10 years ago today I was getting off the train, coming back from college. It wasn't for spring break though. I was a freshman in college and I was coming back because we were removing my dad from life support. 2 weeks prior, my dad suffered a massive heart attack when he went out to get the mail. When he collapsed, my mom thought he just fell, as he had weakness in one of his legs from a prior back surgery. It wasn't until an off duty firefighter pulled over and began CPR that she knew something was wrong. They did get a heartbeat back but the time his brain spent without oxygen was too long.
My dad spent 2 weeks in the ICU, hooked up to IVs, a ventilator and such all to sustain his life. Multiple tests were done, but in the end, his brain had been deprived of oxygen too long and the electrical activity was minimal. My dad was brain dead. I think a part of me wanted to stay in denial. He had been sick and on a ventilator a few times before, for pneumonia and for congestive heart failure, and had always gotten better. I had come back the day after the heart attack. My brother was 15 at the time, and someone needed to be around for him since my mom was living at the hospital. Jeremy and I had just started dating about 5 months prior. Both of us missed class and he brought me home.
I returned to campus after almost 2 weeks to tie up my loose ends, stayed the night and then returned home the next day. The ventilator was removed and we waited. Part of me wanted to believe that there would be a miracle, and he'd wake up. My dad passed away around 1:20 that afternoon.
It's hard to believe that was all 10 years ago, when some days it feels so fresh and vivid. I miss him terribly. Especially on holidays or special days like our or my brother's wedding day. I can say though, that I am so proud of the people he & I turned into. I worried that losing my dad so young would have really been detrimental to my brother. However, he excelled at everything he tried-sports, school, you name it. He is an amazing cop now, with a wonderful wife and a baby on the way. I know that because of losing Dad so young, he will make it a point to be the most amazing father. I'm not worried about that at all. I am sad that his baby (and hopefully mine someday) won't know their grandpa. I know my dad would have been the best grandpa. I suppose it's up to us to let our children know what he was like.
I can honestly now say I am proud of who I turned into because of losing him. When he passed, I was in the middle of dealing with clinical depression. Needless to say, it got worse after he passed. There were days I couldn't get out of bed. I ended up having to withdraw from most of my classes and chose not to return to the University in the fall. I began working as a CNA in the NICU I'm in now, just to have a job and to try to turn my life around. I found nursing, and worked my way through school. It may have taken 7 years, but I finished a college degree, passed my state boards and have become a wonderful nurse with a wonderful husband.
I am stronger now than I was back then. There's no way I would've been strong enough to deal with infertility back then. That is something I can be thankful for. I know my dad is on my side, helping me through. I just wish he'd get the lead out already!
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