2 posts in one week? Can it be?! Yes, my dear readers, it's true. I looked back on my posts and saw how pathetic I've been with keeping this blog updated, so I'd like to try to make a better effort-at least before the babies arrive. I've been noticing I've had some increased anxiety lately as well. Hopefully posting will help that as well. Especially since my therapist has been on maternity leave.
Today I am 33w4d. All along the plan has been that if I go into labor after 34w, the OBs won't try to stop it and rather do our c-section. They also won't administer steroids after 34w. As a NICU nurse, that makes me apprehensive. Fetal lung maturity isn't complete until approximately 36w. If the babies came now, they would probably need some form of respiratory support. Granted, we're delivering at the hospital I work at, so I know they'd be in good hands. I just don't want to see it happen. Its scary to think that any day now, in theory, we could have outside babies. I think dealing with infertility jaded me to pregnancy. Between the IF and my job, a part of me has stayed very guarded about actually having take home babies. Like part of me is still protecting my brain/heart. I know it's kind of odd. I had a hard time setting up the nursery, washing their clothes etc. Like it was an abstract concept. DH and I talked names again this weekend, and we're set unless the babies really don't fit with what we've chosen. He even referred to our little girl by name Sunday and it caught me off guard. (btw, sorry, they're still going to be a surprise. You'll have to wait till delivery)
Then I think about down the road. Fearing I won't be a good mom. I want them to have amazing, happy lives. It makes me think about my own relationship with my mom and worrying that it'll repeat with them. She's not a bad mom at all. She's just not the type of support I've needed throughout the years. I don't want them to ever feel like they can't come to me with something.
I've also worried about what happens if something happens to me during the c section. I know that's pretty morbid, but between what I see at work and losing my dad so early, I think it's normal to worry about. I told DH that I think I should have advanced directives and a living will and he kinda got nervous. I just want everything spelled out so he doesn't have to make any difficult decisions.
I'm praying this is just normal nerves. I'm sure it's normal to be scared, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment