Bullied

  Yep.  That's how I feel lately.  As you can probably remember, I have been limiting communication with my mom because of her insensitivity and less than ideal support.  Yes, I know I sound pretty harsh, but if it doesn't seem like she's looking out for me, then I have to look out for me.  I've been thinking a lot about my brother and sister in law and their pregnancy.  I'll admit, I took it really hard when they announced their pregnancy.  And yes, I've been more distant than I should have been.  But I also feel that I will come around once I can.  And I've started to.  What my family doesn't seem to understand is that I need time.  It's had enough to cope with my own feelings about our situation, but then to deal with something like that on top of it takes time.
  My mom was bullying me a lot about throwing them a shower.  And while initially I stood up for myself and said that I'd help with what I could but couldnt guarantee that I would be able to go.  That didn't go over well.  I was accused of not supporting my family, which is total crap.  I love them to death and love my new nephew.  However, how much pain is one infertile supposed to bear?
  So, in my own way, I've started to allow myself to think about their shower, and even get a little excited about it.   In the interest of keeping my family from being upset wit me, I've caved and said I'll cohost and it can be at our home.  Some days I think I've completely lost it.  I suppose part of my brain has convinced me that if I throw it in my home, I can control how everything happens and worst case scenario is that I can find plenty of hosting duties to keep me busy.  Maybe part of me is hoping karma will pay off.
  I know that this is life.  I can't control who gets pregnant or that I can't.  I just wish that the people closest to me could understand the sensitivity I need.  My mom acted like it was no big deal that I said sure, lets have it at my house.  My brother and sister in law seem to expect it.
  My husband and I had dinner with my brother and sister in law last week to celebrate all of our birthdays (we're all in May).  It's the first time I've seen her bump.  I tried my best to prepare for it.  I can proudly say that I kept it together pretty well, although I'll admit I know I stared at it more that I should have.  The conversations started slightly awkward but warmed up later on.  Lots of talking about the pregnancy and my nephew to be.  Not once did they bother to ask about our issues.  That hurt.  I had gotten wind that my brother complained to our mom after a lunch date we had a couple months ago.  I had talked a lot about IVF and reproductive immunology, our plan.  Apparently it bothered my brother that I didn't ask his wife how she was feeling.  I wasn't ready yet.  I wonder how he thinks I feel that they didn't bother to give it a second thought.
 I'm trying not to stress about it.  They will never understand this journey and this pain.  I'm still thankful it happened so easy for them.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.