I'm sorry the blog has been quiet. I can't really decide where my brain wants to be at. The weekend was fun. We did end up going to Navy Pier with our friends, had dinner rode the Ferris Wheel, all that fun touristy stuff. Originally my plan was to do our PIO shot in the parking garage. Well, we had to park so far away that DH didn't want to go all the way back to the car. I offered to just go in a corner or behind a staircase. Nope. He wanted to find a family bathroom. Okay fine. One problem. We couldn't find one. We went to Harry Carrey's for dinner, which had bathrooms so we opted to just use one. Well, there was a ton of traffic going in & out of the ladies room, so I kinda paniced and said no way. We ended up in the men's room handicap stall. Oh the things we'll do for a baby! Later, we found out there was a family bathroom. I thought it was a closet. At least I got a cool story out of it.
I heard back from my NP about all that labwork. She increased my synthroid and reassured me that a higher TSH shouldn't effect implantation. She also felt that my progesterone level was too low for her comfort so she called in prometrium for me to take orally. Yes, that's right, now I'm on 3 different progesterones. PIO, crinone and oral prometrium. I've been taking it at night to avoid the side effects and will have that level checked on friday when I get my beta drawn.
Speaking of beta, I'm nervous. I had some cramping yesterday, but I think it was from being on my feet so much at work. I also managed to play connect the bruises with my lovenox shots, so the entire left side of my abdomen from belly button to hip is now blue with a huge bruise and it hurts. So maybe its that too. I still think my boobs feel bigger than normal, Im tired, sometimes irritable, hungry, some food/smell aversions. ... but again, it could be due to the progesterone. I have stuck to my promise not to use home tests, but I can feel my will faltering. Part of me just wants to know. another part of me if afraid of the answer, so ignorance is bliss. People at work have said I'm glowing. Maybe that's the hormones too. Who knows. I wish it were Friday already....then again, maybe I don't.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Checking in
I don't have a whole lot to report. I went for labs yesterday. Typically, my RE does the vaginal suppositories for progesterone, so he doesn't check levels. However, I am special and am on PIO, which CAN be reflected in blood levels. I asked him for them, and I think because he's tired of me overworrying and knows this will give me peace of mind, he obliged. He also drew my thyroid labs for Dr. KK, saving me another needle stick. My p4(progesterone) came back at 31.9, which he said was enough to get the job done, considering Im also on the crinone. So that was great. my TSH on the other hand, is deciding to get all nuts at 3.13. I have an email in for the NP. I'm assuming we will increase my synthroid dose.
I will be the first to admit that I am a chronic googler. In our past 2 cycles, I am guilty of googling every twinge and funny feeling. I caught myself starting to do it last night with the p4 level. Then I stopped, reminding myself that the RE said it was fine. We drew the lab for peace of mind, and he said it was okay, so I need to believe that. And just like that, I didn't feel the need to keep googling. Very not me. We will file that under "things that are different this cycle." Remember when I said that I gave all my HPTs to DH to hide? Well, somehow I missed a stash under my bathroom cabinet in our room. But even knowing they are there, I haven't taken them. I'm enjoying the ignorance. I always stressed out with the HPTs. Not this time.
I have noticed that I think I'm noticing more symptoms with the PIO. I'm noticing things taste funny, still bloated, twinging/small cramps in the ute area, bigger boobs(dh says Im crazy, but my bra feels fuller). I know all of this can be from the PIO though. Lets hope it continues though. DH has been rockin the PIO. We've had one that hurt a lot, but I think we've troubleshooted it. Im so proud of him.
I've been trying to be normal during this 2ww as well. I go back to work monday, and yesterday I was off bedrest, so I ran errands. Originally I was going to go walk on the treadmill at the gym, but changed my mind. I want to be as active as I can be, but do so safely, since in the past, I stayed very low profile. I don't think that helps my bloodflow. So today I have acupuncture, then therapy. After that, we are meeting some friends that are in town and heading to Navy Pier. I think the walking around down there should be okay. This also means doing PIO in the parking garage, since DH can't come in the bathroom with me. This should be interesting. If needed, I'll just drop trou in the food court. I have no shame anymore. ha ha ha
I will be the first to admit that I am a chronic googler. In our past 2 cycles, I am guilty of googling every twinge and funny feeling. I caught myself starting to do it last night with the p4 level. Then I stopped, reminding myself that the RE said it was fine. We drew the lab for peace of mind, and he said it was okay, so I need to believe that. And just like that, I didn't feel the need to keep googling. Very not me. We will file that under "things that are different this cycle." Remember when I said that I gave all my HPTs to DH to hide? Well, somehow I missed a stash under my bathroom cabinet in our room. But even knowing they are there, I haven't taken them. I'm enjoying the ignorance. I always stressed out with the HPTs. Not this time.
I have noticed that I think I'm noticing more symptoms with the PIO. I'm noticing things taste funny, still bloated, twinging/small cramps in the ute area, bigger boobs(dh says Im crazy, but my bra feels fuller). I know all of this can be from the PIO though. Lets hope it continues though. DH has been rockin the PIO. We've had one that hurt a lot, but I think we've troubleshooted it. Im so proud of him.
I've been trying to be normal during this 2ww as well. I go back to work monday, and yesterday I was off bedrest, so I ran errands. Originally I was going to go walk on the treadmill at the gym, but changed my mind. I want to be as active as I can be, but do so safely, since in the past, I stayed very low profile. I don't think that helps my bloodflow. So today I have acupuncture, then therapy. After that, we are meeting some friends that are in town and heading to Navy Pier. I think the walking around down there should be okay. This also means doing PIO in the parking garage, since DH can't come in the bathroom with me. This should be interesting. If needed, I'll just drop trou in the food court. I have no shame anymore. ha ha ha
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Frosties!!!!!
First thing's first. These are our sweet embies we transferred yesterday. The RE drew an outline of my uterus, then circled the embryos. The little white arrow is pointing to them. I can't stop looking at them. I think I will frame this photo along with those matching fortunes we got and put them in the nursery.
So, I have been waiting for a call from the embryologist all morning. It turns out, she called DH instead. He text me after she called to let me know.....you might want to sit down.....are you sitting? WE HAVE 3 FROSTIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have never had anything make it to freeze before! That means 2 things. 1. If this cycle works, we might not need to do another fresh cycle for more kids. and 2. if it doesn't work, I don't have to do another fresh cycle yet!!!!! Either way, it's amazing and I couldn't be more excited! This must mean that my egg quality must have improved. I think I can relax about donor eggs for awhile.
I started the estrogen patches today. I've noticed that between 2 time a day lovenox, 1 time a day pio and a patch i need to wear, I dont have much spare space. My belly is still bruised from the Lovenox before retrieval, so I've been trying to avoid those spots. I did notice little drops of blood on the bedsheets. Turns out that my old injection site from last night was still oozing. Weird! I'm sure that's normal though. I go in for a thyroid and progesterone check tomorrow, so I will also ask how far the embryos made it before freezing. I'm still so excited, and really starting to think about what happens if this works!
Embryo transfer #3
Yesterday was our embryo transfer. That makes another 5dt for us! I was so excited! I'm fairly certain that we were the first transfer of the day. My instructions went like this: hold 6am dose of crinone. Eat a light breakfast. Empty bladder at 6:30, then take valium and hit the road. Arrive by 7am at clinic and start drinking water. Transfer at 7:30. Well, my nursing bladder didn't go along with that plan. I had to drink more water. As I was doing so, the embryologist herself came out to talk to us. Usually it's just the RE. She told us that of our original 9 embryos, 6 were still going strong. 2 of them were fully expanded blasts (which were what we chose to transfer), and 4 were early blasts. She said she'd watch them another day and if they still looked good, and had caught up to the others, she could freeze them. I almost cried.
It was finally time to go back to the transfer. We changed into our booties and gowns and in we went. I like that they keep the room dim. I think the embryos like it too, but for me it's more relaxing. I got my legs strapped into the giant stirrups and waited. When the RE came in, he made a comment about how he thinks we found the right drug cocktail for us. At first I thought he meant because I was so happy (partially from the valium), but later I realized he must have meant the protocol we used for stimming. I think he's right. The change in protocol helped. Along with everything else we did differently.
Next came all the prep. get the ultrasound ready, squash the bladder, insert speculum and clean. check! I did have some minor cramping, but I think it was because of the speculum. It stopped before he actually did the transfer. The whole thing took less than 20 minutes. By far the least uncomfortable transfer we've had. I got to use the bedpan, then hang out lying there for about 20 minutes or so. We got the ceremonious "first baby(ies) photo. I'm scheduled for beta on 8/2. Thankfully I am off that day. The past 2 cycles, I've had to work. Everything is different this time!
DH and I spent the rest of the day together. We went to see Despicable Me 2 (babies first movie) and to pick up his coronet. By then, I was ready to hit the couch and was having some cramping. I spent the rest of the night taking it easy. DH even made a yummy dinner of stuffed peppers. I restarted Lovenox injections as well and now will be doing them 2 times a day. Fun!! PIO hasn't gone too badly, and I have started letting DH do them. He's done so well, even when yesterday's stung pretty bad. I'm so proud of him.
It was finally time to go back to the transfer. We changed into our booties and gowns and in we went. I like that they keep the room dim. I think the embryos like it too, but for me it's more relaxing. I got my legs strapped into the giant stirrups and waited. When the RE came in, he made a comment about how he thinks we found the right drug cocktail for us. At first I thought he meant because I was so happy (partially from the valium), but later I realized he must have meant the protocol we used for stimming. I think he's right. The change in protocol helped. Along with everything else we did differently.
Next came all the prep. get the ultrasound ready, squash the bladder, insert speculum and clean. check! I did have some minor cramping, but I think it was because of the speculum. It stopped before he actually did the transfer. The whole thing took less than 20 minutes. By far the least uncomfortable transfer we've had. I got to use the bedpan, then hang out lying there for about 20 minutes or so. We got the ceremonious "first baby(ies) photo. I'm scheduled for beta on 8/2. Thankfully I am off that day. The past 2 cycles, I've had to work. Everything is different this time!
DH and I spent the rest of the day together. We went to see Despicable Me 2 (babies first movie) and to pick up his coronet. By then, I was ready to hit the couch and was having some cramping. I spent the rest of the night taking it easy. DH even made a yummy dinner of stuffed peppers. I restarted Lovenox injections as well and now will be doing them 2 times a day. Fun!! PIO hasn't gone too badly, and I have started letting DH do them. He's done so well, even when yesterday's stung pretty bad. I'm so proud of him.
How I spent my Tuesday
That, folks, is my IVIg infusion.
I started my day with my final acupuncture session before our transfer, then headed over to Dr. Kwak-Kim's office for my first IVIg infusion. Needless to say, there was some downtime between appointments, so I was able to have some lunch and check in at work to give them the schedule I wanted to sign up for. They finally took me back, along with 2 other women. I was the only one not yet pregnant, so that was reassuring. We each got an infusion room, which was about the size of an exam room, but had a huge overstuffed recliner and an IV pole. The nurse came in with tylenol and benedryl for all of us. It's standard protocol to premedicate to help ward off allergic reactions. You should have seen all the consents I had to sign before hand too. Honestly that made me a little nervous.
The nurse came back in, took a set of vitals, and started my IV. It hurt, but possibly because she used the same vein we did for my retrieval. She got to work setting up the infusion and soon we were on our way. I think we started running it at 1:30, and I was done around 4. I got to just sit and hang out. I read and played candy crush the whole time. Not too bad. Occasionally it would burn a little, but not at all as bad as I thought. When I was done, they took out my IV, and advised me to drink as much as possible to ward off feeling bad later and to take tylenol and benedryl if I needed to. I may have gotten a little bit of a headache over the next couple days, but took tylenol as soon as I thought one was starting. Hopefully the infusion helped to quiet down those NK cells and cytokines.
Here's some more information on NK cells and IVIg use. http://haveababy.com/fertility-information/ivf-authority/ivig-intralipid-therapy-in-ivf-natural-killer-cell-activity-for-diagnosis-and-treatment/
Monday, July 22, 2013
Fert report and weekend update
No, Tina Fey is not writing this entry, though I'm sure if she did, it'd be much more comical. It's been an eventful past few days. Saturday I woke up not feeling too bad, which always surprises me after a retrieval. I procrastinated around the house, waiting for the RE to call with our fert report. Finally I had to get in the shower or I'd be late for acupuncture. Wouldn't you know it, as soon as I got my hair wet, the RE was calling. I dashed to the phone, but it went to voicemail before I could get it. I tried to call back but the RE must have been the only on in the office. His voicemail said hed call back, so I got back in the shower. well, wouldn't you know, it happened again. Only this time I only heard the voicemail ring. Apparently, the RE didn't want to play phone tag with me anymore and left the fert report on my voicemail. I might just save the message forever.
So, here is our fert report. We retrieved 14 eggs and did ICSI split on them (where they do ICSI on half, and natural fertilization on half). Of our 7 eggs we ICSI'ed, 6 were mature and 5 fertilized. Of our 7 natural fertilization, 5 were mature, and 4 fertilized. In total, we have 9 embryos and are planning for a 5dt on Weds! I am so elated. our fertilization rate is 81%!!! With IVF#2, it was only 66% and 71% with IVF#1. I can't help but be excited!
After that, I ran to acupuncture and to old navy to attempt to find something to wear for a get together I was going to that night. Thanks to my bloat, nothing really looked right. I found a top that was a little forgiving in the belly, so that worked out. I'll tell you though, I thought I was feeling good, but that trip kinda wore me out. I came home, had some lunch and took it easy till it was time to get ready to go out. I met up with my IFBFF who drove us downtown to meet up with some fellow IF ladies from a facebook group we're a part of. As soon as we got to the restaurant, we needed to duck into the bathroom because this wonderful friend of mine was going to do my first PIO injection. Let me paint the scene for you.
We're in the handicap stall of a pizza place, tons of other ladies in the bathroom. All they can hear is my friend telling me to "drop trou" and to bend over and grab the bar. I keep repeating that I feel like I'm gonna throw up. She does the shot and I don't even feel it(till the next morning at least)! She is a true friend.
The evening was tons of fun. I met lots of new people and it was nice to be able to be myself, crazy IF brain and all. I had been on the fence about going since I had my retrieval the day before, but I'm really glad I went. I think I needed that. Plus those women know what we're going through and care about how things are going for us. It's so nice to have that kind of support, and from relative strangers no less.
Sunday, we slept in and DH made me eggs for breakfast. I've been trying really hard to up my protein to help with all this bloating. The 2 days of eating carbs didn't help, so when my weight was up 7 lbs from pre retrieval, I was a little concerned but wanted to factor diet in too. Plus the papers from the RE say 5 lb gain in a day, and mine was 3 lbs one day 4 lbs the next. So I alternated water and protein powder with almond milk all day. We ran to Menards and the grocery store. It was nice to get out of the house and spend some time together. By the end of grocery shopping, I was wiped out, and hanging on the cart due to discomfort. I was also pretty irritable, which I'd like to blame on the progesterone. We came home, put everything away and I headed for the couch.
MY IFBFF was planning to come over to show DH how to do my PIO shot around 6, so I text her and instead of coming over, we decided to double date and go to dinner. Our DHs hadn't met yet, so I was excited. We went to their house first for the shot, so DH didn't have to try to bust into the ladies bathroom at the restaurant. She walked him through step by step, and again, no pain. I really think I should just keep her on retainer for these shots. We went to dinner and hung out with them a little afterwards and really had a great time. On the way home, DH was asking about the shots. It's very clear he's nervous. I keep stressing it's like throwing a dart and once he's through the skin, not to stop. He said he'd watch some you tube videos. It's hard for him not being into medical stuff at all, and even harder for me to let go of control. Who knows, maybe our relationship needed this test, like a team building exercise. ha ha.
Today, I am waiting to hear what time we go on Weds. from the RE and to hear from the RI about the IVIg I'm supposed to have done tomorrow. The nurse on Friday said there might be an issue getting it from the pharmacy. I'm trying not to worry about that, but I'll be seriously pissed if I drive up there tomorrow and it's not there. Plus I had to rearrange my acupuncture to make it work out. I sent a message to the nurse practitioner through the portal, so hopefully I'll hear something today.
Overall, I feel good. I've noticed that since starting the PIO that I've had some more negative ideas pop in my head, but I think that's from the PIO. I'm walking a thin line between being excited and optimistic and afraid to get too excited because I know it can still not work. I can't wait to hear how our embryos are doing!
So, here is our fert report. We retrieved 14 eggs and did ICSI split on them (where they do ICSI on half, and natural fertilization on half). Of our 7 eggs we ICSI'ed, 6 were mature and 5 fertilized. Of our 7 natural fertilization, 5 were mature, and 4 fertilized. In total, we have 9 embryos and are planning for a 5dt on Weds! I am so elated. our fertilization rate is 81%!!! With IVF#2, it was only 66% and 71% with IVF#1. I can't help but be excited!
After that, I ran to acupuncture and to old navy to attempt to find something to wear for a get together I was going to that night. Thanks to my bloat, nothing really looked right. I found a top that was a little forgiving in the belly, so that worked out. I'll tell you though, I thought I was feeling good, but that trip kinda wore me out. I came home, had some lunch and took it easy till it was time to get ready to go out. I met up with my IFBFF who drove us downtown to meet up with some fellow IF ladies from a facebook group we're a part of. As soon as we got to the restaurant, we needed to duck into the bathroom because this wonderful friend of mine was going to do my first PIO injection. Let me paint the scene for you.
We're in the handicap stall of a pizza place, tons of other ladies in the bathroom. All they can hear is my friend telling me to "drop trou" and to bend over and grab the bar. I keep repeating that I feel like I'm gonna throw up. She does the shot and I don't even feel it(till the next morning at least)! She is a true friend.
The evening was tons of fun. I met lots of new people and it was nice to be able to be myself, crazy IF brain and all. I had been on the fence about going since I had my retrieval the day before, but I'm really glad I went. I think I needed that. Plus those women know what we're going through and care about how things are going for us. It's so nice to have that kind of support, and from relative strangers no less.
Sunday, we slept in and DH made me eggs for breakfast. I've been trying really hard to up my protein to help with all this bloating. The 2 days of eating carbs didn't help, so when my weight was up 7 lbs from pre retrieval, I was a little concerned but wanted to factor diet in too. Plus the papers from the RE say 5 lb gain in a day, and mine was 3 lbs one day 4 lbs the next. So I alternated water and protein powder with almond milk all day. We ran to Menards and the grocery store. It was nice to get out of the house and spend some time together. By the end of grocery shopping, I was wiped out, and hanging on the cart due to discomfort. I was also pretty irritable, which I'd like to blame on the progesterone. We came home, put everything away and I headed for the couch.
MY IFBFF was planning to come over to show DH how to do my PIO shot around 6, so I text her and instead of coming over, we decided to double date and go to dinner. Our DHs hadn't met yet, so I was excited. We went to their house first for the shot, so DH didn't have to try to bust into the ladies bathroom at the restaurant. She walked him through step by step, and again, no pain. I really think I should just keep her on retainer for these shots. We went to dinner and hung out with them a little afterwards and really had a great time. On the way home, DH was asking about the shots. It's very clear he's nervous. I keep stressing it's like throwing a dart and once he's through the skin, not to stop. He said he'd watch some you tube videos. It's hard for him not being into medical stuff at all, and even harder for me to let go of control. Who knows, maybe our relationship needed this test, like a team building exercise. ha ha.
Today, I am waiting to hear what time we go on Weds. from the RE and to hear from the RI about the IVIg I'm supposed to have done tomorrow. The nurse on Friday said there might be an issue getting it from the pharmacy. I'm trying not to worry about that, but I'll be seriously pissed if I drive up there tomorrow and it's not there. Plus I had to rearrange my acupuncture to make it work out. I sent a message to the nurse practitioner through the portal, so hopefully I'll hear something today.
Overall, I feel good. I've noticed that since starting the PIO that I've had some more negative ideas pop in my head, but I think that's from the PIO. I'm walking a thin line between being excited and optimistic and afraid to get too excited because I know it can still not work. I can't wait to hear how our embryos are doing!
Friday, July 19, 2013
Fortunes
I have been so good on my low carb diet that I asked dh for Chinese for dinner. These were our fortunes. Yes they are the same and yes I think its a sign! Someone do a happy dance w me!
Egg retrieval day!
Well, today was the day! Our egg retrieval. As instructed, last night I stopped eating and drinking at 10pm. We were to show up at the clinic at 9. They took dh back for his contribution first. I unintentionally told him to have fun. Most awkward thing I've said in that office so far. They also have a new "men at work" sign to hang on the door. Cue snickers.
Next was my turn. My favorite nurse took me back to go over instructions for after. I changed into my paper gown, hat and booties and waited. Finally they moved me to the procedure room, I got my iv and it was time to sleep.
I woke up maybe half an hour later and they moved me to recovery. My nurse left to find out how many eggs we got. It seemed like a lifetime before she came back. We got 14 eggs!! More than we anticipated! The re poked his head in, seemed happy with himself and said he'll call me tomorrow w a fert report. They are planning to do an icsi split if we have at least mature eggs. We are also planning for a 5day transfer as long as things look okay.
Overall, I feel good. A little sore, but nothing like I expected. I've been hanging out watching movies all day anyways. I start pio shots and crinone tomorrow. Oh boy!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Locked and loaded
So we triggered last night at 10pm. I'm officially done w stims and done with shots until Sunday when I start pio. This is a photo of the aftermath. I'll apologize because my belly is very bloated and no those are not freckles.
The re ended up calling me yesterday evening to tell me to change my trigger dose to a half dose. Apparently it helps to reduce my risk for ohss. I asked about my e2 level, since it'd only been 1200 on Monday. Get ready for this. 2546! No wonder I was having all those meltdowns yesterday. I also asked what he thinks we can anticipate egg wise. He thinks around 11, give or take. That'd put this er in the middle of the other 2. I'm hoping for enough to get us to a 5dt again, and hopefully some to freeze. I also told him I was worried that I stimmed the longest this time. He told me that he's not worried and this is typical for women on lupron protocols. I did feel a bit better after that.
I still haven't heard back from Dr kks office about getting me preauthorized for ivig. Its irritating that this all happened last minute but it is what it is.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Letters I'll never send
My therapist encouraged me to write letters to people, regardless of if I'd send them. The goal is to help me let go of feelings I harbor. Since I've have so much building anxiety, I thought now might be a good time to write them. Some people I'll refer to by name, others I won't.
Dear J,
I don't thank you often enough for everything you do. You give me support when I need it the most. I know we have had our tough times, and we don't always see eye to eye on the plan, but that has never stopped us from accomplishing our common goals. With you by my side, anything is possible, and everything will be alright. I love our life together. I am sorry for the times I've failed you and I know I've let you down. I am truly blessed to have you in my life. I know that no matter the outcome of the next couple weeks, we will face it together and hopefully begin a new chapter of our life together.
Love always,
M
Dear Mom,
I've struggled with the words to tell you how I feel for quite some time now. I know that most of what you say and do is done out of love. I can't imagine it's easy to have two children at two opposite ends of the spectrum. One expecting a child and the other struggling with possibly never having a child. While I can appreciate the excitement you feel for your soon to be grandson, your lack of restraint about those feelings around me hurt more than I think you realize. I don't want to know what you bought him, or listen to you gush about him. I love him too, but somedays it hurts too much to know I might never be able to give you that. I feel that you bullied me into hosting the baby shower. I told you from the start I wasnt even sure I'd be able to handle going. I needed you to respect that, instead of making me feel bad or unsupportive of my family. If anyone needs support right now, it's me. Yet I can't even tell you that we're going through this cycle because you don't know how to be supportive without getting your feelings bent out of shape when I ask for privacy. I know how contradictory that sounds, but there are some things I need privacy for.
I get angry that you give all the love and support I need to my sibling and seem to have little to no regard for my feelings. I don't want to resent you or our relationship to suffer, but I can see it happening. Our relationship has been strained since Dad died, but I don't think you see it that way. I worry that because this has effected our relationship, if I have children, your relationship with them will be effected as well. I worry that with the way you don't take care of your health, you might not be around to see me have children. I also worry that you are preventing yourself from finding happiness again. I know dad was your first love. Just because he's gone, doesn't mean you cant be happy again. He would want that.
Love,
Your sweet pea
Dear D&J,
I am sorry I haven't been more involved in the goings on of your pregnancy. I know it may seem that I am just being jealous or selfish. Somedays it just hurts, but not for the reasons you may think. I love you both, and I love your son more than you'll probably understand. I am thankful you didn't need to travel down the same road we did. I am thankful that you don't have to experience this. The only thing I can think of worse than having to do this myself is if you two would have had to. Please be patient with me. I am trying. It's okay to ask me about how our treatments are going. It makes me feel like you care and support us. I desperately need that support and love. Please dont shut me out.
Love
M
Dearest sweet baby,
How do I write a letter to someone I don't know yet? I'm your mom. I want you to know how much I've prayed for you and how much I love you. You are already loved more than you know. I am not a perfect person. Far from it, in fact. I have made a lot of mistakes and dumb choices in my life. The best choice I ever made was trying for you. I'll never regret anything I've done that lead me to you. A day will never go by that you don't know how much you are loved. Daddy and I are praying so hard that you decide to stay with us.
Love always and forever,
Mommy
Dear Me,
This is the most difficult letter I've had to write. It's okay to feel hopeful. Just because you've suffered failure and loss in the past, doesn't mean you can't be happy and optimistic for what could happen. Don't let past experiences hinder the present. You also need to forgive yourself. People are young and they make mistakes. What matters is that you learn from them and not repeat them. It doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be a mother or that you are being punished. Stop living in the past. Look forward and be excited for the unknown.
Love Me
Dear J,
I don't thank you often enough for everything you do. You give me support when I need it the most. I know we have had our tough times, and we don't always see eye to eye on the plan, but that has never stopped us from accomplishing our common goals. With you by my side, anything is possible, and everything will be alright. I love our life together. I am sorry for the times I've failed you and I know I've let you down. I am truly blessed to have you in my life. I know that no matter the outcome of the next couple weeks, we will face it together and hopefully begin a new chapter of our life together.
Love always,
M
Dear Mom,
I've struggled with the words to tell you how I feel for quite some time now. I know that most of what you say and do is done out of love. I can't imagine it's easy to have two children at two opposite ends of the spectrum. One expecting a child and the other struggling with possibly never having a child. While I can appreciate the excitement you feel for your soon to be grandson, your lack of restraint about those feelings around me hurt more than I think you realize. I don't want to know what you bought him, or listen to you gush about him. I love him too, but somedays it hurts too much to know I might never be able to give you that. I feel that you bullied me into hosting the baby shower. I told you from the start I wasnt even sure I'd be able to handle going. I needed you to respect that, instead of making me feel bad or unsupportive of my family. If anyone needs support right now, it's me. Yet I can't even tell you that we're going through this cycle because you don't know how to be supportive without getting your feelings bent out of shape when I ask for privacy. I know how contradictory that sounds, but there are some things I need privacy for.
I get angry that you give all the love and support I need to my sibling and seem to have little to no regard for my feelings. I don't want to resent you or our relationship to suffer, but I can see it happening. Our relationship has been strained since Dad died, but I don't think you see it that way. I worry that because this has effected our relationship, if I have children, your relationship with them will be effected as well. I worry that with the way you don't take care of your health, you might not be around to see me have children. I also worry that you are preventing yourself from finding happiness again. I know dad was your first love. Just because he's gone, doesn't mean you cant be happy again. He would want that.
Love,
Your sweet pea
Dear D&J,
I am sorry I haven't been more involved in the goings on of your pregnancy. I know it may seem that I am just being jealous or selfish. Somedays it just hurts, but not for the reasons you may think. I love you both, and I love your son more than you'll probably understand. I am thankful you didn't need to travel down the same road we did. I am thankful that you don't have to experience this. The only thing I can think of worse than having to do this myself is if you two would have had to. Please be patient with me. I am trying. It's okay to ask me about how our treatments are going. It makes me feel like you care and support us. I desperately need that support and love. Please dont shut me out.
Love
M
Dearest sweet baby,
How do I write a letter to someone I don't know yet? I'm your mom. I want you to know how much I've prayed for you and how much I love you. You are already loved more than you know. I am not a perfect person. Far from it, in fact. I have made a lot of mistakes and dumb choices in my life. The best choice I ever made was trying for you. I'll never regret anything I've done that lead me to you. A day will never go by that you don't know how much you are loved. Daddy and I are praying so hard that you decide to stay with us.
Love always and forever,
Mommy
Dear Me,
This is the most difficult letter I've had to write. It's okay to feel hopeful. Just because you've suffered failure and loss in the past, doesn't mean you can't be happy and optimistic for what could happen. Don't let past experiences hinder the present. You also need to forgive yourself. People are young and they make mistakes. What matters is that you learn from them and not repeat them. It doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be a mother or that you are being punished. Stop living in the past. Look forward and be excited for the unknown.
Love Me
Pulling the trigger
I had my final monitoring appointment this morning. Yep. That's right, I said final. I have at least 3 follies in the 18-22 mm range, so I was given the green light to trigger tonight. I've been so focused on that right ovary, and it seems like I have 3 good contenders on that side. I watched as my nurse wrote measurement after measurement in my chart. Honestly, I didn't really count. Maybe part of me wants a surprise friday, or maybe I'm just afraid to get my hopes up. My lining dipped from a 10 to an 8, but I still have time before transfer to get it back up. I'm trying not to worry about it.
It's ER week at the office, so my RE has been around more than usual during monitoring. That always throws me off. I think my nurse tells me more details when he's not around. They gave me my trigger instructions after going back & forth over using a half vs whole dose. I said, let's do the whole thing, I can take it. That brought out a little smirk from the RE-a rare feat. He agreed to the whole dose, but said it was dependent on my E2 level today. If it skyrocketed, then I'll have to take a half dose to avoid putting me at risk for OHSS. I definitely don't want that. With my E2 level being 1200 on Monday, I don't think that I'll have to worry about it. Typically, around this time, I'm very weepy and anxious. I blame the rising E2 level. I haven't been as "unstable" as I have been in the past, so I think I'm seeing more of a steady rise. Slow and steady rise and growth is best for egg quality, or so that's what I keep telling myself.
Speaking of feeling unstable, I had a complete panic attack yesterday. Again, I blame the hormones, but it was horrible. I started worrying about my egg quality, since I've been stimming longer than normal. That lead to me worrying about the fact that my NK cells and cytokines are elevated. Which lead to me worrying if insurance will cover IVIg. Which lead to worrying about the cycle failing and what we'd do from there. My therapist would have yelled at me for letting my thoughts get that out of control. In my defense, I did try to control it. I took a bath with my favorite bath bomb from Lush, I listened to about 3 guided imagery recordings and nothing! Finally I mentioned it to my acupuncturist and he did a few more points that are supposed to help with anxiety. And you know what? It DID! He also showed me some pressure points and tips for when I'm not in his office. It was wonderful.
I think it's normal to be apprehensive at this time. I wish I was all sunshine and rainbows, like I was with the first IVF. I wish I had that ignorance of what failure feels like. I know being negative wont help us have success. We've spent the past 2.5 years having failure after failure. It's hard to try to find that optimism. I felt it after my appointment last friday. I need to keep reminding myself of all the good changes. If this one fails, it won't be for lack on trying, that's for damn sure. Granted, that won't make failure any easier. I think part of me wants to be happy and excited and believe this will work this time. However, another part of me is so afraid of the failure that it makes me hold back, as if to protect myself. I have to wonder if my fear is holding me back.
It's ER week at the office, so my RE has been around more than usual during monitoring. That always throws me off. I think my nurse tells me more details when he's not around. They gave me my trigger instructions after going back & forth over using a half vs whole dose. I said, let's do the whole thing, I can take it. That brought out a little smirk from the RE-a rare feat. He agreed to the whole dose, but said it was dependent on my E2 level today. If it skyrocketed, then I'll have to take a half dose to avoid putting me at risk for OHSS. I definitely don't want that. With my E2 level being 1200 on Monday, I don't think that I'll have to worry about it. Typically, around this time, I'm very weepy and anxious. I blame the rising E2 level. I haven't been as "unstable" as I have been in the past, so I think I'm seeing more of a steady rise. Slow and steady rise and growth is best for egg quality, or so that's what I keep telling myself.
Speaking of feeling unstable, I had a complete panic attack yesterday. Again, I blame the hormones, but it was horrible. I started worrying about my egg quality, since I've been stimming longer than normal. That lead to me worrying about the fact that my NK cells and cytokines are elevated. Which lead to me worrying if insurance will cover IVIg. Which lead to worrying about the cycle failing and what we'd do from there. My therapist would have yelled at me for letting my thoughts get that out of control. In my defense, I did try to control it. I took a bath with my favorite bath bomb from Lush, I listened to about 3 guided imagery recordings and nothing! Finally I mentioned it to my acupuncturist and he did a few more points that are supposed to help with anxiety. And you know what? It DID! He also showed me some pressure points and tips for when I'm not in his office. It was wonderful.
I think it's normal to be apprehensive at this time. I wish I was all sunshine and rainbows, like I was with the first IVF. I wish I had that ignorance of what failure feels like. I know being negative wont help us have success. We've spent the past 2.5 years having failure after failure. It's hard to try to find that optimism. I felt it after my appointment last friday. I need to keep reminding myself of all the good changes. If this one fails, it won't be for lack on trying, that's for damn sure. Granted, that won't make failure any easier. I think part of me wants to be happy and excited and believe this will work this time. However, another part of me is so afraid of the failure that it makes me hold back, as if to protect myself. I have to wonder if my fear is holding me back.
I mean, honestly, what do I have to lose? I've seen failure. I sat in the room that would be our nursery(assuming we'd have one baby) and imagined sitting there, rocking my sweet baby in a rocking chair, singing them to sleep. Furniture layed out perfectly, sunlight streaming in the windows. I can see it. I haven't lost hope of having that. Its that image that gets me through the bad days.
I'd like to put the plea out to ask for good thoughts and prayers for us over the next few days. I'd appreciate it. I know I've never prayed harder in my life. Thanks everyone!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Day 10 update
I just got back from monitoring. My lead follicle is at 17mm on the left. The largest on the right is 12 (that's right, it went from 9 on saturday to 12 today!) My nurse feels I have at least 7 that'll be good, although, I have a bunch of small ones that may catch up. My lining is 10.4 and triple striped, so I'm good there so far. I go back for another round of monitoring Weds, so I hold the course till then unless the RE calls. I'm thinking I'll probably trigger weds for a Friday retrieval. It's getting so close!!!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Hopeful
Hello blogworld! It's been a busy past couple days, so let me recap by the day.
Friday: Went for monitoring, bright and early. DH took the day off to spend some time with me, and to use a vacation day he would lose if he didn't use. On ultrasound, we saw that my follicles are still chugging along, although that right side is still lagging behind. The great news is that there are more follicles, 7 on the left, 5 on the right. My lining was a 7, which is right where they want to see it for day 7 of stims. All in all a pretty great appt. I learned Saturday that my E2 level was in the 400s. kinda low, but I have a lot of little follies so it lines up.
After Monitoring, DH & I jumped back in my trusty jeep and high tailed it 1.5 hours north to Vernon Hills to go for our followup ultrasound w Dr. KK. We made it there about 15 min before my appt time, which was perfect because it was time for my shots. We can now add the bathroom there to my list of weird places Ive shot up. When I came out, the ultrasound tech was waiting for me. We got down to business and the ultrasound was pretty quick. She remeasured a few of my follies and the lining, and was a touch more generous in sizing than my REs nurse. We repeated the doppler to check the flow and seemed happy with what she saw. When she was done, I put my pants back on and we waited for the nurse practitioner.
Margaret (the NP) came to meet with us and review all our results. (why am I saying we & our? lets face it, it's my results. No one touched DH lol) We started with the ultrasound. If you remember, on the initial ultrasound, I had restricted blood flow to my uterus and left ovary with no blood flow to zone 3 (the implantation layer). Well, guess what folks! I have bloodflow in normal range now and adequate bloodflow in zone 3!!! I could have cried! Those bruises from the lovenox are totally worth it! Next we talked about labs. My thyroid is now 0.78. That's crazy! They want to check it next week, so hopefully my RE can just add it on to one of the monitoring appts. My NK cells and cytokines are still elevated. She suggested we try IVIG, but we are unsure if insurance will cover it. They will work to see if insurance will cover it. If they will, I'll do that too. If not, it's 2-3 thousand dollars not counting the time for the infusion. So I don't think we'll pursue it. In the meantime, they doubled my prednisone dose, saying that was a good other option. It'd be different if she told me that IVIG is necessary, then we'd do it & figure it out later. She just said it'd be a good tool to use, but the increased prednisone will be helpful too. We reviewed what medications I'm on, she gave me instructions on how to manage the lovenox around the ER and told me to increase it to 2 times a day after the transfer. Oh joy, even once I'm done with stims, I'll still be on 3 shots a day. She also advised me to do 1ml of PIO after retrieval in addition to the crinone. Overall, great appts. DH & I spent the rest of the day floating around in his parents pool, since the live about 15 minutes away from Dr. KKs office.
Saturday: Early morning monitoring again. The ultrasound revealed my 7 follies on the left, with the largest one being 14 mm. The big surprise was that that right side now has 11 follies, ranging from 6-9 mm. The nurse feels that we'll be looking at a friday retrieval. We want at least 3 follies around 20 mm before we trigger, so there's still time for that right side. If I can get some on the right to about 14-16 mm by the time we trigger, they'll probably be good for ER. After that, I went to the local Revolve meeting. It felt so good to go especially since I missed the previous 2 for work. From there I made a mad dash for acupuncture. I ended up being late thanks to bad traffic. I hate being late, they they werent upset. My session was so relaxing! After that, I dashed back home to assemble a fruit tart to take to my brother's house. He was BBQing for my mom's birthday.
Lately, the family get togethers have caused some anxiety, with my sister in law being 26 weeks pregnant and my mom being less than supportive of our struggles. It was okay for the most part. Sometimes it's hard to swallow the excitement between the 3 of them. They opted to tell mom the baby's name yesterday, since she bought their furniture and they had set up the nursery. I'm genuinely very happy for them, but honestly, it was kind of difficult to go in the nursery. I tried to crack a few jokes about putting up a huge canvas photo of me in there, but there was a part of me that just ached.
Today is dedicated to relaxing, cleaning up the house and preparing for the week ahead. My mom is coming over tomorrow after I get home from monitoring to talk strategy for the baby shower. She has no idea we're doing this IVF cycle. I figure that if we hammer out some details and I can give her some tasks to accomplish, maybe that'll buy me some time to get past the ER without having to talk to her. I know that sounds bad, but trust me, I think it's the best thing for me at this point. I love her to death, but she doesn't offer the support I need.
After all the appts the past couple days, I've finally begun to feel hopeful and excited. We have all these improvements and great outcomes. I really feel like we have an amazing chance of success. Also, it might just be strange coincidence but it seems like everytime i get in the car to go to an IF related appt, there are positive songs on the radio. Songs I usually use to pump me up, or get me in the right mindset. I think it's a sign. Wanna know what's been playing? Check out the lyrics and tell me it's not a sign lol.
Try-Pink
Don't you worry child-Sweedish house Mafia
Lose yourself-eminem (ok, I know that one it weird, but I used to use this one to pump myself before a performance/audition when I was a vocal major)
Stay-Rihanna
there are a bunch of country songs too, but I can't think of their names right now. I blame the meds. I think they're making me dumb. Pretty soon my entries will be 2 sentences long. Symptom wise, as of last night, I have fairly constant bloating, an occasional cramp. Hot flashes, irritable, tired, increased CM (my E2 must be climbing!) and a low grade headache. I say Bring it!
Friday: Went for monitoring, bright and early. DH took the day off to spend some time with me, and to use a vacation day he would lose if he didn't use. On ultrasound, we saw that my follicles are still chugging along, although that right side is still lagging behind. The great news is that there are more follicles, 7 on the left, 5 on the right. My lining was a 7, which is right where they want to see it for day 7 of stims. All in all a pretty great appt. I learned Saturday that my E2 level was in the 400s. kinda low, but I have a lot of little follies so it lines up.
After Monitoring, DH & I jumped back in my trusty jeep and high tailed it 1.5 hours north to Vernon Hills to go for our followup ultrasound w Dr. KK. We made it there about 15 min before my appt time, which was perfect because it was time for my shots. We can now add the bathroom there to my list of weird places Ive shot up. When I came out, the ultrasound tech was waiting for me. We got down to business and the ultrasound was pretty quick. She remeasured a few of my follies and the lining, and was a touch more generous in sizing than my REs nurse. We repeated the doppler to check the flow and seemed happy with what she saw. When she was done, I put my pants back on and we waited for the nurse practitioner.
Margaret (the NP) came to meet with us and review all our results. (why am I saying we & our? lets face it, it's my results. No one touched DH lol) We started with the ultrasound. If you remember, on the initial ultrasound, I had restricted blood flow to my uterus and left ovary with no blood flow to zone 3 (the implantation layer). Well, guess what folks! I have bloodflow in normal range now and adequate bloodflow in zone 3!!! I could have cried! Those bruises from the lovenox are totally worth it! Next we talked about labs. My thyroid is now 0.78. That's crazy! They want to check it next week, so hopefully my RE can just add it on to one of the monitoring appts. My NK cells and cytokines are still elevated. She suggested we try IVIG, but we are unsure if insurance will cover it. They will work to see if insurance will cover it. If they will, I'll do that too. If not, it's 2-3 thousand dollars not counting the time for the infusion. So I don't think we'll pursue it. In the meantime, they doubled my prednisone dose, saying that was a good other option. It'd be different if she told me that IVIG is necessary, then we'd do it & figure it out later. She just said it'd be a good tool to use, but the increased prednisone will be helpful too. We reviewed what medications I'm on, she gave me instructions on how to manage the lovenox around the ER and told me to increase it to 2 times a day after the transfer. Oh joy, even once I'm done with stims, I'll still be on 3 shots a day. She also advised me to do 1ml of PIO after retrieval in addition to the crinone. Overall, great appts. DH & I spent the rest of the day floating around in his parents pool, since the live about 15 minutes away from Dr. KKs office.
Saturday: Early morning monitoring again. The ultrasound revealed my 7 follies on the left, with the largest one being 14 mm. The big surprise was that that right side now has 11 follies, ranging from 6-9 mm. The nurse feels that we'll be looking at a friday retrieval. We want at least 3 follies around 20 mm before we trigger, so there's still time for that right side. If I can get some on the right to about 14-16 mm by the time we trigger, they'll probably be good for ER. After that, I went to the local Revolve meeting. It felt so good to go especially since I missed the previous 2 for work. From there I made a mad dash for acupuncture. I ended up being late thanks to bad traffic. I hate being late, they they werent upset. My session was so relaxing! After that, I dashed back home to assemble a fruit tart to take to my brother's house. He was BBQing for my mom's birthday.
Lately, the family get togethers have caused some anxiety, with my sister in law being 26 weeks pregnant and my mom being less than supportive of our struggles. It was okay for the most part. Sometimes it's hard to swallow the excitement between the 3 of them. They opted to tell mom the baby's name yesterday, since she bought their furniture and they had set up the nursery. I'm genuinely very happy for them, but honestly, it was kind of difficult to go in the nursery. I tried to crack a few jokes about putting up a huge canvas photo of me in there, but there was a part of me that just ached.
Today is dedicated to relaxing, cleaning up the house and preparing for the week ahead. My mom is coming over tomorrow after I get home from monitoring to talk strategy for the baby shower. She has no idea we're doing this IVF cycle. I figure that if we hammer out some details and I can give her some tasks to accomplish, maybe that'll buy me some time to get past the ER without having to talk to her. I know that sounds bad, but trust me, I think it's the best thing for me at this point. I love her to death, but she doesn't offer the support I need.
After all the appts the past couple days, I've finally begun to feel hopeful and excited. We have all these improvements and great outcomes. I really feel like we have an amazing chance of success. Also, it might just be strange coincidence but it seems like everytime i get in the car to go to an IF related appt, there are positive songs on the radio. Songs I usually use to pump me up, or get me in the right mindset. I think it's a sign. Wanna know what's been playing? Check out the lyrics and tell me it's not a sign lol.
Try-Pink
Don't you worry child-Sweedish house Mafia
Lose yourself-eminem (ok, I know that one it weird, but I used to use this one to pump myself before a performance/audition when I was a vocal major)
Stay-Rihanna
there are a bunch of country songs too, but I can't think of their names right now. I blame the meds. I think they're making me dumb. Pretty soon my entries will be 2 sentences long. Symptom wise, as of last night, I have fairly constant bloating, an occasional cramp. Hot flashes, irritable, tired, increased CM (my E2 must be climbing!) and a low grade headache. I say Bring it!
Lovenox 1, me 0
I was doing so well w the lovenox, then this happened. This was from late last week, now its really blue/purple. My nurses have told me its OK but to try to stay away from it. Kinda difficult when you do 4-5 shots a day.
PS don't mind my bloaty chubby belly lol
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Stims Day 5
Today is my day off. Normally I would like to try to sleep in, as much as my cats will let me at least. Then spend my day going to the gym, working on dinner plans or whatever needs to be done around the house. Instead, I got up bright and early for a day full of appts. I started out with a monitoring appointment. My "good" vein is still bruised from the lab draw with Dr. Kwak-Kim's office last week, so Kathy tried a new spot. It hurt, but it worked. Unfortunately, it's already bruising. I suppose I should blame the Lovenox for that. The ultrasound came next with Denise, my favorite nurse. To be truthful, my RE only has 1 nurse, but compared to the one I had at my old REs office, she is amazing! I was very pleasantly surprised to find that I am already surpassing my AFC. I have 3 follicles on the right and 8 on the left! I'm hoping that right side catches up a little. I can't wait to see how things look on Friday when I go back,
I also already had acupuncture today. I have a hard time relaxing sometimes during the session. I made a big effort to try to just focus on my breathing and to think about my growing follicles. I tried to picture them developing, producing eggs and becoming our children. I think I might finally be in a place where I can allow myself to get excited about the cycle. I know I was having a rough time with that. It's okay to be fearful, but I can't let that fear make me negative in my thinking. When I was at the acupuncturist, I was buying more sessions and trying to figure out how many more I'd have. The receptionist said I go 2 times a week through 7 weeks. I actually had to stop and think about what she meant. 7 weeks pregnant. By then, I'll know there is/are heartbeat(s), and will have my first ultrasound. It's hard to wrap my mind around that. After so much failure, the idea that this could work.
So, like I said, today is day 5 of stims. I started Lovenox on Monday as well. That shot hurts like I've never felt before, but if it helps, it's totally worth it. Im starting to feel a little bloated, but my weight is still decreasing (I have no idea how that works, but I'll take it!). I really haven't gotten too emotional yet, but expect to be weepy by monday or so. I have noticed I'm a bit shorter tempered and kind of forgetful. And I hot flash like crazy. Thanks a lot Lupron. I thought we were friends!
I also already had acupuncture today. I have a hard time relaxing sometimes during the session. I made a big effort to try to just focus on my breathing and to think about my growing follicles. I tried to picture them developing, producing eggs and becoming our children. I think I might finally be in a place where I can allow myself to get excited about the cycle. I know I was having a rough time with that. It's okay to be fearful, but I can't let that fear make me negative in my thinking. When I was at the acupuncturist, I was buying more sessions and trying to figure out how many more I'd have. The receptionist said I go 2 times a week through 7 weeks. I actually had to stop and think about what she meant. 7 weeks pregnant. By then, I'll know there is/are heartbeat(s), and will have my first ultrasound. It's hard to wrap my mind around that. After so much failure, the idea that this could work.
So, like I said, today is day 5 of stims. I started Lovenox on Monday as well. That shot hurts like I've never felt before, but if it helps, it's totally worth it. Im starting to feel a little bloated, but my weight is still decreasing (I have no idea how that works, but I'll take it!). I really haven't gotten too emotional yet, but expect to be weepy by monday or so. I have noticed I'm a bit shorter tempered and kind of forgetful. And I hot flash like crazy. Thanks a lot Lupron. I thought we were friends!
Monday, July 8, 2013
Sensitivity
I'd like to take a moment to talk about sensitivity. If you yourself is dealing with infertility, chances are you've gotten all the advice in the world from the fertiles. Sure, they think they're being helpful, but more than likely, that advice can illicit a gut punch reaction. That feeling that the advice is more hurtful than helpful. If you're the one giving the advice, you probably don't know how saying something seemingly innocent can affect those you're giving it to.
Recently, my dear IF BFF (infertility best friend) publicized her blog on facebook. I love her blog, so I thought it was a wonderful idea and "liked" it. Consequently, that must publicize it to all my friends. Apparently, my cousin, who tried for 3 years for their first, felt the need to message her at tell her to "change her focus" and she'd be pregnant. It's just like telling someone to relax. I felt gut punched for her, so imagine how my dear friend must of felt. I told her I would handle my cousin and apologized profusely. Now I realize why my extended family doesn't know what we're going through and why I won't make a facebook page for this blog.
I messaged my cousin and attempted to discuss things calmly with her. I told her how I am sure she didn't mean for it to, but comments like that can be very hurtful and because of her own struggle, please remember how that felt. She didn't mean to be hurtful, but continued to defend what she said. I'm sorry, but changing focus, eating right, losing weight/getting healthy doesn't always "cure" infertility (although they are wonderful things to do while trying to conceive-don't get me wrong). In all of her defense, she never mentioned what she did treatment wise to get pregnant. Maybe she didn't do anything. Far be it from me to judge anyone elses journey to parenthood, but it's hard to listen to someone say that they've been where we've been. Until you've had multiple failed IVF cycles, you really haven't been here.
During national infertility awareness week, I posted this link on my facebook. http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html I had hoped to educate friends and family that don't know how hurtful their comments can be. Maybe I need to repost it.
Recently, my dear IF BFF (infertility best friend) publicized her blog on facebook. I love her blog, so I thought it was a wonderful idea and "liked" it. Consequently, that must publicize it to all my friends. Apparently, my cousin, who tried for 3 years for their first, felt the need to message her at tell her to "change her focus" and she'd be pregnant. It's just like telling someone to relax. I felt gut punched for her, so imagine how my dear friend must of felt. I told her I would handle my cousin and apologized profusely. Now I realize why my extended family doesn't know what we're going through and why I won't make a facebook page for this blog.
I messaged my cousin and attempted to discuss things calmly with her. I told her how I am sure she didn't mean for it to, but comments like that can be very hurtful and because of her own struggle, please remember how that felt. She didn't mean to be hurtful, but continued to defend what she said. I'm sorry, but changing focus, eating right, losing weight/getting healthy doesn't always "cure" infertility (although they are wonderful things to do while trying to conceive-don't get me wrong). In all of her defense, she never mentioned what she did treatment wise to get pregnant. Maybe she didn't do anything. Far be it from me to judge anyone elses journey to parenthood, but it's hard to listen to someone say that they've been where we've been. Until you've had multiple failed IVF cycles, you really haven't been here.
During national infertility awareness week, I posted this link on my facebook. http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html I had hoped to educate friends and family that don't know how hurtful their comments can be. Maybe I need to repost it.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Shots shots shots
Guess who started stims at work today! For the record, 3 vials of menopur burns like a bi-otch!
Friday, July 5, 2013
Is Third Time really a Charm?
Alright folks. I know I am guilty of posting and running yesterday. I'm back now and want to talk about this horrible funk of a mood I'm in. I want to believe this is how the jitters are coming out for this cycle. It just feels different. All of our cycles have been important, but somehow this one feels like the ultimate cycle. I think that partially comes from the stress of knowing that our insurance limits how many times we try IVF for our first baby. Illinois mandates that we get 6 attempts at fresh cycles. However, it is also broken into 4 for the first baby. If you don't achieve that, then you don't get the other 2. I know I shouldn't complain about that, many people dont have any infertility coverage. I am incredibly grateful for the coverage we have. But it also puts a lot of stress on this cycle. If it doesn't work, assuming we have no frosties, what do we do? Change REs, try one last time with my eggs? Or do we move on to donor eggs so that we can use the insurance benefits to cover the medical expenses of the donor? Or do we scrap the whole idea, move toward adoption, either baby or embryo. See why this cycle is so important?
The low antral follicle count (AFC) on weds didn't help. I did look back at the other 2 previous cycles and am trying to convince myself that AFC didn't hold much water for us then. My lowest AFC cycle yielded the most eggs, got us to blasts and a 5dt. I've also had people on a facebook group say they got twice as many eggs as they saw at the baseline scan. And were successful in getting pregnant. I am praying that the lupron just really shut everything down. I also keep trying to remind myself that it's quality, not quantity. But lets face it, getting frosties would probably be the most amazing thing in the world to happen, aside from getting pregnant of course.
My therapist wants me to focus on mindfulness and staying in the moment. I think it's fairly obvious by now that I am a crazy planner. I want to have a plan for everything, and then backup plans too. Infertility doesn't always allow for that. I need to step back and be able to say to myself that I can't control everything, and it's okay that I can't. I'm not good at that.
I also am starting to think hosting my brother and sister in law's baby shower might not have been a good idea. I want to be happy and excited. I love that I'm getting a nephew. However, I'm starting to get the feeling that the whole thing was just expected of me. That no one was really worried about my feelings at all. They certainly don't ask about our process or how we are, but don't seem to mind talking at length about the pregnancy and baby. Is it possible that infertility makes them nervous and uncomfortable? Yes, it's very possible, but how do they think I feel listening to them talk about the baby? It's such an odd position. Before infertility, I never had thoughts like this. I was so excited about pregnancies and babies. Now, I'm just a nervous wreck.
Honestly, I don't know what I want from my family. Part of me wants them super involved and supportive. Another part of me wants to keep them in the dark. I guess I just wish I felt like my mom supported me half as much as she's being involved in their pregnancy. I was talking with her earlier, in an attempt to buy myself some time without talking to her while stimming (she doesn't know we're going through another cycle). She went on and on and on about the baby and what she bought for it and how she thinks my brother will be as a father. And all I can do is say oh, thats nice, mmhmm, okay. She doesn't get that she needs to be more cautious with me. That what seems like a simple conversation can actually be very hurtful. I'm sure it's not easy to be in her position. Somedays, it doesn't seem like she's trying very hard though. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but she didn't even stand up for me when my brother complained about my lack of questions about how my sister in law is feeling.
I started looking at adoption agencies online today. I blame it on wanting to have a backup plan. I just want to know what's out there. In the process, I did find that my company will help with adoption costs up to $4,000. So I know that's there. I didn't tell DH that I was doing that, so I think I'll keep that info to myself for now.
So, in order to get my brain in the right mindset, I want to focus on all the good things we've done leading into this cycle.
1. polypectomy- there's no way our embies would want to share their home with those polyps.
2. Fixed thyroid-my last TSH was 0.97. Dr Kwak wanted it less than 2 to cycle.
3. Fixed High PAI-1-Thank you metformin!
4. Eating WAY better, and stuck to low carb diet other than the couple cheat meals I had.
5. I've lost almost 40 lbs- the RE wanted me to lose 10% of my weight. That was almost 23 lbs. My BMI has dropped from 41 to 36.
6. Acupuncture
7. Seeing a therapist to help better manage stress.
Im sure there are more things that belong on this list, I just can't think of them right now. Still a pretty good list right? So with all of this wonderful change, why am I still so nervous? Great changes have to yield great results. I just need to remind myself that it'll be alright in the end. If it's not alright, then it's not the end.
The low antral follicle count (AFC) on weds didn't help. I did look back at the other 2 previous cycles and am trying to convince myself that AFC didn't hold much water for us then. My lowest AFC cycle yielded the most eggs, got us to blasts and a 5dt. I've also had people on a facebook group say they got twice as many eggs as they saw at the baseline scan. And were successful in getting pregnant. I am praying that the lupron just really shut everything down. I also keep trying to remind myself that it's quality, not quantity. But lets face it, getting frosties would probably be the most amazing thing in the world to happen, aside from getting pregnant of course.
My therapist wants me to focus on mindfulness and staying in the moment. I think it's fairly obvious by now that I am a crazy planner. I want to have a plan for everything, and then backup plans too. Infertility doesn't always allow for that. I need to step back and be able to say to myself that I can't control everything, and it's okay that I can't. I'm not good at that.
I also am starting to think hosting my brother and sister in law's baby shower might not have been a good idea. I want to be happy and excited. I love that I'm getting a nephew. However, I'm starting to get the feeling that the whole thing was just expected of me. That no one was really worried about my feelings at all. They certainly don't ask about our process or how we are, but don't seem to mind talking at length about the pregnancy and baby. Is it possible that infertility makes them nervous and uncomfortable? Yes, it's very possible, but how do they think I feel listening to them talk about the baby? It's such an odd position. Before infertility, I never had thoughts like this. I was so excited about pregnancies and babies. Now, I'm just a nervous wreck.
Honestly, I don't know what I want from my family. Part of me wants them super involved and supportive. Another part of me wants to keep them in the dark. I guess I just wish I felt like my mom supported me half as much as she's being involved in their pregnancy. I was talking with her earlier, in an attempt to buy myself some time without talking to her while stimming (she doesn't know we're going through another cycle). She went on and on and on about the baby and what she bought for it and how she thinks my brother will be as a father. And all I can do is say oh, thats nice, mmhmm, okay. She doesn't get that she needs to be more cautious with me. That what seems like a simple conversation can actually be very hurtful. I'm sure it's not easy to be in her position. Somedays, it doesn't seem like she's trying very hard though. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but she didn't even stand up for me when my brother complained about my lack of questions about how my sister in law is feeling.
I started looking at adoption agencies online today. I blame it on wanting to have a backup plan. I just want to know what's out there. In the process, I did find that my company will help with adoption costs up to $4,000. So I know that's there. I didn't tell DH that I was doing that, so I think I'll keep that info to myself for now.
So, in order to get my brain in the right mindset, I want to focus on all the good things we've done leading into this cycle.
1. polypectomy- there's no way our embies would want to share their home with those polyps.
2. Fixed thyroid-my last TSH was 0.97. Dr Kwak wanted it less than 2 to cycle.
3. Fixed High PAI-1-Thank you metformin!
4. Eating WAY better, and stuck to low carb diet other than the couple cheat meals I had.
5. I've lost almost 40 lbs- the RE wanted me to lose 10% of my weight. That was almost 23 lbs. My BMI has dropped from 41 to 36.
6. Acupuncture
7. Seeing a therapist to help better manage stress.
Im sure there are more things that belong on this list, I just can't think of them right now. Still a pretty good list right? So with all of this wonderful change, why am I still so nervous? Great changes have to yield great results. I just need to remind myself that it'll be alright in the end. If it's not alright, then it's not the end.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Happy 4th of July!
Hello everyone! Happy 4th of July! This will be a short post, as we are leaving shortly to go to a family BBQ but I wanted to give a quick update. I am now almost 2 full weeks into lupron. I went for my baseline check with the RE yesterday and looks like things are good to go to start stims on Saturday. I was slightly disappointed in my antral follicle count, which was 8. 2 on one side, 6 on the other. I looked back in my charting, and the first IVF my antral count was 10, and on the 2nd, it was 4. The cycle with 4 I managed to get 16 eggs I believe, so who knows how reliable the antral count is. I'd like to believe that Lupron just did a good job at suppression, so I bet I have a ton more, they're just really tiny. I'm tryin not to stress too bad, but it's hard to get excited this time around. I keep thinking, what do we do if this doesnt work this time. I shouldnt go into it all negative. Instead, I'm trying to think, what will happen if it DOES work. I've gotten negatives for so long, I honestly don't know what Id do if it was positive this time. YIKES!
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