What a rollercoaster!

So, I've been cruising along on my estrogen patches & endometrin supplements when all of a sudden Friday night I started spotting.  I was like WTF?  I thought I was either out or it was implantation bleeding.  I decided to keep an eye on it & by the time I was due for another dose of endometrin, it was gone, leading me to believe it was from implantation.  I should probably add that I never spot when Im on progesterone.  Well, this lovely little rollercoaster continued until Monday when I called the RE and they said it could either be my period starting or irritation from the meds.  Little did I know I was inserting the endometrin in too far, so the bleeding was probably my cervix.  Whoops.  So I felt a little better when the spotting stopped, but all my internet cheapy tests have been negative.  I am presently 11dp3dt so some pregnancy hormone (hcg) should be present.  Nope.  negative.  I go in for my beta tomorrow and I am just dreading it.  What makes matters worse is that tomorrow is also my first day back to work since the retrieval.  I am just dreading facing everyone.  Some of my coworkers knew what I was doing, so I really just don't want the questions. 

I just feel so incredibly overwhelmed with saddness and I havent even gotten the official yet.  I know that if it's negative, I'll do it again.  It's just hard to think about doing it all over again.  A friend of mine text me last night to tell me that she thinks Im an incredibly strong person for what Im going through.  I have no idea how she sees that.  All I feel is scared, sad, and broken.  I feel like there has to be something wrong with me that we have taken out every other factor and still aren't pregnant.  I feel like Im letting my husband down (which I know is silly, and he'd love me even without kids).  I just thought this was it.  I know Im not officially out until the lab results, but it's so hard to be optimistic right now.   

No frosties...

I forgot to add in my last post that none of the remaining 2 embies made it to freeze.  So it looks like we'll be looking at another fresh cycle if this one doesn't work or if we want more children.  I was heartbroken when I got the news.  I worry that I won't have the strength to do another cycle.  Especially after how hard it was getting to do the shots towards the end.  I know I'll do it if I have to, but some days its a lot harder to be stronger than others.  I hope these embies take!

Retrieved, transferred, PUPO

I know I just wrote a post, but I thought talking about the egg retrieval (ER), embryo transfer (ET) and everything just deserved its own post.  I was instructed to trigger sunday night for a tuesday morning ER.  I got the standard set of instructions, nothing to eat or drink after 10pm, arrive half an hour early etc.  We got there around 9:30, and they took me back almost right away.  I was instructed to change into the paper gown & the anestheologist was in to take my history.  She walked me back to the procedure room, in my paper gowned, bootied & hat glory.  I started to get nervous once I saw the room.  They had me lie on a table with these gigantic stirrups.  They started an iv, which hurt like a bitch, but I shouldn't complain since it only took one stick.  She gave me a little versed first & I completely relaxed.  Next thing I knew, I was waking up & it was over.  They helped me to a little recovery room and brought my husband back to be with me.  I didn't feel too bad, just kinda sore.  I had to hang out until I got the whole IV bag in, then they gave me some juice, sat me up, took out the iv & let me go home.  We ended up being able to get 8 eggs.  Not quite the amount I had hoped for, but better than nothing.  I spent the next couple days taking it easy on the couch.  All in all, recovery wasn't bad.  I felt very bloated and heavy, but nothing I couldnt manage with tylenol.  They called the day after the ER with our fert report.  Of our 8 eggs, 7 were mature, and 5 fertilized.  The called2 days after the ER to schedule our ET for the next day.  I was a little disappointed they wanted to do a 3day transfer(3dt) vs. a 5dt but happy that the embies were growing well enough to transfer.  They had me come in on friday 9/14 for the transfer.  I had been instructed to take my valium half an hour before I was supposed to show up at the center and to eat a light breakfast.  I had been told it'd be just like my IUIs but with ultrasound guidance, which required a full bladder.  They checked my bladder to see if I was full from drinking the water I was instructed to & of course it wasn't.  I blame my nursing bladder.  So 20 minutes and another bottle of water later, I was ready.  Back into the gown & hat/booties, and back into that room I went.  At least my husband got to be in there this time.  I got strapped in, verrified my name for the lab (they better have put my embies back!)  We had talked to the RE before we went in about how many to put back.  We had the following embryos growing: 1-10 cell grade 4, 1-8 cell grade 4, 1-8 cell grade 3 & 1-6 cell grade 2.  We opted to put back the 2 grade 4 embies.   The tranfser itself was painless.  It was like an IUI, except my IUIs sometimes hurt.  I had to lay there for 20 minutes after, thankfully they offered me a bedpan(gross I know).  I got to get up then, get dressed & we were on our way.  I had 2 days of bedrest, but now I'm just limited in lifting more more than 10-15 lbs, no sex, no exercise, no tobacco/alcohol (duh!).  All in all, not bad.  So as of right now, I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)with a beta set for 9/26.  I dont know how I'll make it till then.    Oh!  I forgot, wanna see the best part?  the RE gave us a photo of our embies! They are the little white dot with the arrow pointing to it.  I know its kinda hard to see.  

It's been awhile

I've been neglecting my poor blog.  I hope it forgives me.  Stimming kinda took a lot out of me.  I ended up stimming for 11 days with 75 IU of menopur and 175 IU of follistim, then added ganerelix for the last 5 days.  I'll tell ya, I'm pretty proud of myself, even if it sometimes took me an hour to do a shot towards the end.  I triggered on Sunday night 9/9 and went in for our retrieval on 9/11.  These were all of the shots I ended up doing, and a photo of the final shot.  28 shots in 11 days.  YIKES!!

This ones a fighter!

, , ,

Well, things have progressed since we last talked.  My meds came!  I put a bottle of wine next to it to remind me how big those boxes are.  I think I'll need that wine to get through the shots.  Too bad Im giving up drinking until we know if IVF worked or not.  Normally, Im in the drink till its pink camp, but Im too scared with IVF.

One of our kittens, Dunkin, was really interested in what I got and wanted to help me unpack.

As you can see, he is really helpful.

Murray is still helping by supervising from the box while his brother Dunkin is trying the hand on approach.











Thats quite a haul!!  I have Menopur, Follistim, Ganerelix, and Novarel as my injectable meds.  They also sent me the valium and doxycycline and all the supplies. 

 Then the kittens got bored with what I was doing & decided the boxes were more fun.

So I spent 3 weeks on birthcontrol pills to suppress my natural cycle.  Not pleasant.  Now I remember why I went off the pill in the first place.  This past wednesday I went in for my baseline labs and ultrasound before work and started the shots yesterday.






Now, I'll preface this whole thing by saying you will never meet another person as afraid of needles as I am.  I had been dreading the first shot since we agreed on IVF.  Suprisingly, it only took me 20 minutes to work up the guts to actually do it.  I'm pretty damn proud of myself.  And of course I took a picture of that too. 

I'm really hoping Im more of the stim for 8 days type of person, than the stim for 12 days kinda person.  Itll all be worth it in the end.

Disclaimer

I probably should have started this blog with the disclaimer that I am writing this for me.  I need somewhere where I can express what I am thinking without the judgement I could get.  Infertility is extremely emotional.  I will not sugar coat anything I say here.  If you don't like it, don't read it.

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother.

I borrowed this from another blog I love to read.  This has helped me get through some tough days.  I actually printed it out & keep it in my wallet.  The blog it came from is here Strength, Hope, and Everything Inbetween