Things have been going okay lately. Our appointment to talk about the last IVF cycle is Tuesday and I think the ICU nurse in me is in overdrive. I have an outline of questions I want to discuss, as well as followup questions based on his answers. I hope he's ready for me. Some of my questions focus on potentially working in tandem with a reproductive immunologist for the next cycle. I think given my family history with blood clots, heart problems, strokes, etc that it is a good idea to check everything out we possibly can. I don't want to go into the next cycle with thoughts of doubt in my head. If we find something, we can treat it accordingly. If there's nothing, then I'll know we did everything we can regardless of the outcome. I also intend to talk to him about doing a saline sonogram and endometrial biopsy. I realize that makes me sound borderline munchausen syndrome, but I just need to be sure everything's alright. Plus there are studies showing that having the biopsy done helps with implantation. Why not try!?
I've started getting things set up with a reproductive immunologist (RI). Ive been reading other people experiences online and Im kind of excited. They look for problems in your immune system and 99% of what they look for has a treatment. What do I have to lose? (besides about 20 vials of blood) So I had to fill out a 12 page patient history form, get my medical records to them for a nurse to review and then they call you for an appt. I called them after sending my records to them at fedex just to make sure they got the patient forms I faxed. Turns out that they are booked until the first week of March. Guess when the next retrieval week I can get in on is. You guessed it. First week of march. So my dilemma is: Do I wait to cycle till first week of May (that's the next available after the March group) or do I see if my RE can do a lot of this testing & modify my protocol? I see pros & cons on each side. If I wait to cycle, I have more time to lose weight, and will hopefully have all the RIs input for the next cycle and hopefully increasing our chance of success. May just seems so far away! If the RE will help with testing, then I can hopefully cycle sooner, but thats less time to lose weight and I don't know how much he'll go along with it. I think it sounds like waiting till May is the better option at this point, but we'll see what the RE has to say on Tuesday.
The diet has been going well, apparently I'm down 9 lbs, which bring my bmi to 40.2. Slowly but surely!! I'm hoping that since I'm combating AF bloat, that once she's gone, I'll see more loss. Wish me luck!!!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Roll out the red carpet!!
My dear friend Kate of Jim & Kate plus 8...8 doctors that is :) nominated me for a Liebster award! Gosh this comes as such a shock, I don't even have a speech prepared! I should thank all of my English teachers for teaching me how to properly form a sentence, my husband for putting up with my craziness, and I suppose Infertility, for giving me something to write about. Thanks Kate!!
If you receive a nomination, there are a few rules to follow:
1) Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves.
2) Then answer the 11 questions the tagger has asked.
3) Blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate.
4) They must choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post.
5) Bloggers must be notified of their award!
6) No tag backs!
So here are my 11 things about me.
1. My brother and I are born on the same day, 3 years apart. Im older.
2.I have a deep love of horror movies/shows etc. Its a love I got from my dad. I will pick something scary over a chick flick any day.
3. I used to be terrified of needles. Like run from the room, have a panic attack kind of terror. I do fine when I have to stick someone else, thankfully. IVF has helped me get over that fear pretty quick, but my blood pressure still sky rockets when I have to get an IV.
4. Being a nurse was never an intentional career choice for me. For awhile I wanted to be a cop (I have a ton of family that are cops), and then I wanted to be a music teacher. I even was a music major my first year of college. I wanted to teach choir, and sing all the time. I also used to play guitar, can pick out a tune on the piano (my instructor at WIU said I didn't practice enough), and can read sheet music.
5. I met Jeremy while performing in a madrigal dinner together during our first semester at WIU. We were 18. So, yes, we've been together 10 years.
6. I am socially awkward because I worry about what other people think too much.
7. I am a coffee-holic. I've restricted myself to 1 cup a day, and completely cut it out when we are in an IVF cycle. Doing so might be more difficult for me than the shots. lol
8. I have broken the same leg 2 times. I spent a good chunk of my early teens in a cast up to my hip, on crutches and in physical therapy. I had 5 surgeries on it as a result and now have a rod & screws. No MRIs for this girl!
9. When I was 18, my dad passed away from a massive heart attack. It changed my life, but I am proud of the person I am because of it.
10. I really want a hedgehog. I just love those lil hedgies!!
11. Im a cubs fan. Surprising since I've always been a southsider. lol
And here are the questions from Kate
1) What is your favorite season? There's something I love about every season, but if I had to pick one, Id say summer. There's nothing better than driving with all the windows open, blasting some good music.
2) Do you know how to swim? Sure do! It's my favorite activity. I even swam on the team in high school(distance swimmer, 500 freestyle was my event)
3) What's your favorite meal? Ooh tough one. I love my carbs, so pasta is always a favorite.
4) Do you prefer texting or calling? Depends who it is, texting for the most part though
5) Do you have any pets, if so what kind?We have 4 pets, 2 bearded dragons (I call them Carl & Ellie-not quite sure if thats what Jeremy thinks theyre called though) and 2 orange tabby cats named Dunkin & Murray. Theyre just over a year old and my babies. If you look back to the post about our first shipment of IVF meds, they make a guest appearance.
6) If you press shuffle on iTunes/iPod/iPhone, what are the first 3 songs that play? Try-Pink, Commin in hot-Hollywood Undead, Payphone-Maroon 5
7) If you could have lunch with any person dead or alive, who would it be? My dad. or Maybe John Lennon.
8) What is your favorite TV show? Hmm another tough one. Greys anatomy, American Horror Story, the office, Bobs burgers are all on the top of my list.
9) Do you like your job? If not, what would you prefer to do?I LOVE my job. I had never planned to be a nurse, but I really cant imagine myself doing anything else.
10) What would you do if you won the lottery? Pay off my student loans! And any of the rest of our debt, including the house. Maybe put more thought into adoption.
11) What were you doing 30 minutes ago? I ate an apple with peanut butter after being at the gym.
My Questions for my Nominees:
1. Favorite memory from your childhood?
2. If you're married, what was your first dance song?
3. What was your best vacation?
4. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
5. Where would you live if you could live anywhere?
6. Can you speak another language besides English?
7. Do you have any hobbies?
8. Favorite way to spend a day off work?
9. Least favorite food?
10. If you had $1000 to spend on anything you want, what would it be?
11. How would you best describe your personality?
And the Nominees are......
1. Betsy BS and everything else
2. KristyKay Strength, Hope and Everything in between
3. Kati The Juice is worth the squeeze
4. Jane Infertilityland is not like Disneyland
5. Lisa The road to baby Oz
I know I was supposed to have 11, but Im out of people that havent already gotten a Liebster! If I missed you, let me know & I'll nominate you too!
This award is given to new or up-and coming-bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another. What a fun way to get to know other bloggers!
If you receive a nomination, there are a few rules to follow:
1) Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves.
2) Then answer the 11 questions the tagger has asked.
3) Blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate.
4) They must choose 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post.
5) Bloggers must be notified of their award!
6) No tag backs!
So here are my 11 things about me.
1. My brother and I are born on the same day, 3 years apart. Im older.
2.I have a deep love of horror movies/shows etc. Its a love I got from my dad. I will pick something scary over a chick flick any day.
3. I used to be terrified of needles. Like run from the room, have a panic attack kind of terror. I do fine when I have to stick someone else, thankfully. IVF has helped me get over that fear pretty quick, but my blood pressure still sky rockets when I have to get an IV.
4. Being a nurse was never an intentional career choice for me. For awhile I wanted to be a cop (I have a ton of family that are cops), and then I wanted to be a music teacher. I even was a music major my first year of college. I wanted to teach choir, and sing all the time. I also used to play guitar, can pick out a tune on the piano (my instructor at WIU said I didn't practice enough), and can read sheet music.
5. I met Jeremy while performing in a madrigal dinner together during our first semester at WIU. We were 18. So, yes, we've been together 10 years.
6. I am socially awkward because I worry about what other people think too much.
7. I am a coffee-holic. I've restricted myself to 1 cup a day, and completely cut it out when we are in an IVF cycle. Doing so might be more difficult for me than the shots. lol
8. I have broken the same leg 2 times. I spent a good chunk of my early teens in a cast up to my hip, on crutches and in physical therapy. I had 5 surgeries on it as a result and now have a rod & screws. No MRIs for this girl!
9. When I was 18, my dad passed away from a massive heart attack. It changed my life, but I am proud of the person I am because of it.
10. I really want a hedgehog. I just love those lil hedgies!!
11. Im a cubs fan. Surprising since I've always been a southsider. lol
And here are the questions from Kate
1) What is your favorite season? There's something I love about every season, but if I had to pick one, Id say summer. There's nothing better than driving with all the windows open, blasting some good music.
2) Do you know how to swim? Sure do! It's my favorite activity. I even swam on the team in high school(distance swimmer, 500 freestyle was my event)
3) What's your favorite meal? Ooh tough one. I love my carbs, so pasta is always a favorite.
4) Do you prefer texting or calling? Depends who it is, texting for the most part though
5) Do you have any pets, if so what kind?We have 4 pets, 2 bearded dragons (I call them Carl & Ellie-not quite sure if thats what Jeremy thinks theyre called though) and 2 orange tabby cats named Dunkin & Murray. Theyre just over a year old and my babies. If you look back to the post about our first shipment of IVF meds, they make a guest appearance.
6) If you press shuffle on iTunes/iPod/iPhone, what are the first 3 songs that play? Try-Pink, Commin in hot-Hollywood Undead, Payphone-Maroon 5
7) If you could have lunch with any person dead or alive, who would it be? My dad. or Maybe John Lennon.
8) What is your favorite TV show? Hmm another tough one. Greys anatomy, American Horror Story, the office, Bobs burgers are all on the top of my list.
9) Do you like your job? If not, what would you prefer to do?I LOVE my job. I had never planned to be a nurse, but I really cant imagine myself doing anything else.
10) What would you do if you won the lottery? Pay off my student loans! And any of the rest of our debt, including the house. Maybe put more thought into adoption.
11) What were you doing 30 minutes ago? I ate an apple with peanut butter after being at the gym.
My Questions for my Nominees:
1. Favorite memory from your childhood?
2. If you're married, what was your first dance song?
3. What was your best vacation?
4. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
5. Where would you live if you could live anywhere?
6. Can you speak another language besides English?
7. Do you have any hobbies?
8. Favorite way to spend a day off work?
9. Least favorite food?
10. If you had $1000 to spend on anything you want, what would it be?
11. How would you best describe your personality?
And the Nominees are......
1. Betsy BS and everything else
2. KristyKay Strength, Hope and Everything in between
3. Kati The Juice is worth the squeeze
4. Jane Infertilityland is not like Disneyland
5. Lisa The road to baby Oz
I know I was supposed to have 11, but Im out of people that havent already gotten a Liebster! If I missed you, let me know & I'll nominate you too!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
You gotta get up and try.
Happy New Year everyone! Sorry I've been MIA for a while. I've been having a rough time lately. Maybe it's the BFN, maybe its that we just hit the 2 year mark of TTC, Im not sure. I just can't shake this bitterness. I know other peoples' fertility does not effect mine. I just have such a hard time having other pregnancies seemingly thrown in my face. The girl I work with complaining about how sick she is, or the senior resident posting her u/s on our kitchen bulletin board. I can't even eat my lunch in peace. Or the people who complain about how their kids won't sleep, eat, excessive extracurriculars etc. Do you know how much I'd kill to stay up all night with a baby? I keep telling myself that dealing with those people and facing it will just make me stronger. Though there are days I think I'm just full of shit.
Our WTF appt is quickly approaching. I've got my list ready, but honestly, I just feel at such a loss. I know he told us the last time that some of his couples cycle 3-4 times before getting pregnant. The thought of doing a 4th cycle for baby#1 makes me kinda sick. There just has to be a reason this isn't working.
As part of my prep for IVF3, I signed back up at the gym. Reducing my BMI is the only thing the RE said is something else I can be doing to help this work. I've also started making a conscious effort to eat better. I downloaded an app to calculate my calories and keep track of my workouts. So far I am notoriously coming in below what I should be for caloric intake, but the app is scolding me. I need to get closer to that 1290 calorie/day mark. I do notice I feel better after working out, but I'm lacking some serious motivation today. I know I need to go, since I work the next 2 days. So far I've lost 5 lbs though, so I guess the hard work is paying off. I looked up how much I need to lose to bring my BMI into a healthy zone and I guess I need to have my jaw wired shut. 88lbs to be a healthy BMI. it seems so far away. Here's some stats though:
Oh, if you haven't heard it yet, go listen to the song Try by Pink. There's a few lines I've been taking to heart lately.
"Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try"
I gotta get up and try.xoxo
Our WTF appt is quickly approaching. I've got my list ready, but honestly, I just feel at such a loss. I know he told us the last time that some of his couples cycle 3-4 times before getting pregnant. The thought of doing a 4th cycle for baby#1 makes me kinda sick. There just has to be a reason this isn't working.
As part of my prep for IVF3, I signed back up at the gym. Reducing my BMI is the only thing the RE said is something else I can be doing to help this work. I've also started making a conscious effort to eat better. I downloaded an app to calculate my calories and keep track of my workouts. So far I am notoriously coming in below what I should be for caloric intake, but the app is scolding me. I need to get closer to that 1290 calorie/day mark. I do notice I feel better after working out, but I'm lacking some serious motivation today. I know I need to go, since I work the next 2 days. So far I've lost 5 lbs though, so I guess the hard work is paying off. I looked up how much I need to lose to bring my BMI into a healthy zone and I guess I need to have my jaw wired shut. 88lbs to be a healthy BMI. it seems so far away. Here's some stats though:
- Starting weight & BMI 1/1: 228lbs, 41.7 BMI
- Today's Weigh in 1/9: 223.5, 40.9 BMI
Oh, if you haven't heard it yet, go listen to the song Try by Pink. There's a few lines I've been taking to heart lately.
"Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, try, try
Gotta get up and try, try, try
You gotta get up and try, try, try"
I gotta get up and try.xoxo
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Survival
I survived the holidays, and with minimal bloodshed at that. I think I deserve a medal or something. It wasn't without drama though. I got the BFN on Friday while I was at work. I wasn't even supposed to work that day, but had switched with someone to have Saturday off to go to Hanukkah with my mother in law's family. Now, I love my in-laws, don't get me wrong. But sometimes they just need to learn to take a hint. It's more so one aunt in particular. She means well, but it's just too much sometimes. On our 2 hour drive to her house, I was telling my husband how I was nervous about getting cornered by her and that I couldn't make any promises about being polite if she was too persistent. Surprisingly, most of the party was fun. The food was good, we had fun with white elephant and there was no baby talk. That is, until we were trying to leave. We were under curfew to leave, since I had to be up at 5am the next day & we had a long drive home.
We were in the kitchen, putting on our coats, grabbing leftovers & saying goodbyes, when his aunt cornered us. She started talking about how great it'd be to hold a newborn and how we should have kids etc. My husband interjected and said something about how it's not lack of trying (or something similar) and she got all excited. I think the only part of the conversation she noticed was the "trying." She started going on about how when she got pregnant the first time, she & a friend went to AZ for a vacation, and indulged in lots of booze & drugs. I snarkily turned to my husband & said, guess we're going to AZ! She also said her dr told her to take robitussin. I'm assuming that's how they tell people to take mucinex now to help with cervical mucus. She left the conversation for a bit but then came back & wanted to hug & kiss me, saying she's sorry for being pushy etc. I have to wonder if my MIL might have said something, since she knows about our struggle and had watched the whole thing unfold. His aunt starts saying how it'll happen when it's supposed to etc and I can feel my strength wavering & tears starting to well up. I did manage to escape without crying, so Im proud of myself for that.
I also managed to snap at a coworker on Sunday morning during report. I'm caring for twins from IVF and she indicates that in report. Then she goes on to say how she (a single woman, in her 30s) is just going to go through IVF and have some twins since it seems to be the popular thing to do. I tried to politely tell her that she should watch those preconceived notions, thinking she'd move on & finish report. Nope. She continues to state about how 19 year olds use it and they have so much time on their side. I stated that all the time in the world can't change things for people with a medical reason to not be able to TTC naturally and that IVF isn't a guarantee of twins/successful pregnancy. She kept going and since I just wanted her to STFU, I told her that Ive had 2 failed IVF cycles and she should keep her opinions to herself. She started to backpedal then, stating that it's different because I'm married. UGH. I am so tired of the ignorance about infertility!!!
Our Christmas was nice. We went by my inlaws on Christmas eve and of course AF decided to show up too. This one was way worse than after the first IVF, but I think it's because I wore the estrogen patch longer. I was so sick I considered not going to my inlaws, but large amounts of motrin/tylenol & alcohol made it possible. I got some more barnes and nobel gift cards, so I am well on my way to get the nook Ive been saving for. My inlaws also gave me 2 tickets to see Maroon 5 in April! My mother in law & sister in law have the seats right next to mine, so it's like a girls night. She told me to invite whoever I want. I just have to figure out who. Im so excited.
Christmas day my family came over for brunch. Nice and low key. I felt slightly better than the day before, so that helped a lot. My mom went all out this year, but not as bad as I worried she would. we got a keurig! I'm excited to play with it, and maybe it'll help me keep a control on the amount of caffeine I drink. I can even get decaf cups for when Im cycling again! My brother & sister in law gave me fuzzy moccasins and a giftcard for victoria secret. It was nice just to spend time with my family. Other than that, my husband and I just hung out & watched christmas movies with a couple bottles of leftover champagne.
Im starting to think about making my WTF appt. Its nice to have the time off, but it's weird not to be doing something. AF has been wonky. It started heavy on Christmas eve. Normally I spot for a couple days first. It was also super clotty (sorry for the TMI). The weirdest part is that it was only 2 days long. 2 super bad days, then nothing! where did it go? I used to have week long periods. Thanks a lot IF!
We were in the kitchen, putting on our coats, grabbing leftovers & saying goodbyes, when his aunt cornered us. She started talking about how great it'd be to hold a newborn and how we should have kids etc. My husband interjected and said something about how it's not lack of trying (or something similar) and she got all excited. I think the only part of the conversation she noticed was the "trying." She started going on about how when she got pregnant the first time, she & a friend went to AZ for a vacation, and indulged in lots of booze & drugs. I snarkily turned to my husband & said, guess we're going to AZ! She also said her dr told her to take robitussin. I'm assuming that's how they tell people to take mucinex now to help with cervical mucus. She left the conversation for a bit but then came back & wanted to hug & kiss me, saying she's sorry for being pushy etc. I have to wonder if my MIL might have said something, since she knows about our struggle and had watched the whole thing unfold. His aunt starts saying how it'll happen when it's supposed to etc and I can feel my strength wavering & tears starting to well up. I did manage to escape without crying, so Im proud of myself for that.
I also managed to snap at a coworker on Sunday morning during report. I'm caring for twins from IVF and she indicates that in report. Then she goes on to say how she (a single woman, in her 30s) is just going to go through IVF and have some twins since it seems to be the popular thing to do. I tried to politely tell her that she should watch those preconceived notions, thinking she'd move on & finish report. Nope. She continues to state about how 19 year olds use it and they have so much time on their side. I stated that all the time in the world can't change things for people with a medical reason to not be able to TTC naturally and that IVF isn't a guarantee of twins/successful pregnancy. She kept going and since I just wanted her to STFU, I told her that Ive had 2 failed IVF cycles and she should keep her opinions to herself. She started to backpedal then, stating that it's different because I'm married. UGH. I am so tired of the ignorance about infertility!!!
Our Christmas was nice. We went by my inlaws on Christmas eve and of course AF decided to show up too. This one was way worse than after the first IVF, but I think it's because I wore the estrogen patch longer. I was so sick I considered not going to my inlaws, but large amounts of motrin/tylenol & alcohol made it possible. I got some more barnes and nobel gift cards, so I am well on my way to get the nook Ive been saving for. My inlaws also gave me 2 tickets to see Maroon 5 in April! My mother in law & sister in law have the seats right next to mine, so it's like a girls night. She told me to invite whoever I want. I just have to figure out who. Im so excited.
Christmas day my family came over for brunch. Nice and low key. I felt slightly better than the day before, so that helped a lot. My mom went all out this year, but not as bad as I worried she would. we got a keurig! I'm excited to play with it, and maybe it'll help me keep a control on the amount of caffeine I drink. I can even get decaf cups for when Im cycling again! My brother & sister in law gave me fuzzy moccasins and a giftcard for victoria secret. It was nice just to spend time with my family. Other than that, my husband and I just hung out & watched christmas movies with a couple bottles of leftover champagne.
Im starting to think about making my WTF appt. Its nice to have the time off, but it's weird not to be doing something. AF has been wonky. It started heavy on Christmas eve. Normally I spot for a couple days first. It was also super clotty (sorry for the TMI). The weirdest part is that it was only 2 days long. 2 super bad days, then nothing! where did it go? I used to have week long periods. Thanks a lot IF!
Friday, December 21, 2012
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Needless to say, my negative home tests were right and my beta level today is 0. I had been braced for this, but it still stings. My RE feels IVF will work for us and we're getting closer to success. He was happy with the cycle besides the BFN. I told him I need some time before cycling again, but I want to be more aggressive and persue more testing in the mean time. I'll make a WTF appointment with him, but I want to get through the holidays first.
Things on my list to ask about are:
Immune & RPL testing. I know I haven't technically had a loss yet, but maybe there's something at play I don't know about.
Endometrial biopsy and/or saline sonogram.
Any alternative therapies to add on such as accupuncture etc.
Part of me is afraid to stop all treatment, so I questioned if IUIs in the meantime would be okay. He didn't feel theyd help a whole lot but we can talk about it. I also know I need to lose weight. Again, we'll worry about that after the holidays.
On the plus side, my amh level was 1.82. He told me he isn't concerned until its less than 1. So at least theres that.
Things on my list to ask about are:
Immune & RPL testing. I know I haven't technically had a loss yet, but maybe there's something at play I don't know about.
Endometrial biopsy and/or saline sonogram.
Any alternative therapies to add on such as accupuncture etc.
Part of me is afraid to stop all treatment, so I questioned if IUIs in the meantime would be okay. He didn't feel theyd help a whole lot but we can talk about it. I also know I need to lose weight. Again, we'll worry about that after the holidays.
On the plus side, my amh level was 1.82. He told me he isn't concerned until its less than 1. So at least theres that.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Holding onto Hope
It's been a week today since our transfer. The little twinges & cramps are becoming less and less, but the bloat is still there (oh YAY!) One of the girls on the message boards who did her procedures at the same time as me got a BFP last friday. So naturally I caved and tested on saturday. BFN. Now, I know this is way too early. I have that trusty chart from NYU saying I won't even have detectable hcg until like Weds. I'm keeping hope that I just tested too early. These hormones are doing a number on me. I've even begun garbage picking. Let me explain.
I woke up at 5 am on saturday to do my Crinone & change my estrogen patch. I wasn't even planning on taking a test but something in my head said just do one! So after waiting the 5 minutes, I saw it was negative, tossed it in the garbage & went back to bed. A few hours later, I get up & go to brush my teeth & get ready for the day since my father in law was coming over. Again, that pesty voice in my head said look at the test! So I garbaged picked and found the test. Holy Eff there was a super faint 2nd line!! I stared at it for a long time, debating on if I tell my husband or not. I asked him to come see it since I really thought I was seeing things. He agreed he saw it & then scolded me for testing already. We agreed not to read too much into it since we knew it was too early. That didnt stop me from calling up Dr. Google and consulting him about if it was an evap line or not. I also told DH that I was bringing another pregnancy test with us on the overnight we were going on to a friend's Christmas party. Well, the test on sunday was negative, so I'm thinking it was an evap line. Todays test is negative too. Like I said though, it's still too early, so I'm trying not to worry yet.
Seeing the negative tests has made me think though. What are we going to do if it's another failed cycle. We haven't talked about it yet. Part of me wonders if we should take a break. I've already used up 2 retrievals off my insurance and I'm not exactly excited to have to start over with my deductible again. Then there's another part of me that just can't give up. I already know the RE will make me wait out a cycle inbetween. Should we maybe just do a few IUI's with injectables? we only did IUIs with clomid before plus I really don't think I was being timed appropriately for the IUIs.
I also have to wonder about our diagnosis. We're unexplained IF. Is there anything else we can do as far as testing to figure out why this isn't working? Not like I really want to have an endometrial biopsy or saline sono, but if it'd help us figure out why, then why not? I also wondered about additional labwork. I asked them to run an AMH level with one of my lab draws with this cycle. I've never had it checked, and I need to find out the result. I've never been checked for the thrombophillias or any of the immune testing. I do have eczema, so I have to wonder if there's something immunological at play. Some days I think I'm just looking for an answer that might just not be there. Sometimes unexplained is unexplained.
There have been days I considered giving it all up, persuing adoption, all of that. I just can't give up on myself yet. I am stronger than this. I will beat this.
P.S. I don't remember if I mentioned this before or not, but I found out that the person I sent my leftover Ovidrel to (I never ended up needing to use it for our IUIs) if pregant! I can't even begin to explain how happy I am for her & her husband. I'm glad that I was able to help her. She gives me hope that this will work. You gotta have hope.
I woke up at 5 am on saturday to do my Crinone & change my estrogen patch. I wasn't even planning on taking a test but something in my head said just do one! So after waiting the 5 minutes, I saw it was negative, tossed it in the garbage & went back to bed. A few hours later, I get up & go to brush my teeth & get ready for the day since my father in law was coming over. Again, that pesty voice in my head said look at the test! So I garbaged picked and found the test. Holy Eff there was a super faint 2nd line!! I stared at it for a long time, debating on if I tell my husband or not. I asked him to come see it since I really thought I was seeing things. He agreed he saw it & then scolded me for testing already. We agreed not to read too much into it since we knew it was too early. That didnt stop me from calling up Dr. Google and consulting him about if it was an evap line or not. I also told DH that I was bringing another pregnancy test with us on the overnight we were going on to a friend's Christmas party. Well, the test on sunday was negative, so I'm thinking it was an evap line. Todays test is negative too. Like I said though, it's still too early, so I'm trying not to worry yet.
Seeing the negative tests has made me think though. What are we going to do if it's another failed cycle. We haven't talked about it yet. Part of me wonders if we should take a break. I've already used up 2 retrievals off my insurance and I'm not exactly excited to have to start over with my deductible again. Then there's another part of me that just can't give up. I already know the RE will make me wait out a cycle inbetween. Should we maybe just do a few IUI's with injectables? we only did IUIs with clomid before plus I really don't think I was being timed appropriately for the IUIs.
I also have to wonder about our diagnosis. We're unexplained IF. Is there anything else we can do as far as testing to figure out why this isn't working? Not like I really want to have an endometrial biopsy or saline sono, but if it'd help us figure out why, then why not? I also wondered about additional labwork. I asked them to run an AMH level with one of my lab draws with this cycle. I've never had it checked, and I need to find out the result. I've never been checked for the thrombophillias or any of the immune testing. I do have eczema, so I have to wonder if there's something immunological at play. Some days I think I'm just looking for an answer that might just not be there. Sometimes unexplained is unexplained.
There have been days I considered giving it all up, persuing adoption, all of that. I just can't give up on myself yet. I am stronger than this. I will beat this.
P.S. I don't remember if I mentioned this before or not, but I found out that the person I sent my leftover Ovidrel to (I never ended up needing to use it for our IUIs) if pregant! I can't even begin to explain how happy I am for her & her husband. I'm glad that I was able to help her. She gives me hope that this will work. You gotta have hope.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Crazy Hormones
Well, I think any question I had of if the Crinone and estrogen were working have been completely dispelled. I am a hot mess today. My time off of work is coming to a close so I wanted to get my holiday baking at least started. I love to bake, especially at the holidays. I think a lot of it's psychological. It reminds me of a time when I'd bake cookies all day with my mom. The house would be all decorated and it'd smell so good. Its one of my favorite memories. It was a simpler, happier time. Before I even knew about infertility, before we stopped talking to my dad's family, before my mom got sick and was left disabled and before we lost my dad. Back then, I was the only one that had the patience to hang out with my dad while he made his fudge. I'd sit & talk with him or he'd park me on a chair in front of the stove & let me stir. He made it every year, so when he died, I wanted to try to keep making it. Luckily for me, I remember the steps since he only wrote down the ingredients. Thanks dad!
So as I channel my childhood, radio blaring, I couldn't help but imagine having a baby or babies next year at this time. I could continue the traditions my parents started. So of course that made me cry. Then that Gary Allen song came on the radio about how every storm runs out of rain & it made me think of our journey with Infertility & that made me cry. Then, it got worse!
I had text my mom to find out if she had gotten some news she was waiting for (she didn't btw). She proceeds to ask me when I'll know if I'm pregnant. I didn't want to give her the exact beta date for fear of having to face her if it's another failed cycle. So I told her I have a blood test next week and asked that she respect that regardless of the outcome, we will tell her when we are ready. Well, she took that as an insult and got off hurt & offended. So I got to go a couple rounds with her, trying to get her to understand that it's a stressful time & would like some privacy. So she's mad at me and that made me cry. I can't expect her to understand the incredible pressure that comes with people knowing too much. When people know too many of the details, like when the beta is for example, then I don't get the time to process anything privately. And if it's successful, I want to be able to "surprise" our families with the good news and make a big deal about it. Because it is a BIG DEAL. Her knowing takes that away from me. It's bad enough that I haven't been able to get pregnant the "traditional" way. Can't I try to retain some sense of normalcy with a pregnancy?
DH called when he was on the way home from work and I told him about it. Of course I started crying, stating how I am terrified that theres a potential this cycle didn't work. He told me we can't think like that. I'm glad I have him to help me through the rough days and I totally blame the waterworks on the estrogen patch. We need to go to Target when he gets home to find some white elephant gifts for a Christmas party this weekend. I'm thankful to get out of the house, but I better not cry in target or DH will think I'm nuts. today is 4dp5dt. 7.5 more days till beta. AND I haven't POAS since my trigger has been out. God give me strength!! Here's a couple photos from Christmas when I was little.
So as I channel my childhood, radio blaring, I couldn't help but imagine having a baby or babies next year at this time. I could continue the traditions my parents started. So of course that made me cry. Then that Gary Allen song came on the radio about how every storm runs out of rain & it made me think of our journey with Infertility & that made me cry. Then, it got worse!
I had text my mom to find out if she had gotten some news she was waiting for (she didn't btw). She proceeds to ask me when I'll know if I'm pregnant. I didn't want to give her the exact beta date for fear of having to face her if it's another failed cycle. So I told her I have a blood test next week and asked that she respect that regardless of the outcome, we will tell her when we are ready. Well, she took that as an insult and got off hurt & offended. So I got to go a couple rounds with her, trying to get her to understand that it's a stressful time & would like some privacy. So she's mad at me and that made me cry. I can't expect her to understand the incredible pressure that comes with people knowing too much. When people know too many of the details, like when the beta is for example, then I don't get the time to process anything privately. And if it's successful, I want to be able to "surprise" our families with the good news and make a big deal about it. Because it is a BIG DEAL. Her knowing takes that away from me. It's bad enough that I haven't been able to get pregnant the "traditional" way. Can't I try to retain some sense of normalcy with a pregnancy?
DH called when he was on the way home from work and I told him about it. Of course I started crying, stating how I am terrified that theres a potential this cycle didn't work. He told me we can't think like that. I'm glad I have him to help me through the rough days and I totally blame the waterworks on the estrogen patch. We need to go to Target when he gets home to find some white elephant gifts for a Christmas party this weekend. I'm thankful to get out of the house, but I better not cry in target or DH will think I'm nuts. today is 4dp5dt. 7.5 more days till beta. AND I haven't POAS since my trigger has been out. God give me strength!! Here's a couple photos from Christmas when I was little.
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