Crazy Hormones

Well, I think any question I had of if the Crinone and estrogen were working have been completely dispelled.  I am a hot mess today.  My time off of work is coming to a close so I wanted to get my holiday baking at least started.  I love to bake, especially at the holidays.  I think a lot of it's psychological.  It reminds me of a time when I'd bake cookies all day with my mom.  The house would be all decorated and it'd smell so good.  Its one of my favorite memories.  It was a simpler, happier time.  Before I even knew about infertility, before we stopped talking to my dad's family, before my mom got sick and was left disabled and before we lost my dad.  Back then, I was the only one that had the patience to hang out with my dad while he made his fudge.  I'd sit & talk with him or he'd park me on a chair in front of the stove & let me stir.  He made it every year, so when he died, I wanted to try to keep making it.  Luckily for me, I remember the steps since he only wrote down the ingredients.  Thanks dad!

So as I channel my childhood, radio blaring, I couldn't help but imagine having a baby or babies next year at this time.  I could continue the traditions my parents started.  So of course that made me cry.  Then that Gary Allen song came on the radio about how every storm runs out of rain & it made me think of our journey with Infertility & that made me cry.  Then, it got worse!

I had text my mom to find out if she had gotten some news she was waiting for (she didn't btw).  She proceeds to ask me when I'll know if I'm pregnant.  I didn't want to give her the exact beta date for fear of having to face her if it's another failed cycle.  So I told her I have a blood test next week and asked that she respect that regardless of the outcome, we will tell her when we are ready.  Well, she took that as an insult and got off hurt & offended.  So I got to go a couple rounds with her, trying to get her to understand that it's a stressful time & would like some privacy.  So she's mad at me and that made me cry.  I can't expect her to understand the incredible pressure that comes with people knowing too much.  When people know too many of the details, like when the beta is for example, then I don't get the time to process anything privately.  And if it's successful, I want to be able to "surprise" our families with the good news and make a big deal about it.  Because it is a BIG DEAL.  Her knowing takes that away from me.  It's bad enough that I haven't been able to get pregnant the "traditional" way.  Can't I try to retain some sense of normalcy with a pregnancy?

DH called when he was on the way home from work and I told him about it.  Of course I started crying, stating how I am terrified that theres a potential this cycle didn't work.  He told me we can't think like that.  I'm glad I have him to help me through the rough days and I totally blame the waterworks on the estrogen patch.  We need to go to Target when he gets home to find some white elephant gifts for a Christmas party this weekend.  I'm thankful to get out of the house, but I better not cry in target or DH will think I'm nuts.  today is 4dp5dt.  7.5 more days till beta.  AND I haven't POAS since my trigger has been out.  God give me strength!!  Here's a couple photos from Christmas when I was little.