diabetes. The immune stuff he drew came back fine and I don't have a clotting disorder.  We got our genetic panels back as well.  It turns out I am a carrier for MTHFR gene mutation and DH actually has it or is "affected." The RE explained it as a deficiency in the ability to properly metabolize folic acid & because of that, there's a higher risk for blood clots.  So we've both received a prescription for folic acid.  He said that on the spectrum of genetic disorders, this one is relatively minor.

  We then talked about the saline sonogram from Friday.  He said that there is a polyp in there.  Then he brings out the pictures.  Now, I could've sworn on Friday he said it was "small."  Well, on the photos, it looks like it takes up my whole uterus!  Holy smokes!  No wonder my embryos don't want to stick around!  Next, we talked about what to do about it.  He gave us 3 options.  1.  do nothing 2. hysteroscopy 3. hysteroscopy & laproscopy.  Option 1 was not an option for us, so that was nixed right away.  For option 2, essentially, they put me under general anesthesia, thread a camera through my cervix and once they find what they are looking for, either snip it out, or scrape out the uterus.  It'll depend what it looks like in there.  Recovery is about 3-4 days and he would manage my pain with Toradol and Ibuprofen ( since I am allergic to codeine)  Option 3 includes option 2, but they would also do a laproscopy to look at the outside of my ute/ovaries etc.  They do this by making a few small incisions in my abdomen, put a camera through one of them and inflate the area with a little air.  If they found scar tissue or endometriosis, they could take care of it then.  Recovery would be closer to a week.

  Initially, I said we should go with option 3, because I would already be under and it'd be nice to have the piece of mind.  After talking about it with the RE and DH, we opted for option 2.  There really isn't much evidence to suggest I have endo, nor have I had abdominal trauma/surgery to think there'd be scar tissue.  My recovery will be shorter, and we still get that polyp the heck outta my ute. 

After signing the consents, the surgery scheduler got me preverified, and because I am still on the BCPs, they were able to have some flexibility with scheduling it.  I'll be having my hysteroscopy on Monday.  Yes, this monday.  I can't believe it happened so quickly! 

The RE wants a cycle inbetween having this done and the IVF cycle, so it looks like I'll be cycling in May.  I'm okay with that.  I emailed my boss today and gave back the time off for april and asked about time for May.  Im not worried about that though.  My work for the most part has been fantastic. 

  I bet you're thinking, wait a minute.  Doesn't she have that RI appt next tuesday?  Well, I did.  I thought I probably wouldnt want an ultrasound the day after the ute scraping, so I called & rescheduled it for March 27th.  However, I'm not sure if I will keep it or not since all the immune stuff so far has been okay.  The problem might have been the polyp, not my immune system, ya know?  Maybe I'll send them my new labs & see what they think. 

Wish me luck!

Rough day thoughts

Today's been a rough day.  Mostly because of work, hence the lack of details.  It just made me think that even if I do get pregnant, I doubt I'll ever feel safe.  I'll always be waiting for something to happen.  Granted, that's all I feel like I'm doing now.  Waiting.

The hits just keep on commin

I had my saline sonogram today (SIS or SHG depending on what other REs call it).  Basically, they use a catheter, go through my cervix and fill the uterus with fluid.  This is done to look as the shape, as well as to see if anything else could being going on in there (polyps, fibroids etc).  When you do a notmal ultrasound, the uterus is like a deflated balloon, so you can't really see if anythings growing in there.  When you fill it with saline, anything growing floats away from the uterine wall. 

I was told this test was similar to the HSG (hysterosalpingogram-where they instill dye through a catheter to check the patency of your fallopian tubes) but is less uncomfortable.  Knowing this, immediately I was nervous.  I fall into a small group of women that have really bad experiences with the HSG.  When I had mine done, I cramped so badly when they put the catheter in that I could not straighten my legs.  I made sure to take a lot of ibuprofen about a half an hour before the test this time.  My poor Liver must hate me.  First, the tech did a regular ole transvag u/s.  Then came part 2.  My RE came in and put in the speculum, cleaned my cervix and got going.  I will say, I had some of the same cramping, it just wasnt as intense.  I could feel him inflating the balloon, speculum comes out, then the u/s probe goes back in.  I'd have cramping with the manipulation of the catheter, but then it would subside.  It felt like he was looking at things forever.  The whole test lasted maybe 30-40min.  When they were done, I got to get dressed and meet him outside the room.

The RE told me to make an appt to come talk to him about the results.  I told him that was making me nervous.  He said that he saw a polyp and that we should take care of it before going further.  When I asked him if I would still probably be okay to cycle with April, he said probably not.  On the plus side, he told me all my labwork so far has come back okay (except my cholesterol's a little high).  I made an appt to see him wednesday to talk about our options.  When I got to the car, I cried.  Partially because I don't feel well from the test, partially because I feel like this is a setback.  I had everything arranged at work finally to make this cycle work.  But the more I think about it, it's good that we caught this.  If this damn polyp is the reason why I'm not getting pregnant, then I need it out like yesterday!  Maybe it's all supposed to work out this way.  I have my RI appt on March 5th.  maybe between that & the polyp, we'll have a super strong plan when it's time to cycle again.  At least maybe we're finding answers.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming

Okay, I'll admit I took the news of my brother's baby pretty rough last night.  I've had some time (and a good workout & a half of a bottle of wine) to think about it.  I've had the following thoughts. 
1.  It's not their fault that I can't have a baby without some kind of medical intervention.
2.  I am excited to be an aunt.
3.  It won't matter if they take "my" baby names, because we will still use them.
4.  I'm not looking forward to dealing with his mother in law. 
5.  At least my brother and I can switch off babysitting each other's kids, since we both work 12 hr shifts.
6.  My mom is going to be too much to handle, so I need to be careful.
7.  I am glad that they aren't having to deal with infertility as well.  I was really worried about that. 

Don't get me wrong, there is a part of me that is still sad and bitter.  I am just trying to keep her on a leash.  If anything, it's a huge motivator to get my butt back in the gym.  I took a break, since I was sick and didn't feel up to doing much.  Now, I'm thinking that if lowering my BMI will increase my chances, I have to do it.  I know it's been awhile, so here is a check in on the weight situation.

Starting weight: 228.5
Starting BMI:41.8

Weight today: 215
BMI today: 39.3

Total lbs lost: 13.5
Change in BMI:-2.5

I'm still 52 lbs away from getting my BMI out of the Obese range.  I don't think that's obtainable in the time before our next IVF, but the more I can lose the better anyways.  I'd like to be under 200 by the time of the cycle.  That is obtainable I think.

I started birth control pills today.  It's still funny to think I need to take BCPs to get pregnant.  I also started all my vitamins again.  The saline sonogram is on Friday.  I'm still nervous, but I'll suck it up.  I have every intention of telling my RE on Friday that he needs to step up his game now that my brother's wife is pregnant.  Hopefully some of my labwork will be back by then too.  I want to make myself perfectly clear to him that I want to do everything we possibly can.  Balls to the Wall baby!

straight outta left field.....

Having infertility should come with super powers.  If I can't have a child, I should at least get some kind of badass super power to make up for it.  Right about now I'd kill to be able to predict the future.  I was driving home tonight after a long, trying day at work when my phone rang.  It was my sister in law.  I should have been tipped off right there cause she doesn't really call me a whole lot.  She was calling to let me know I'm going to be an auntie in October.  I swear I almost crashed the car.  All of a sudden, I didn't know what to do.  It felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs.  A million thoughts flooded my mind at once.  "October?  how many weeks does that make her?" "I thought they were waiting like 5 years"and of course the inevitable..."why?"

I held it together pretty well while talking to her, but then she handed the phone to my brother.  My strength failed me and I started crying.  I congratulated him, calling him "daddy."  We ended the phone call and all I could do was sob.  I feel like the worlds worst sister, because even though Im happy for them, in the back of my mind, I'm throwing myself a huge pity party.  I am angry that I have to deal with IF and that it is robbing me of such a joyful event.  I am scared that my next IVF will fail again and that I will never have children.  But I am also relieved that my brother and sister in law do not have to fight this fight too.  My brother had a testicular torsion when he was younger, so I worried IF was in his future too.  For that I am thankful. 

I think I need to get a cape for my next IVF cycle.  

an Update

Friday I went in for my quarterly blood letting.  9 vials of blood.  Yuck!  Now I wait for results.  My saline ultrasound is on Friday and I am starting to get nervous.  I know they told me it won't be as bad as my HSG, but part of me is still dreading it. 

On the plus side, I finally got my protocol and dates.  It finally feels real.  I start BCPs on Wednesday, Lupron (20 units) on 3/10, Baseline is 3/22 and stims start 3/23 as well as decreasing my lupron dose.  I'll be back on the baby aspirin too (we'll see about heparin once we know if I have a clotting disorder).  I do get steroids this cycle too (prednisone).  The nurse in me was very happy to see there is a tapered dosing schedule for it too.  I'll start w 10 mg daily through stims, then after retrieval it increases to 3x a day for a week.  then I taper off.  Very safe way to manage the steroids.  I also get my standard estrogen patches, crinone, doxycycline and valium. 

I'm still planning to see Dr Kwak-Kim on 3/5.  I am worried about the cost, but it's better than not knowing/missing something.  I am just hoping I have my lab results by then so we don't have to double draw. 

I've been really bitter lately and I want to blame the fact that I got my period and got sick all at the same time.  Talk about stress on the body!  One good thing that is coming out of it is that I am learning to be a little selfish and not worry so much about making everyone else happy.  I know my limits and have been sticking to them instead of putting on the brave face and suffering in silence. 

I need to go stock up on my vitamins now that my labs are drawn.  I also want to set up an appt for acupuncture and possibly find a therapist that specializes in infertility.  I also need to get my butt back in the gym and restart tracking my calorie intake.  I've fallen off since getting sick, but on the plus side, I haven't regained anything I've lost.  Once my nose stops running like a faucet, I'll start working out again.  It's Go time!!!