That's what I said at work on Saturday. The shots have begun! I started Lupron this past Saturday. I was a little apprehensive about side effects. I've been told by others to expect killer headaches and hot flashes. So far, I've had one hot flash and it wasn't too bad. Not compared to when I was on clomid at least. Today is also the last day of birth control pills. Lupron's job, like birth control, is to shut down my natural hormone cycle. I'll be on this for 2 weeks approximately before I start my stimulation meds.
I've seen on other people's blogs that sometimes they get some nasty bruises with lupron. So far my belly looks fine but I've gotten random HORRIBLE bruises in random spots on my arms and legs. I'm talking bigger than a half dollar on the insides on my calves and thighs. I don't remember hitting them on anything, but they're big, dark and have big bumps under them. Painful too. Best I can guess is that maybe it's a combo of the baby aspirin and fish oil. I can only guess how bad it'll look once I start lovenox. Maybe I should invest in some maxi skirts.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Bullied
Yep. That's how I feel lately. As you can probably remember, I have been limiting communication with my mom because of her insensitivity and less than ideal support. Yes, I know I sound pretty harsh, but if it doesn't seem like she's looking out for me, then I have to look out for me. I've been thinking a lot about my brother and sister in law and their pregnancy. I'll admit, I took it really hard when they announced their pregnancy. And yes, I've been more distant than I should have been. But I also feel that I will come around once I can. And I've started to. What my family doesn't seem to understand is that I need time. It's had enough to cope with my own feelings about our situation, but then to deal with something like that on top of it takes time.
My mom was bullying me a lot about throwing them a shower. And while initially I stood up for myself and said that I'd help with what I could but couldnt guarantee that I would be able to go. That didn't go over well. I was accused of not supporting my family, which is total crap. I love them to death and love my new nephew. However, how much pain is one infertile supposed to bear?
So, in my own way, I've started to allow myself to think about their shower, and even get a little excited about it. In the interest of keeping my family from being upset wit me, I've caved and said I'll cohost and it can be at our home. Some days I think I've completely lost it. I suppose part of my brain has convinced me that if I throw it in my home, I can control how everything happens and worst case scenario is that I can find plenty of hosting duties to keep me busy. Maybe part of me is hoping karma will pay off.
I know that this is life. I can't control who gets pregnant or that I can't. I just wish that the people closest to me could understand the sensitivity I need. My mom acted like it was no big deal that I said sure, lets have it at my house. My brother and sister in law seem to expect it.
My husband and I had dinner with my brother and sister in law last week to celebrate all of our birthdays (we're all in May). It's the first time I've seen her bump. I tried my best to prepare for it. I can proudly say that I kept it together pretty well, although I'll admit I know I stared at it more that I should have. The conversations started slightly awkward but warmed up later on. Lots of talking about the pregnancy and my nephew to be. Not once did they bother to ask about our issues. That hurt. I had gotten wind that my brother complained to our mom after a lunch date we had a couple months ago. I had talked a lot about IVF and reproductive immunology, our plan. Apparently it bothered my brother that I didn't ask his wife how she was feeling. I wasn't ready yet. I wonder how he thinks I feel that they didn't bother to give it a second thought.
I'm trying not to stress about it. They will never understand this journey and this pain. I'm still thankful it happened so easy for them. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
My mom was bullying me a lot about throwing them a shower. And while initially I stood up for myself and said that I'd help with what I could but couldnt guarantee that I would be able to go. That didn't go over well. I was accused of not supporting my family, which is total crap. I love them to death and love my new nephew. However, how much pain is one infertile supposed to bear?
So, in my own way, I've started to allow myself to think about their shower, and even get a little excited about it. In the interest of keeping my family from being upset wit me, I've caved and said I'll cohost and it can be at our home. Some days I think I've completely lost it. I suppose part of my brain has convinced me that if I throw it in my home, I can control how everything happens and worst case scenario is that I can find plenty of hosting duties to keep me busy. Maybe part of me is hoping karma will pay off.
I know that this is life. I can't control who gets pregnant or that I can't. I just wish that the people closest to me could understand the sensitivity I need. My mom acted like it was no big deal that I said sure, lets have it at my house. My brother and sister in law seem to expect it.
My husband and I had dinner with my brother and sister in law last week to celebrate all of our birthdays (we're all in May). It's the first time I've seen her bump. I tried my best to prepare for it. I can proudly say that I kept it together pretty well, although I'll admit I know I stared at it more that I should have. The conversations started slightly awkward but warmed up later on. Lots of talking about the pregnancy and my nephew to be. Not once did they bother to ask about our issues. That hurt. I had gotten wind that my brother complained to our mom after a lunch date we had a couple months ago. I had talked a lot about IVF and reproductive immunology, our plan. Apparently it bothered my brother that I didn't ask his wife how she was feeling. I wasn't ready yet. I wonder how he thinks I feel that they didn't bother to give it a second thought.
I'm trying not to stress about it. They will never understand this journey and this pain. I'm still thankful it happened so easy for them. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
An update
Since my last entry had a theme, I wanted to write a separate entry with an update. I emailed my RI's office yesterday since I hadn't heard about the thyroid labs we drew last week. Well, it turns out that after being on synthroid since April, my thyroid levels are all normal! TSH came back at 0.97! They wanted it less than 2 to do our cycle. The free T3 & T4 were normal as well. It helps me believe that it really is okay to cycle. I've been cautious this time. I was afraid to join a cycle group on theBump. Every time I do, I get cancelled. I have no lab draws until I go for baseline in a few weeks. This is really happening!
Now is the time to get my game plan together. The med protocols are set and I have all the meds (minus the doxycycline-I still need my script for that). My therapist has decided to schedule me a couple appts instead of just going appt to appt. She wants us to work on relaxation. I'm thanful she knows what I need. My acupuncturist also knows what the plan is so we can start the IVF protocol. I even am stocked up on bath bombs to relax myself.
I've managed to slightly destress myself at work this summer too. I have my first nurse extern. She is a senior nursing student and will be with me all summer. She does the hands on part of my job and I teach her all about NICU nursing. I love her and she's wonderful. Should prove to be beneficial once I'm on lifting restrictions after the ET too.
Now if I could only get my game face on for these PIO shots.
Now is the time to get my game plan together. The med protocols are set and I have all the meds (minus the doxycycline-I still need my script for that). My therapist has decided to schedule me a couple appts instead of just going appt to appt. She wants us to work on relaxation. I'm thanful she knows what I need. My acupuncturist also knows what the plan is so we can start the IVF protocol. I even am stocked up on bath bombs to relax myself.
I've managed to slightly destress myself at work this summer too. I have my first nurse extern. She is a senior nursing student and will be with me all summer. She does the hands on part of my job and I teach her all about NICU nursing. I love her and she's wonderful. Should prove to be beneficial once I'm on lifting restrictions after the ET too.
Now if I could only get my game face on for these PIO shots.
Boundries
Bear with me, this might get long.
That was the theme of my last therapy session. I have a hard time setting boundries. Especially where my family is concerned. I blame the loss of my dad for a lot of it. Like I need to make up for it or something even though I know I can't. I feel a lot of responsibility towards my mom. Making sure she's alright, has somewhere to go for holidays etc. We'll blame that on being the oldest and her only girl.
When if comes to our infertility, initially I didn't tell my mom. I waited till we had had some testing, but when I started meds, I told her. She immediately started crying and didn't understand how I couldn't get pregnant since she had no difficulties. It was then that I realized I needed to maintain some distance with her. I wanted the mom that was 100% interested and supportive and she seems to get too caught up in her own pains to be able to be subjective. I told her we moved to IUI, and explained how that worked, but not much else.
When we moved to IVF, again, I told her the plan. I tried to explain how it worked and how big of a deal it was. Again, I'm not sure how much she completely understood. I wanted her involved. I needed that cheerleader. I gave her some details as we moved through the process. Then, while I was in the 2ww, she began to ask when I would know if it worked. I tried to explain to her that I would tell her when I was ready. You would think that would be enough. Nope. She got mad I wouldn't tell her. I tried to explain that I am trying to maintain a sense of normalcy. I wanted to be able to announce to the family when I was pregnant and enjoy the excitement and grandure that goes with it. After that, I made the decision to pick and choose what I tell her. She knew we got twice as many eggs with our 2nd IVF, that it didn't work, and that we asked for more testing.
When the extra testing came around, she tried to be more involved. She understood testing for insulin resistance because I have diabetic family members. She was thrilled when we found the polyp (that sounds strange right? I was thrilled too) and shared the thought that it could have been the root of the problem. I've told her I have a 2nd specialist helping our case and she's found things to fix, but she didn't really ask for details there.
Lately, our talking has been at a minimum. She's talked for awhile about doing a baby shower for my brother and sister in law. All along, I've said I would help but not host. I love my brother and his wife, and am thrilled for them to have their son. When the RE dropped the bomb that he might not allow us to use my eggs for the next IVF, I called my mom sobbing. I didn't know what else to do. We talked about it for awhile, but she ultimately changed the topic of conversation to the baby shower.
At that point, I was very honest and told her I would help with what I can, but I can't make any guarantees that I will be able to go. I have no idea what will be happening with us at that time and I might not be okay to go. She didn't even try to understand. I have never backed out of anything for someone else based on my own feelings. I tried to explain that it's not that I want to just get out of it. Emotionally, I don't know if I can hold it together. I don't want to take away from their day. She seemed to maybe understand, so we left it at that. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, she brings the shower back up. I stand my ground and again explain my position. This time, she gets mad at me stating that she thought we supported people in this family. I calmly explain that I do support them, but while I'm busy supporting them and putting myself into a painful situation, who is supporting me? She couldn't answer that. I told her she was being very rude and insensitive to me. She apologized for that, but I'm not sure she understands why Im hurt.
Our conversations have been kept to a minimum since then. She sent cards for my birthday and anniversary and text me, which is not usual. That hurt too. Part of me wishes she could just understand for a second what this is like. But part of me is so glad she and my dad, and my brother and sister in law don't have to experience this. I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. I don't understand why she and I have to have such a strange relationship. I just want my mom to take interest in what I'm going through, ask appropriate questions and know what her boundries should be. I've thought about bringing her to my appts, so she can see first hand what I go through. But then I think that's a bad idea and drop the idea. I wish things could be simple. Then again, I wish that we could just get pregnant on our own.
That was the theme of my last therapy session. I have a hard time setting boundries. Especially where my family is concerned. I blame the loss of my dad for a lot of it. Like I need to make up for it or something even though I know I can't. I feel a lot of responsibility towards my mom. Making sure she's alright, has somewhere to go for holidays etc. We'll blame that on being the oldest and her only girl.
When if comes to our infertility, initially I didn't tell my mom. I waited till we had had some testing, but when I started meds, I told her. She immediately started crying and didn't understand how I couldn't get pregnant since she had no difficulties. It was then that I realized I needed to maintain some distance with her. I wanted the mom that was 100% interested and supportive and she seems to get too caught up in her own pains to be able to be subjective. I told her we moved to IUI, and explained how that worked, but not much else.
When we moved to IVF, again, I told her the plan. I tried to explain how it worked and how big of a deal it was. Again, I'm not sure how much she completely understood. I wanted her involved. I needed that cheerleader. I gave her some details as we moved through the process. Then, while I was in the 2ww, she began to ask when I would know if it worked. I tried to explain to her that I would tell her when I was ready. You would think that would be enough. Nope. She got mad I wouldn't tell her. I tried to explain that I am trying to maintain a sense of normalcy. I wanted to be able to announce to the family when I was pregnant and enjoy the excitement and grandure that goes with it. After that, I made the decision to pick and choose what I tell her. She knew we got twice as many eggs with our 2nd IVF, that it didn't work, and that we asked for more testing.
When the extra testing came around, she tried to be more involved. She understood testing for insulin resistance because I have diabetic family members. She was thrilled when we found the polyp (that sounds strange right? I was thrilled too) and shared the thought that it could have been the root of the problem. I've told her I have a 2nd specialist helping our case and she's found things to fix, but she didn't really ask for details there.
Lately, our talking has been at a minimum. She's talked for awhile about doing a baby shower for my brother and sister in law. All along, I've said I would help but not host. I love my brother and his wife, and am thrilled for them to have their son. When the RE dropped the bomb that he might not allow us to use my eggs for the next IVF, I called my mom sobbing. I didn't know what else to do. We talked about it for awhile, but she ultimately changed the topic of conversation to the baby shower.
At that point, I was very honest and told her I would help with what I can, but I can't make any guarantees that I will be able to go. I have no idea what will be happening with us at that time and I might not be okay to go. She didn't even try to understand. I have never backed out of anything for someone else based on my own feelings. I tried to explain that it's not that I want to just get out of it. Emotionally, I don't know if I can hold it together. I don't want to take away from their day. She seemed to maybe understand, so we left it at that. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, she brings the shower back up. I stand my ground and again explain my position. This time, she gets mad at me stating that she thought we supported people in this family. I calmly explain that I do support them, but while I'm busy supporting them and putting myself into a painful situation, who is supporting me? She couldn't answer that. I told her she was being very rude and insensitive to me. She apologized for that, but I'm not sure she understands why Im hurt.
Our conversations have been kept to a minimum since then. She sent cards for my birthday and anniversary and text me, which is not usual. That hurt too. Part of me wishes she could just understand for a second what this is like. But part of me is so glad she and my dad, and my brother and sister in law don't have to experience this. I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. I don't understand why she and I have to have such a strange relationship. I just want my mom to take interest in what I'm going through, ask appropriate questions and know what her boundries should be. I've thought about bringing her to my appts, so she can see first hand what I go through. But then I think that's a bad idea and drop the idea. I wish things could be simple. Then again, I wish that we could just get pregnant on our own.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Putting on my game face
Alright. I'm a little apprehensive to say it out loud, but it looks like the IVF cycle will really happen this time. I know I said I'd give my schedule a few posts back, so my life (minus work/family plans) revolves around this:
Now through 6/24:
Synthroid first thing in the morning. BCP, fish oil, metanx, prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin, vitamin E&D with lunch. Metformin after dinner. All meds except BCP will continue throughout cycle
6/19 add prednisone to the lunch mix (or possibly late morning)
6/22 start 20 units of lupron/day
7/3 baseline labs and u/s with RE, NK cells, cytokines lab draw with RI (pending results of RI labwork, either continue prednisone if labs are okay, or schedule IVIg infusions if levels are still elevated)
7/6 start stims (225 IU menopur, 150 IU of follistim-I think, I'll have to double check the follistim dose)
7/8 start lovenox injections
7/10,12, 13, 15- Monitoring with RE (labs and ultrasound)
7/12 ultrasound with RI-doppler study to check uterine/ovarian bloodflow. adjust lovenox as needed pending results.
Projected ER date is 7/17, hopefully followed by a 5dt and some frosties.
I'm also still on once a week acupuncture sessions. Once I start stims, that increases to twice a week. We'll also do a session before and after ET. I plotted out my med schedule/appts in a chart, like I usually do to keep track of everything. It spanned 4 pages, and that's only through 7/17. After the ER, I'll start PIO injections (eek!) and crinone, plus estrogen patches. Soon I'll be more meds than person. God I hope this works.
Now through 6/24:
Synthroid first thing in the morning. BCP, fish oil, metanx, prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin, vitamin E&D with lunch. Metformin after dinner. All meds except BCP will continue throughout cycle
6/19 add prednisone to the lunch mix (or possibly late morning)
6/22 start 20 units of lupron/day
7/3 baseline labs and u/s with RE, NK cells, cytokines lab draw with RI (pending results of RI labwork, either continue prednisone if labs are okay, or schedule IVIg infusions if levels are still elevated)
7/6 start stims (225 IU menopur, 150 IU of follistim-I think, I'll have to double check the follistim dose)
7/8 start lovenox injections
7/10,12, 13, 15- Monitoring with RE (labs and ultrasound)
7/12 ultrasound with RI-doppler study to check uterine/ovarian bloodflow. adjust lovenox as needed pending results.
Projected ER date is 7/17, hopefully followed by a 5dt and some frosties.
I'm also still on once a week acupuncture sessions. Once I start stims, that increases to twice a week. We'll also do a session before and after ET. I plotted out my med schedule/appts in a chart, like I usually do to keep track of everything. It spanned 4 pages, and that's only through 7/17. After the ER, I'll start PIO injections (eek!) and crinone, plus estrogen patches. Soon I'll be more meds than person. God I hope this works.
Friday, June 7, 2013
The big box of fun
Look what came today! This is really happening! I have lovenox, menopur, follistim, lupron, crinone, vivelle, hcg, Valium, and pio. Plus enough syringes and needles to make anyone squirmish. Not pictured is doxycycline, prednisone, vitamins d, e, and a prenatal, fish oil, metanx, baby aspirin, and metformin. All of this will hopefully get us our baby. I'm excited and terrified at the same time.
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